


Betas Aside

by Evalangui



Series: The Fate of the Pack [7]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Age Difference, Bilingual Character(s), Bisexual Female Character, Coming of Age, F/F, Female Relationships, Gen, Lesbian Character, Multicultural, Multilingual Character, Original Character(s), POV Lesbian Character, Pack Dynamics, Queer Character, Queer Themes, chosen family, female werewolves, mpreg with adoption, neurodivergent character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-04-30 10:36:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 78,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14495088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evalangui/pseuds/Evalangui
Summary: If you only like f/f, this can be read independently from previous stories (those have serious warnings, this is a fairly standard if hopefully somewhat deconstructive romance between two werewolf women.)Marisa is young and ready to change her new pack into her perfect image. Irina is old enough to know that the best she can hope for is to find a place where she mostly fits… But no matter how different they are, they are newcomers to a pack recovering from an unimaginable tragedy and about to be struck by lightning for a second time. Can they band together to protect them? And can they go through it without seeing a lot more in each other than two women more than a decade apart in age should?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going through one of the worst times in RL and I just can't seem to do much writing, so I wanted to post this and see what you think. It's an f/f romance but it's very much grounded on the story of the pack--mostly gen, I kinda feel--and as I'm on a first draft mood, I could technically add more ;p

#  Prologue

The Gosden pack had plenty of problems, but they also had plenty of land.

Land they had never sold no matter how much human investors offered. Land they were willing to share. It was a luxury Irina’s own birth pack hadn’t been able to afford and that had ended with several families leaving for greener pastures. Or wetter ones, in her case.

She glanced out the window and felt her shoulders loosen like she’d inhaled something a lot stronger than oxygen. To think she almost hadn’t come.

Not across the river, that had been easy.

What was a river after an ocean?

She hadn’t been forced to leave; it wasn’t anything tragic like that. It had been cramped and the full moon had been getting more stressful, but she could have stayed and put up with it for a bit. For maybe the first time in decades, the pack had been large enough that her parents didn’t mind that she was a beta and wanted to remain one—loved kids but wanted none of her own.

But once Sorina’s parents had announced they were going to England… it had been like a cord had been struck. She’d always talked of travelling. She’d closed her eyes at night and imagined just transforming and taking off in a random direction, seeing where she ended up. And coming back. She’d wanted to go back home, always, but she’s wanted to get somewhere else first.

It’d felt inevitable. What would have home been without half her family? Without her best friend? Sorina was technically an adult but she wasn’t going to let her parents and little brothers go abroad without her—she was the eldest and she took it seriously.

Sorina wouldn’t stay, and there wasn’t space to run, and so Irina had gone with them.

They had flown, of course, since having hands and pockets was handy to carry things like passports and money, but despite the plane and the absolutely revolting feeling of being off the ground and disconnected from not just her land but all land, it hadn’t felt like her path back was cut off.

She could go back any time she wanted.

She’d told her parents the same thing every time they had asked when she was coming back. She'd repeated it when they'd started asking her to visit instead. She’d looked at tickets, plane and boats and long-distance buses that took the ferry across. She’d looked at maps and planned the journey in four feet and two.

And she hadn’t gone. Not even once. Maybe it was just impossible to imagine going back home and not staying. And anyway, her parents had agreed to visit to meet Sorina’s children, and her brothers came every summer to work and send extra money back.

She missed that land—her wolf howled for things it didn’t even remember and only a small handful of the packmates howling back understood what those things were—but she loved this land, too. It was fresh and new and strangely untouched, protected by human laws from human themselves. It wasn’t hers, but it welcome her anyway—an endless expanse for running after prey that wasn’t half-starved and half-domesticated, water that rushed free and wild and dangerous, a moon that shone pure without the smoke of civilization.

Their adopted pack accepted them gladly, happy for the new blood and the extra bodies to protect what was theirs from human greed.

But they didn’t truly belong, Irina could feel it. They all could. And then Sorina had presented as omega six months after their arrival and things had changed—because when she chose an alpha, she’d become pack. By blood. Not her own, but her children’s. It was more than good enough.

Even though it had been her aunt's idea to come to England, she'd taken Sorina's engagement—and the promise of permanence it implied—quite hard. Irina got it; it was different to know for certain.

It hadn't taken long for Sorina to get pregnant—it never seemed to with omegas—and that had distracted her mother from her nostalgia. The future was bright, safe and green and full of life—wild and domestic both.

Sorina had been distracted enough with a mate and soon enough she had a baby as well. If Irina had been planning to leave at all, that would have been the moment to do it.

Except that as a beta, Irina was expected to help with childcare and she loved Andrei to bits. She missed being Sorina's main companion, but Codrin and little Iesu were around to play football. One of the few things her rudimentary English didn't make awkward with the local pack.

If her wolf relished the great expanses to run in, so did her human side—finally free of the rather more antiquated expectations her original pack had had of a woman and her level of interest in sport past a certain age.

She couldn't say it had been easy not to leave, but it had been easy to stay too. So stay she had, until she'd made herself sit down with an English textbook and then attend the lessons at the local college for six torturous months where she was reminded of every single reason she had ever hated school and discovered a few more the English had invented.

But at the end of it, she'd been okay. Okay enough she got the job when she applied to the local bike/sport store, which was as okay as she was interested in getting. And after a day where the new sounds left her head buzzing and she learned she'd studied American English vocabulary and nobody actually knew what a ‘monkey wrench’ was, she'd got to go home, to the simple music of her language and her people, to the familiar scent of Andrei’s baby skin and her aunt's cooking.

She was okay with staying, and then she'd met Alisha and she'd been a little more than okay.


	2. Chapter 2

#  Chapter 1: Marisa

Ray was still a wolf, but it wasn't like there was anything she could do about it. She certainly didn't resent him taking the time off, but it wasn't like life had ground to a halt after his kidnapping—everybody ate and after his first protective few days, even Josh had gone back to work. So there was laundry.

Laundry someone had fucked up.

Marisa didn't care how new they were at being alphas; they were all older than her and had been wearing clothes for most of their lives; how was it possible they did not know not to mix whites with colours?

She growled, hand clenching on the lovely baby clothes she'd personally chosen. White, because they weren't going to start putting the babies in gendered colours when they didn't even know what gender was. It was bad enough that the majority of omegas were still female and the majority of alphas were male. That couldn't be helped, whether fashion was optional.

Except now _all_ the onesies were pink and Marisa was very close to homicide. It was lucky that the washing had erased the scents of whoever had put the load on or she might have been screaming at them already.

"You okay?" She jumped—she'd been too lost in her own thoughts to notice Irina come in. "Sorry, you smell like you are about to set something on fire."

Marisa shrugged, then waved at the clothes she'd put down on the table; mostly to stare at them in despair.

"Ah," said Irina sagely. "It can be fixed, you know."

"I _do_ ," she replied, maybe a little too testily. "I'm not useless, but I have better things to do than run after them and fix stupid mistakes like this. How do they not know how to do laundry?"

The other beta shrugged. "They are alphas and they are men," she pointed out calmly and walked right in and started throwing the whites right back into the machine.

"I—I can't even." Marisa passed her one she'd missed.

"Then don't," Irina said with the same easy acceptance. "Don't let them do laundry. It's not like anybody argues with you about anything."

Marisa swallowed, feeling her face heat. It was true. She'd been a little unsure at first but her brother had pretty much begged her to take over house-management for him while he dealt with his alphas and pups. Well, mostly with the alphas. Not that Marisa minded the babysitting but she was a little worried about how overwhelmed Ray was being a parent—she supposed it was lucky she'd come over, and Irina.

Even if they had to share a room in the main house because the beta wing barely had walls up.

"I guess it's better to do it once myself than to have to fix it every time they mess it up," she agreed. She went to the shelf and got the white vinegar bottle, already pulling a face.

Irina stepped well away from her as she went to pour it into the washing machine. "I think they can all cook, and they can definitely wash up and that needs doing every day too."

She pushed the door shut, added some detergent and started a quick cycle. "And this doesn't?" she asked sceptically. "Did you forget about the cloth diapers?"

Irina pulled a face. "Only in my nightmares," she said honestly.

Marisa smirked at her. "Well, we need to make some sacrifices for the land."

"I think that used to be blood," the other beta commented wistfully. "That must have been better."

"Useless, but sure."

“You can check the schedule to see who was here this morning,” Irina suggested with a wicked glint in her eye. “And make them wash diapers for a month.”

“Wow, you are heartless,” she said approvingly. “You are right. Maybe I’ll let them do _some_ laundry. I mean, otherwise, how will they learn?”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's short, but worry not, I'm writing the last chapter and it's already 73k. If you have time, do you feel there's enough pack appearances? Who do you want to see around more and why? :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is almost 3k... Because Irina kinda ate this novel <.<  
>  **Words so far:**  
>  Marisa: 32,951  
> Irina: 39,466

#  Chapter 2: Irina

Irina still went back to Sorina's house every week—maybe a part of her was afraid that if she missed it even once, she'd stop altogether. She had never been back to Romania, after all.

That day, it was busier than usual in the pack hall where people met for afternoon tea everyday—beverages were provided and bringing snacks to share was expected. Irina thought it was too crazy, but Sorina insisted on attending.

She could admit it was a good idea, really. After thirteen years, her aunt and uncle were still trying to integrate into the pack, awkwardly trying to talk to people who were not Sorina's mate's parents or siblings.

Irina didn't mind people, as long as those people weren't looking down their noses at her, that was it. Alphas didn't normally qualify, and neither did some local omegas and betas who thought Irina's family should be grateful to be allowed into their pack—as if they owned the land, instead of being part of it like everything else that lived in it.

Codrin and Sorina were talking about some repairs they needed to get done—something that Irina might have helped with if she'd still been a beta in the huge house shared now by three generations. But of course, it wasn't her job anymore, she thought, eyes travelling around the room as she tuned them out.

The falling afternoon light shining on light brown waves caught her eye—the highlights couldn't be natural, which was all the stranger since werewolves couldn't stand the scent of any chemicals strong enough to dye hair. The hair didn't look damaged at all, either—on the contrary, it looked so soft that made her fingers itch to touch.

Then the woman's interlocutor turned a little and Irina caught her profile for a second and almost swallowed her own tongue.

"Irina?" her cousin asked, obviously having caught her surprise.

"It's—" She waved Sorina's concern aside. "Nothing."

Nothing except she'd been checking out a goddamned teenager. And not just a random one, either—girls wore such high heels and so much make-up that it was easy to think they were older if she was just watching from afar—but one that was his packmate. Her _roommate_. After she’d spent the last three weeks in her new pack carefully averting her eyes, too. She forced herself to keep her eyes on Sorina and struggled to pay attention to her story about how Gheorghe was failing maths and she just couldn't seem to explain it to him in a way that made sense.

"Maybe I could try," she offered.

Sorina stopped speaking and Irina met her eyes and shrugged. "What? I was bad at it, so maybe it'll be easier to dumb it down in a way that makes sense to Gheorghe too."

"Sorry! I didn't mean—” Sorina cut herself off and shook her head. “I _mean_ thank you, that would be great and you are the best.”

Irina rolled her eyes at her. "Okay, so do you want me to come over sometime this week?"

"What? No way! I'm bringing him over, or maybe Will can."

Irina frowned a little, trying to think of where in the overcrowded house they could sit down without getting interrupted. “It’s just... _the beta wing_ is not done, so...”

“The beta wing?” Sorina repeated, also in English.

“Oh, that was Iesu,” Irina explained with a fond smile. “It’s just the second section of the house for us to have some privacy. There's going to be more toilets and a kitchenette for snacks. Plus bedrooms for us and the children; I'm sharing Iesu's—” She stopped, realising her mistake but unsure of how to fix it.

Sorina raised her eyebrows, mischief in her eyes. “Is Iesu sleeping in Ray's room?”

The idea gave Irina pause, but even though she’s only been with the pack a few weeks, she knew for certain that none of the alphas would put their own safety or comfort above Ray's. Not after what Ray had sacrificed for the pack already. “No, he's sharing with Sergi,” she said. It came out evenly enough and she kept going, “So that freed up his room for me and Marisa.” It was true, but by now she was pretty sure Iesu hadn’t moved rooms for the sake of making space for them. She was nervous enough about the omission that she waved vaguely toward the other beta without thinking and then carefully kept her eyes on Sorina's face so she wouldn't actually turn to look.

“Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I don't think Iesu would enjoy having a room of his own, actually,” Sorina said thoughtfully, then dipped her biscuit in her milky tea.

Irina took a sip of her own to cover up her grimace—she couldn't understand why anyone would destroy tea in that manner, but Sorina had picked up the habit—probably from her husband.

“Is she nice?”

“Who?”

Sorina's smile was suspiciously smug. “Your roommate.”

“Ah, Marisa? Sure, she's... a little bossy. She's Ray's younger sister but I think they have a lot of younger siblings—”

“Three. And she's got a twin.”

“How do you even know that?”

Sorina shrugged. “Ray’s my brother-in-law; it wasn't that hard to find out about his family. I took mum and dad to meet his mother the other day.”

Part of the project to socialize the older werewolves, Irina guessed. “How did it go?” she asked, ready to sympathize with another awkward dinner with too much gesturing and not enough wine for her uncle’s taste.

But Sorina’s face lit up. “Oh, great actually, Martha is absolutely lovely! She invited mum over next Friday to teach her how to make some kind of pie. The kids are about the right age to play with Andrei and Gheorghe, too. I told her she could send them over to ours while she and mum get on with it. Codrin promised to help in exchange for pizza,” she said jokingly.

Irina swallowed, guilt twisting in her gut. It'd been her job to look after Sorina's kids when she couldn't do it herself—that was why she was a beta, to help her own family.

Of course, now she was looking after Iesu's kids. Andrei and Gheorghe were already eight and ten, while Clara and her siblings weren't yet six months... “I can still come over to babysit sometimes if you want. I mean, I miss seeing them every day—”

“What?” Sorina asked. “Oh, God, Irina, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty!” She swatted Irina on the arm a little too hard. “I just meant you are my favourite babysitter. Anyway, they can pretty much take care of themselves, they aren't babies anymore.”

Irina laughed. “Stop reading my mind, creep!” she demanded. “Anyway, we should meet somewhere in town… You can take Andrei to the cinema or something while Gheorghe and I study in the library.”

“The cinema?” her cousin echoed. “Do you think I want to hear Gheorghe whining for a week? No way, you can pick him up in the morning and if he’s good, I’ll take them both to the cinema in the afternoon. And yes, I’m paying for gas and for breakfast. And the movie, if you want to join us.”

“Okay,” she agreed easily. Just then, she saw Marisa at the door, she was holding a boy who was about Gheorghe’s size and therefore way too big to be carried around, especially by a woman as slight as her packmate. Her shoulders were relaxed and she was smiling, eyes shining and crinkling at the corners.

She probably missed her family, too.

“That’s…” She swallowed and forged ahead. “That’s Marisa, actually,” she said, tilting her head that way for Sorina to look. “She doesn’t have a car and I don’t think she’s staying over. Maybe I’ll offer her a ride.”

“Why maybe?” Sorina asked curiously. “I thought you got on.”

“Sorta, I mean, we don’t talk that much; other than about laundry and stuff.”

“You should,” Sorina said, and squeezed Irina’s arm. “I don’t want you to be lonely without me,” she teased.

Irina snorted. “Sure, I’m pining away.” She leaned in for a hug, but let go a little too quickly. But it wasn’t like Sorina didn’t know she loved her; she’d followed her halfway across Europe already.

 

&

 

“Hey,” she said and Marisa turned her way at once, child still in her arms.

“Oh, hi, Irina.” She smiled a little as she said it, but then again, Marisa smiled a lot. “I didn’t realise you were here, too.” She bounced the boy in her arms a little. “This is Glen. My littlest brother,” she added after a moment, then poked the boy until he extended a hand to her.

Irina met his eyes as she shook it. “Nice to meet you, Glen.” Up close, he looked younger than Gheorghe, but maybe he was just shy around strangers—werewolf kids tended to be because they weren’t allowed to attend pre-school for fear they’d give away their secret.

Marisa gave her an approving nod—the same gesture she used to direct the pups back home, Irina noted with amusement—and turned to the older woman on her other side.

And there was Marisa’s smile on someone else’s face, warmth and self-assured. Except there was something… sterner about Marisa. Something that reminded Irina that her fellow beta had forbidden the alphas in her pack from doing laundry and taken over assigning them chores despite all of them being older than her and having nominally more authority.

Maybe it was just in her mind. Marisa’s was Ray’s little sister, after all, so of course he’d tell his alphas to listen to her. It wasn’t odd for a First Omega to manage his pack, even if he delegated a lot of the managing to one of his betas.

Sorina was right, as far as Irina could tell, Martha was genuinely interested in her daughter’s roommate—especially when she found out she’d come to the country without her own parents. Maybe it was an omega thing, or a mother thing—that inability to resist a loner, even if the loner was as far from needing protecting as a fully grown woman.

“You must come for lunch at our place, next time,” Martha said when they finally managed to indicate they had to get going.

“We’ll see,” Marisa cut in, smiling indulgently at her mother. “Irina might want to spend time with her own family or something.”

“Then we will all have dinner,” her mother said easily. Or not so easily, behind the earnest pleasantness there was a sharper edge too.

Marisa sighed and leaned in to pass her brother over, giving both of them a tight hug in the process. “I gotta go,” she repeated. “Tell TJ to call me back or he’ll be sorry.”

Irina stared at her, brain scrambling to reconcile the threat with the girl who insisted on everyone saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to instil the habit into babies who still couldn’t form more than syllables in any language.

She would never understand the English, no matter how many of their words she learned. Most of the time she was okay with that—even though it had been her biggest concern with becoming a beta for Iesu’s new pack. He had promised they would teach the babies Romanian so that they’d only be at a noticeable disadvantage for a few years, which would help, but Irina already knew the babies would grow up thinking of the world the way most people around them did. Speaking another language helped some, and it was definitely good for them, but she didn’t expect they would ever understand what she’d lost.

Marisa turned her way, smiling softly. Under sunlight streaming in through the glass doors of the big events hall, her lips shone like petals—it had to be a trick of the light; Irina knew for a fact she wasn’t wearing make-up. “Do you have your car, by any chance?”

“Ah, yeah, sure,” she replied, agreeing before she realised Marisa hadn’t asked to be driven back. “I can give you a ride,” she added quickly, trying to cover up. It shouldn’t have been so discomfiting to offer, it had been her plan all along, after all.

“Awesome,” Marisa said, sounding as pleased as if she couldn’t have jogged back in under twenty minutes.

Irina liked machines, but she hadn’t had the cash to spare when she’d first got a car—being able to run anywhere was all well and good but it did nothing to stop one getting soaked in the intermittent showers northern England liked to gift them with—so she’d gone for size and got a decently maintained Clio. And colour, she could admit she’d been swayed by the red. Just because she couldn’t be bothered with make-up or fancy clothes, it didn’t mean she didn’t know pretty when she saw it.

“How does your car always smell so nice?” Marisa demanded as she flopped down on the passenger seat. She'd been in Irina's car exactly once before, when Irina had given her a ride back to their new pack with some stuff Marisa had forgotten back at her mum’s place. “I can’t stand deodorants normally, but this…”

“Check the backseat,” Irina suggested as she put the key to the ignition.

“Oh, you have actual flowers? But it always smells like this!”

“My aunt has a garden so she always gives me some. You should see her house, there’s flower pots all over the place.”

“I never saw them at the house, you could put them in water,” Marisa suggested, inhaling deeply.

“Where?” Irina countered. “If Maria’s hair is irresistible, I can’t imagine a flower vase will last long.”

“You could put them in our room.”

Irina risked a quick glance at her face. “You don’t mind?”

“Mind?” Marisa asked, sounding confused. “What kind of girl minds flowers?”

“Well, I don’t know, some people don’t like cutting them out. And you are pretty…” She frowned, trying to think of the right word. “Eco-friendly?”

Maybe it wasn’t the right one, because Marisa started laughing. “She’s not damaging the plant, is she? Just taking the flowers? I want to take care of nature, of course, and I would never buy flowers in a shop, but we can borrow a few here and there.”

Irina didn't look at her, but she approved of the balanced approach to taking care of nature. Animals ate flowers without killing the plant, too, it spread the seeds, for one, and it made Irina's life easier—that her new room smelled like home, somehow. “I could ask her to give me a potted plant.”  

“Oh!” She glanced to the side when Marisa clapped her hands together. The other beta was already watching her. “We should plant our own garden, only we should do mostly vegetables.”

She took a careful turn on the dirt road leading to their new home. “Would it be worth it?”

“Worth it? You clearly have never eaten home-grown veggies.”

Irina rolled her eyes at her. “Maybe I just prefer meat.” Marisa cleared her throat rather loudly in response and when Irina looked her way, she was biting her lip. “What?”

The girl was pale enough her flush was obvious and her eyes were shining with amusement. “Sorry, have been spending too much time with the boys.”

“Wh— Vai—” Irina choked on the words, unable to keep her own laughter back. That set Marisa off, too, but Irina needed to watch the road—even if this far out, the most likely interlopers were rabbits.

She was still smiling as she stopped the car in the flattened grass area near the house. So was Marisa, she saw as he turned to her. “Just so you know, I’m more of a fish person,” she said, not quite thinking about it. It was just... the mood, or something.

Marisa’s eyes widened in shock, lips parting as well, and Irina couldn’t do anything but laugh again, even as her heart sped up. She covered up by jumping out of the car. She opened the back door and picked up the flowers before passing them over.

“Here, good luck finding a vase,” she told her She felt Marisa catch them, but she kept her eyes averted from her red cheeks.

She heard Marisa inhale, but if she’d thought of something to say, she didn’t do it before Irina jogged up the steps like she had something pressing to do other than get out of her roommate’s presence after coming out to her for no good reason whatsoever.  


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm revising the whole manuscript (-epilogue) and I'm SO PSYCHED. Like, this might start a little slow but I hope you all like where it's going :) Let me know! I always need reminding to post new chapters, for one :p

# Chapter 3: Marisa

Marisa didn’t regret going to Ray’s pack—even if she didn’t have a bedroom of her own yet, even if the alphas messed up the laundry and her brother clearly couldn’t hide what a hot mess he was for longer than the length of a visit home.

But she missed home, too. It was only natural that she would—her family had been her whole life. She’d gone to school, of course, and she’d talked to other kids in the pack—mostly because they all loved TJ and felt they had to include her in their invitations. Marisa had gone sometimes, because TJ loved it and she loved TJ—different as they were. Werewolves were obsessed with the bond between an alpha and an omega, and they sometimes remembered that of a parent and child, but there were no words for the connection Marisa felt, true and unquestionable, with the boy who’d come into the world with her.

They didn’t need any.

She wondered if Ray’s five babies would feel that way about each other when they grew up. Was it just that proximity or the fact that they were twins? They weren’t identical, naturally, but… They looked a lot like each other, enough that they’d got confused for the other when they’d been very young and wearing equally short hair—Harry had been a fussy baby and their mum had opted for making her life easier and giving them all the same haircut. Marisa still had the butterfly pin her dad given her at the time to let other people know who was who—she thought her parents might have got confused too if they hadn’t known their scents and heartbeats so well.

Marisa didn’t mind being a girl, or the fact that she’d ended up looking after Harry, Anne and Glen a lot more than TJ ever had. She loved them, she loved _doing it_. And Ray had done more than his fair share, too, as the eldest. In her family, it had never been about Marisa being a girl and TJ being a boy, but about Marisa being the responsible, trustworthy one her parents could rely on.

It was true.

TJ could have done more and both Ray and Marisa had got angry at him for not doing it on occasion. That normally resulted in TJ toeing the line for a bit, coming home earlier and doing more chores on weekends before going off with his friends to try out the newest motorcycle TJ’s spoiled best friend, Ian, had got from his parents, or just jump in the river in winter to prove they were men—when all they could prove was that they were insecure enough to jump into freezing water to hide it. If Marisa insisted or Ray got mad, TJ would even do a pretty decent job of whatever he had to do. And he was _always_ careful with the kids, when it mattered, at least—he could never quite remember not to give them sugar at dinnertime or let them stay until the end of the movie on a school day—but for all his crazy antics, they’d never come to any harm in his presence, not even when he’d taken Anne trampolining in the river.

And TJ was there for _her_ when Marisa needed him. It wasn’t often, but when Ray had presented omega and suddenly disappeared from their lives… Well, Marisa had spent more time with Ray than with anyone else since their mum spent a lot of her day at work to keep food on their table and the electricity running—they owned the house, at least—and from one day to the next, he’d been gone.

He hadn’t even called to let them know he was okay—they’d had to find out through his new alphas: Josh, and Gabriel, and then Sergi, who had been a stranger a few weeks back and now got to spend time with Ray every day while his mother and sister didn’t even get a text message.

But TJ was there, reminding her that Ray was going through the toughest time of his life, pointing out that it was part of growing up but Ray hadn’t got to choose to go to uni or date someone and get a house close by. He’d been pushed right out of their family into the arm of five mates.

More than her twin’s words, it’d been how hard it clearly was for him to speak of it that had swayed her. “He’s probably already…” TJ had started and failed to say.

 _Pregnant_ , he’d meant. Marisa wasn’t proud of the sick, twisted stab of anger the idea had sent through her. Not because Ray had been made to do something he couldn’t be ready for. No, because she’d wanted… “Glen’s going to be an uncle,” she said with her best smirk, trying to distract TJ and herself both. “That’s going to be fun to see.”

“You are such a sadist,” TJ told her, looking almost impressed. “I don’t know why everyone thinks you are such a nice girl.”

She hadn’t been able to find an answer to that. Because she wasn’t, not really. Not when she had time to regret her loss—quite small, really, just a path her life couldn’t take—when someone she loved was in so much pain he couldn’t even find the strength to communicate it to them.

But TJ got her too well to insist when she got quiet, and he’d even volunteered himself to chop vegetables for dinner to keep her company.

She couldn’t ask for more.

 

&

 

She'd had to offer Ray help when he’d asked.

In fact, she’d offered to babysit any afternoon or night after their mum was back from work—it just had never crossed her mind to apply to leave her birth pack; her uncle had kept the customary betas that accompanied an omega to form a new pack to himself.

There was no way to see him in that state and not offer. He’d had a hard time with his pregnancy—with five babies for his first time, anybody would have. But her mum and Marisa had hoped...  Well, they’d hoped for more than was possible, it’d been obvious when Ray had finally allowed them to meet his children. His alphas were clearly in charge of remembering feeding times and diapers. Ray wasn’t intentionally neglecting the babies, but he just couldn’t keep track of who was crying and why. He wasn’t quite twenty and as a werewolf, he wouldn’t age out of his youthful looks for at least two decades but unlined skin or not, there was something haunted around his eyes that twisted Marisa’s gut with equal parts rage and helplessness.  
Because it couldn’t be helped. Ray was an omega and his wolf would demand his submission and the moon would bring on his heat, and—

She’d picked up Jamie with the ease of long practice, already noticeably larger than the others. He nuzzled her throat, apparently unaware he was in human form.  “I could stay the night,” she had suggested.

For the first time, Ray’d looked something other than tired. She’d been about to ask what was wrong when her mum had shook her head at her from across the room.

She’d let it go—not even asking her mother to explain her brother’s reluctance.

She understood now, of course. Iesu had given her his own room and moved in with Sergi, which she’d found strange only until she’d gone to bed that night and realised she could hear a lot more than she’d have liked through the connecting wall. She’d slept with headphones on and woke up to, of all things, Taylor Swift.

At least Ray’s room was at the end of the hall, with Josh’s and Alec’s separating it from her own, but try as she might, it was pretty impossible to miss the moment he and his alphas rekindled their relationship.

It wasn’t a problem, she liked music.

She’d also liked having a room of her own a lot less than she’d guessed when she’d had to share with Anne and her preference for a horizontal wardrobe. It wasn’t bad, of course, but she hadn’t exactly minded when Iesu’s cousin had arrived to take the top bunk—she might have offered the bottom one but a girl with legs that long would surely have an easier time sorting the little ladder, and, for all she was used to sharing—she wasn’t used to sharing with a stranger.

Iesu had made introductions a little better.

“So you guys have technically been living together for the last thirteen years,” he told them bluntly. “But knowing our ex-pack, you probably wouldn’t have been able to pick each other up in a line-up yesterday.”

His cousin had rolled her dark, pretty eyes at him. “Seriously? You got me here and I get the same old lecture?”

“What? You are here because you agree with the lecture!” Iesu claimed, still smiling. It sounded like it was indeed a familiar back and forth.

Irina shrugged. “I came for the football,” she said laconically, which set Iesu off laughing.

“Sure,” he agreed, turning his bright smile on Marisa. “You a fan?”

“Not so much into team sports,” she admitted, feeling like she was spoiling their good mood. But she didn’t lie, not even to humans.

Iesu put his hand to his chest with a dramatic groan. Her new roommate didn’t object, just watched her intently enough to make Marisa want to squirm.

She didn’t, and Iesu broke the tension. “And here we have your luxurious two floor suite.” He pointed at the bunk bed. “The red colour chosen for its warmth to counteract the frankly depressing greyness of the local weather.” He shot Marisa an apologetic smile. “No offense meant, I’m sure it’s quite pleasant if you did not evolve to need vitamin D.”

She snorted. He didn’t seem that taken with England, but he’d got on Marisa’s good side when he’d got her uncle to agree five betas—including her—to help Ray’s pack, and had sealed the deal by being a total clown who reminded her of her twin.

“Anyway, there’s a two bathrooms and hey!” He shrugged dramatically. “Boys hate showers! Except Ray and Alec,” he admitted. “And you will get your own soon, of course!”

This time, the incredulous noise came from Irina. “You think I never saw a construction site before?”

“Precisely,” Iesu replied with a grin. “Now that you are here, it’ll go much faster.”

Irina pursed her lips but her eyes gave away her smile. When she met Marisa’s eyes, she raised her eyebrows in a silent request for sympathy. Marisa gave her a smile—maybe she wouldn’t mind a roommate so much.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter in celebration of finishing the first draft! 23 chapters + epilogue!

# Chapter 4: Irina

The thing with Sorina hadn't been... She'd felt things. And maybe it was a bit weird because they were cousins and everything, but well, it had just been a crush. It had never been a possibility or a problem. And if she'd been a bit conflicted about the quiet English alpha boy her best friend had chosen as her mate, well, she had a right to be protective without it being jealousy, didn’t she? And she had a right to be jealous of Sorina’s time, too, even as she’d grown to love her nephews and tolerate William.

Sorina probably suspected—she was too clever not to once Irina had told her she preferred women. But they were pack and best friends and that was more important than any silly hormonal impulses.

Even so, because her best friend busy being in love and Irina was stuck in a strange country... It was just an excuse, really, but she could almost forgive herself for falling for Alisha.

It hadn't seemed so stupid at the time, Sorina had been busy with her groom and Irina had been bored working construction because her English wasn't good enough for much else and at least at the site nobody expected her to smile and scrape like a good beta lady... So when a pretty girl in one of the neighbouring houses had asked her in for tea, she’d gone inside. Alisha had been kind and patient and spoken slowly enough for Irina to follow without being condescending about it.

She’d stayed long enough she’d been late to dinner, and then the next day she’d slowed down as she passed the house again—Alisha hadn’t come out that day, but she’d been waiting with the door open the next, looking smug. “You work at the site, don’t you?” Irina had nodded, reluctant to open her mouth and say something wrong. “Want tea? You must be tired.”

“Yes, thank you,” she’d managed. “Um, please.”

That was one of the five things she’d learned in the three day course her bosses had insisted she needed to take to be allowed safely at the site. When in doubt: thank them, beg them, or apologize—sometimes all three could be applied to the same conversation.

Alisha had given her tea and biscuits and seemed happy to be listened to with the occasional short question. She could probably guess that Irina didn’t really understand everything but she trusted her to say so if she’d missed something essential.

Maybe a little too much; it’d taken Irina a week of teas to work up the nerve to ask why people kept saying ‘cheers’ instead of ‘thank you’.

Alisha had stared at her for a long moment. “Huh, I don’t know.”

“Oh, I—”

“No!” Alisha jumped in, already familiar with Irina’s apologies. “Wait, lemme think… Cheers means to celebrate, like, go be happy or something. So… maybe if someone does something nice for you, you wish them to be happy?”

Irina thought about it, mentally translating to check if it made sense. She was starting to be okay with shorter conversations but this… This was probably the most complex thing she’d ever discussed in English so far, including the work she’d done in school back in Romania. She grinned at Alisha. “Yeah, it’s logic.”

“Logical,” the girl corrected, smiling back.

 

&

 

Irina hadn't even realised she was an omega until they'd gone out cycling one day and crossed paths with a gaggle of young alphas.

Alisha had been polite, waved at them when they called out something that could have been complimentary or crude—Irina couldn't decipher the words over the sound of the wind and if it was slang, she likely wouldn't have known them anyway.

Alisha was a year younger than Irina, nineteen, but as an omega, she was getting a little old to be unmated—most omegas found a mate within six months of presenting, too. But she hadn't seemed to remember the alphas existed by the time they got back to her house.

It was always her house, where her parents—a pair of betas—were never around because they both worked long hours.

"I'm not interested," she'd told Irina with that secret smile seemed to imply you were being absurd but she was really quite amused by it.

"Oh, you... in Romania, omegas..." She'd trailed off, trying to remember the word she needed.

Alisha had shrugged it off. "Who cares?"

It wasn't a matter of who cared, of course, an omega in heat wouldn't come out of it until they either had sex with an alpha or the moon waned. Sorina hadn’t talked about it much but Irina knew her too well not to read the unhappiness irradiating off her every time she’d been forced to lock herself in her room during the full moon—running while unmated was out of the question, of course.

She didn’t see how her new friend could not _care_. And then, on the eve of the next full moon, Alisha had actually called her up to ask her to run together and Irina couldn’t hold back the question anymore. “Run? Outside?”

Alisha had laughed, carefree and wild, like the moon was already making her blood rush through her veins with the glorious power that controlled the ocean itself. “Yes, outside.”

“I don’t… I don’t understand.”

A sigh. “I don’t always go into heat.”

“Oh,” Irina exhaled. Now that the explanation had been presented to her, she remembered hearing of it before. “I—”

“It’s rare, I know,” Alisha interrupted. “It’s fine, I know you were only worried about me.”

“Is good?” she offered, rather tentative.

“ _It_ is good,” Alisha agreed.

Irina huffed, frustrated. Not with Alisha, who was doing was Irina had asked and correcting her, but with herself for making such a simple mistake.

“College,” her friend said in a sing-song.

Irina was thinking about it and not just because it’d mean seeing more of Alisha, but… she’d never been good in school growing up and had relished nothing more than graduating and being done with it for good. To make matters worse, once she’d moved to England, everybody had seemed quite happy to take her word for it that she’d graduated secondary school—it’d made the whole process seem all the more pointless.

“Running,” she countered.

“Mmm… yes,” her friend agreed in a tone that was sending Irina’s thoughts towards a very different type of exercise that often took place during the full moon.

It turned out she wasn’t the only one having less than pure thoughts.

Alisha was a lovely wolf, a lot darker than her hair colour would have suggested, but with all the grace of her body under the resplendent fur. She’d found Irina among her family and shoved her playfully to get her attention, easily evading Irina’s attempt at a retaliatory bite. She’d run off and Irina hadn’t even realised she’d lost track of her family until they were tangled together on the ground, friendly nipping and slightly too enthusiastic shoving. It wasn’t a problem, naturally, they were all pack, after all.

It became even less of a problem when, after killing and devouring a couple of rabbits, they found themselves lost among the trees. Alisha was in the lead again—even though Irina had the advantage of her longer legs—Irina followed her swinging tail until they came to a clearing.

She had been about to jump her again when the other wolf’s stillness alerted her to stop. One moment, the fur was disappearing, and the next the naked woman was getting to her feet in all her glory. Not that Irina’s wolf cared much about the complexities of the human body, but she’d only been shifted for a couple hours and even in the reduced colours of her canine eyes, she could appreciate the sight.

“Do I need to ask you?”

She blamed the wolf for not getting it sooner. But the hesitation was probably all her. It wasn’t… She’d been telling herself not to imagine she could have this, and now… She closed her eyes to shift and got up with trembling limbs, meeting Alisha’s eyes without quite being able to keep her gaze from travelling up her body.

“Oh, you are gorgeous,” her friend whispered, then took a step closer. Irina’s heart jumped like she’d been shot and the other woman paused. “Irina? It’s okay.”

Irina didn’t answer. Okay? It’d never been okay, even if she was a beta and probably couldn’t have children, it still had never been okay. She gulped and concentrated on her breathing, which sounded too loud to her ears and… Alisha was frowning, her pretty pouty lips pressing together. Irina looked away, moored to the spot but wishing she could just go.

“Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry.” She could feel her warmth already, so close… And then Alisha placed a hand on her upper arm that sent a shudder strong enough to make her bones rattle. “Shhh…” The other hand came up, rubbing gently at her other arm. She sounded so sad, and that was even worse than the fear and the embarrassment making her face burn. To have Alisha think of her like that, feel _sorry,_ to… “Let’s change back, we can swim in the river, yeah?”

She should have been relieved. Instead, she was _furious_. Not with her friend, who was only being kind, but with her own fucking brain. No, not her brain, with the people who’d _made_ her like this, made her believe there was something wrong here, in this lovely woman offering her… her body, at least, affection, of a kind.

Something she _wanted_.

Something she could have.

She thought about turning her face to Alisha’s and pressing their lips together. But it seemed impossible—it was clear Alisha expected her to retreat and to just… She raised her left hand instead, slowly, until her knuckles brushed skin and her companion’s breathing stuttered in turn. And then all she needed to do was extend her fingers, the skin under her fingertips was hot as her hand found its place on the curve of Alisha’s hip.

She couldn’t quite say when her right hand joined her left—maybe it was the pull of the moon, maybe it was Alisha’s eyes, a little too wide right before she slid her hands up Irina’s shoulders and onto her neck. Irina leaned in halfway through and by the time Alisha’s fingers tangled in her hair, their mouths were already pressed together, indescribably soft and tender for a heartbeat, and then hungry and slick and wet. Their tongues joined the game not a moment too soon and, in the midst of the powerful surge of lust, she stepped right into Alisha’s body, pressing her breasts against her friend’s sharp collarbones.

She didn’t remember who’d knelt first, but it was she who pushed Alisha flat onto the prickly grass covering the ground. Alisha parted her legs and Irina found their bodies fit together easily, her friend’s legs curling around her own as their kissing went from frantic to actual biting. It seemed like the only way, with their pelvises thrusting forward against each other, slickness just enough to make the slide against the soft skin of Alisha’s thigh maddeningly close to enough.

With her own knee firmly planted on the ground and the aid of gravity on her side, it was Alisha who cried out first, arching like a string about to snap under her body—her true strength coming through in her desperation as she screamed something that was close enough to howl to get an answer in the distance.

It sparked something in Irina, too, a tug deep down in her gut that made her clench against the wet skin of Alisha’s leg and it was enough. Finally, it was enough.

And then Alisha rolled them onto their sides and kissed her again—almost chaste, but there was something almost magical about her smile when she pulled back to meet Irina’s eyes.

A beautiful and dangerous force that, like the moon, Irina could neither deny nor resist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kept the sex fairly unspecific, thoughts? :p


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lightning strikes.

#  Chapter 5: Marisa

She should have known.

It was bad enough she hadn’t done a thing to stop it. And to think she’d chosen to protect herself with denial instead of supporting Ray when he needed it most made her want to claw at her own skin. And the pitiful way she’d reacted when he’d let it slip… He’d clearly thought she knew, and who could blame him? It was perfectly obvious that would be the primary motivation for an alpha to kidnap an omega. One that had rejected him as a mate, too.

She shuddered remembering how she’d cried on his shirt like a child in her mother’s skirts—forgetting the person who’d really suffered was the same one she was leaning against. She’d noticed before too long, at least, but the way Ray had looked then—blank and absent—was almost as terrible as what she’d found out.

He’d look like a stranger, dead-eyed and resigned. Nothing like the man she’d looked up to all her life, the brother that was as close to a father as anyone would ever come.

She’d come to his pack to be an adult, an extra helping hand. She’d imagined it would be easy—she’d been looking after children since she had use of reason—and now she saw the challenge wasn’t organizing the pantry or re-arranging work shifts. Ray could use the practical help—same as anyone with young children—but what he needed most was the emotional support, and that, Marisa didn’t know how to give.

She’d left him feeling like her strings had been cut and made her way to her room without crossing paths with anyone—at least her timing wasn’t as poor as the rest of her social skills and she’d waited until everyone else had gone to bed.

It didn’t occur to her that Irina would be in there until she’d slumped back against the closed door.

But there was no way for anyone who saw her face to miss her distress, and Irina wasn’t one for taking things slow. “What’s wrong?”

Marisa kept her eyes closed, suddenly too exhausted to explain, but of course her roommate wasn’t going to give up that easily. She heard her get up from the single desk they shared, but she didn’t open her eyes until the other woman squeezed her upper arm to demand her attention. “Ray,” she said. Irina’s eyes widened and her heartbeat jumped—she glanced at the door behind Marisa like she could somehow see through it. She couldn’t, but she could _hear_ and there was nothing to hear, naturally.

Her eyes returned to Marisa, brow already furrowed. “What about him?” she asked, a little bit strained.

“Do you…” She stopped. She didn’t know if she should say. She didn’t know how not to. “He was…” She turned her head away, digging her fingers into the wooden door behind her. It was as much as she could hide when she was boxed in by Irina’s taller figure. “Do you know what happened… when he was taken?”

Irina’s silence spoke volumes. Of course she’d known; she wasn’t a naïve little girl playing at being a woman.

“Fuck, I’m so stupid,” she whispered, pulling back from Irina’s grip to cover her face with her hands. “I didn’t… It didn’t even cross my mind.”

“Hey,” Irina chided gently. “ _Don’t_. You didn’t know, how could you? You weren’t there and nobody told you.”

“He—He’s been so—” The words broke in her mouth and she inhaled, more sob than oxygen. She let go of her face just so he could glare at the other woman. She didn’t anyone making excuses for her. “He was taken by an alpha. It’s _obvious_. I just didn’t want to see!”

“Okay,” Irina agreed a little less gently. She’d taken a step backwards. “So you didn’t want to know something terrible happened to someone you love, is that so bad?”

“Yes!” She pushed her palms flat against the wood behind her back and had to grit her fangs together when her elongated claws dug into the soft wood.

Irina didn’t respond, just watched her warily while Marisa tried to breathe through the anger—she didn’t get angry often, but when she did… 

Irina crossed her arms across her chest and interrupted her thoughts in a soft voice. “You have two choices here: you can hate yourself for making a mistake, or you can make up for it.” She glanced up, shocked the other would dare speak to her when she was half-transformed and clearly not in control. Her family had seemed to instinctively know to leave her alone until she calmed down. Irina just nodded when she met her eyes. “I don’t know what you are feeling, or why you didn’t realise what had happened… But he’s clearly still… Upset. And you are the only one… Well, you are the only person he’s close to who isn’t an alpha or a baby.”

She swallowed, noticing almost absently that her fangs were gone. “We are not really that close. Not like… I love him and he loves me, but I don’t think we understand each other that well.”

Irina made a disbelieving noise. “Oh, so you _just_ love each other, and he took care of you when you were little and then you spent most of your lives taking care of your family together?” Marisa licked her lips, unsure how to explain that she didn’t think Ray trusted her to—“Oh, and I forget, you came here to help him take care of his family.”

“I did,” she bit out, a little irritated. “But he doesn’t… Ray doesn’t take help. Not like that. He’s happy if I cook and assign tasks and all that, but this…”

Irina snorted and when Marisa gave her a disbelieving look, she raised her hands and took a further step back. “Sounds like someone I know, it’s all,” she said very pointedly.

“What? I’m not—”

“Closed-off?”

“I’m a private person,” she said slowly, trying to keep her anger at bay. “That doesn’t mean I’m closed off.”

Irina’s eyebrows spoke her incredulity loud and clear. “Okay, so _Ray_ is also a very private person. But he needs help, and not just with cooking.”

“Fine,” she told the other beta, she was still shaking slightly. She needed—

“You going for a run?” Irina said, as if she could read her mind.

Maybe she could. Marisa didn’t give a fuck anymore. She nodded, already pulling her shirt over her head.

“I’ll get the doors,” Irina said from behind her.

Marisa knew she should have thanked her for it, but if she opened her mouth, she didn’t think she could be counted on civility, much less… Irina was already opening their bedroom’s door and by the time Marisa made it to the kitchen door—furthest from the bedrooms and most unlikely to wake anyone up—she was leaning against it, looking out into the night.

“Go,” the other woman told her under her breath. “I’ll listen for you and let you in.”

And it was like a spring letting loose inside her, she jumped onto the porch and seconds later her paws were on the wet ground surrounding the house, the chilly night air welcoming her like cold water in a scorching hot summer day.

 

&

 

Irina had a point; Ray and she had a lot in common in terms of how they dealt with life. Probably because their father had been unexpectedly killed in a freak car accident when they were still young and their family had fallen apart. But maybe not just because of that; TJ clearly hadn’t taken it the same way and there was a reason people studied twins more than siblings. Marisa didn’t know how her twin had managed to keep living like a kid after they’d got proof that the world was nothing like cartoons and the dead didn’t come back by some far-fetched magic. Not even when they were as close to magic as they were.

But he had. While Marisa and Ray… They’d grown up. Not the way people learned about the world, slowly accepting how big and strange it was, its beauty and its cruelty… From one day to the next, the world had shoved itself on their faces and there had been nothing to do but accept it. She remembered Ray spending a lot of time shifted afterwards; she’d spent a lot of time silent.

It was a bit of the same thing, really; they both needed space after being hurt. And it was the same now, Marisa needed to leave him alone to lick his wounds until he was ready to talk—it was what she’d have wanted in his place.

Even if it went against every protective instinct she had. She didn’t leave the house that often—other than to drive back with Irina to see the old pack—and Ray had become so clingy with the babies, it was painful to watch without trying to help.

Not that he’d want her help. In wolf form, Ray hadn’t left his pups’ sides except to guard the porch—and that only if several alphas were inside. And now that he was back on two feet, he’d say one of the alphas’ names and wait for them to nod their agreement before leaving any room the babies were in.

He never looked at Marisa or Irina. But anyone would have understood the second—Ray had met her twice before she’d moved in, after all.

Maybe he just didn’t think she was strong enough to face an enemy alpha if they came… She could hardly blame him for that—sometimes she still woke at night, trapped in a room with five strangers who’d for some reason decided it was perfectly alright to pick up her nieces and nephews without asking for permission. She still remembered the sense of mounting alarm after Ray had left her alone with them and failed to return. She’d known something was wrong after about ten minutes, even as one of the young alphas tried to chat her up while bouncing Jamie on his knee.

It was hardly in good taste, even they’d never join the pack now… And then she’d heard the kitchen door closing and tried to get to her feet only to find her prospective suitor had clamped his gigantic hand over her forearm. Her surprise had quickly melted into indignation, but she could hardly miss his other hand was holding onto Jamie’s tiny body.

“Everything will be okay,” he’d told her, and he’d believed it too.

 _She_ hadn’t, of course. He’d meant everything would be okay for him, and he’d been wrong, but in the end, nothing had been okay for Marisa’s pack either.

But it _would_ be. She was going to make sure of it.

 

&

 

Her patience was rewarded only a few days later when Josh sought her out to ask if she’d mind swapping her duties at the beta wing for babysitting.

She’d almost choked on her tea before admitting, “I don’t think Ray would like that.”

Josh had put a hand on her shoulder, warm and familiar. “Hey, he said he would.”

Her head snapped up to stare at him and she fumbled to put down the cup before she spilled it. “He said he wants me to?” she asked in a strangled voice. “To babysit? On my own?”

Josh rubbed her arm, nodding slowly. “Yes, he wants to try. He knows…” he stopped himself, clearly uncomfortable.

“Yes, he should,” Marisa offered in turn. Of course Josh wouldn’t want to talk about Ray to her—whatever her brother had entrusted Josh with, he’d probably not tell Marisa herself. It hurt, but she got it too; he wanted to protect her and he wasn’t sure she could take it. And it didn’t _matter_ , because all Marisa really cared about was that Ray was trying to get better. No, that he _was_ getting better, because here he was, brave enough to push himself to go out, to trust her again when the last time she’d been in charge of his children—

“So you’ll change the schedule?” Josh prompted.

“Yeah,” she agreed, the knot in her throat easing. “Do you want some tea?”

She felt his hesitation but after a moment he nodded. “Yeah, maybe you can update me on some gossip. I heard TJ crashed the bike into Yamila’s house?”

She groaned, momentarily distracted from wondering if he was taking pity on her. “The _outhouse_ , like, it’s pretty much a big shed and—”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things start to heat up... :p

#  Chapter 6: Irina

“Ready?” she asked Gheorghe from the kitchen doorway. Her aunt had already given her a second breakfast worthy of a hungry wolf and if they didn’t get started, she was going to fall asleep. At least she’d avoided getting another bunch of flowers by asking for a potted plant instead—Marisa would be proud of her.

Gheorghe gave a grunt, then took another drink from his tea. “Why do we have to go out to do maths?” he demanded with sullenness that would serve him well in his coming teenage years.

Irina took another bite of bacon, unable to resist, and gave a shrug. “Too many people here.”

“Yeah, but in my room…”

She got to her feet. “I think your mum said there was a possible movie on the table, if you manage to learn how to do the equations by this afternoon.”

Gheorghe heaved a sigh of defeat. “You are the worst.”

Irina turned around just in time to hide her smile and found her aunt’s eyes across the kitchen, bright and amused. “Thank you for the breakfast, auntie,” she said, then stepped closer for a kiss.

“You are welcome, daughter,” her aunt said back softly and Irina pretended her heart hadn’t leapt. The world could be used for younger people who were not related to you, but that was not how her aunt meant it—not after Irina had joined the family in their trek to England. She’d never said it; but then again, she didn’t _need_ to.

Gheorghe wasn’t bad at maths—he was a disaster. It had been a good long way since Irina had tried to find the value of x and she’d been concerned he might be doing something more advanced than she could figure out, but the textbook was actually fairly clear.

“Gheorghe,” she said slowly after he’d shown her how he thought it should be done. “What’s three times seven?”

The hesitation said it all, as did the way his fingers twitched as if… he was counting. “Okay, so you don’t know your times tables, that’s going to make this a lot harder.”

Gheorghe dropped his hands on the table, slumping forward. “What’s the point? I can’t do it. I just—I can’t do maths.”

Irina ignored that. “Do you know the two’s timetable?”  

He huffed. “Yeah, that’s just doubles.”

“Okay, what’s nine times two?”

He doubted but then spoke, “Eighteen.”

“Good, what about twenty-two?”

She’d expected an immediate response but it took him a few moments of staring to the side to say, “forty-four, because each two doubles, right?”

“Didn’t you learn your time tables last year? I remember we did them together.”

“I forgot,” he said, half annoyed, half ashamed. “I thought I was supposed to remember forever, with the little song, but I don’t.”

“Well, I guess we are going to have to bring back the music, huh?” she offered with a smile. “Let’s go back to the equations now. You can do the arithmetic on my phone.”

Gheorghe gave her a horrified look. “But that’s cheating!”

“No, it’s not, because it’s not an exam and we need to figure out the equations. This is just understanding, once you get how you do it, that’s it. The tables you have to memorize and that will take more time. It’s like... you don’t need to know how to dribble for a shoot-out, right?”

He gave a little grunt of understanding, still unsure, but looked down at the paper when she tapped her pen. “So the x is what you don’t know, and then…”

 

&

 

Sorina was grateful for her help—equations were a go, even if Gheorghe would have to practice the time tables again with another member of his pack—but she wasn’t happy to hear Irina’s suspicions.

“Why would it be anything?” she repeated. “I mean, we are werewolves, we are… as good as we can be. All that learning disabilities thing is just a human thing—like, because their brain chemistry is off or something.”

“Gheorghe is smart,” Irina told her, “I know it and you know it. All I’m saying is that it’s odd that a smart kid forgot his timetables like that, that he believes he is just bad at maths and doesn’t want to keep trying.”

Sorina pulled on her blond hair, exhaling loudly as she squirmed on the passenger seat of Irina’s car. They’d sent Andrei and Gheorghe—who’d definitely earned his reward—back inside after coming back from the cinema, but Sorina still glanced towards the house where her children were. “I… I don’t know what you want me to do, do I go to the school and say… What do I say?”

“You say Gheorghe is really struggling, that you and I made sure he knew his timetables by heart last year and now he is counting with his fingers to get the results.”

“Yeah, and then they put him in a special group and he doesn’t talk to me for a month.”

“Or you don’t say anything,” Irina suggested, knowing her voice was too sharp and not caring. “And he gets to secondary school and realises he’s so behind he won’t be able to catch up without non-stop tutoring for the whole summer and even then he’ll barely scrape by.”

Sorina turned to her, tense but mostly worried. “Are you… are you saying that’s why your brother had to help you study? Because you had trouble with maths and nobody noticed?”

She exhaled, then shook her head. “I don’t know what my problem was. I had trouble remembering numbers, like, more than two, I’d forget. And… there were other things that were hard for me and easy for other people. And maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference, but…” She stopped and made herself meet Sorina’s eyes. “I’m not unhappy with who I am. With how things turned out. But I’d have liked to know that I was different and it wasn’t… It wasn’t anything I was doing, anything I could stop. And, I don’t know, sometimes I found a different way to get the answer. Maybe there’s something like that they can show Gheorghe to remember the time tables.”

Sorina’s hand on her arm almost made her jump but her cousin dug her fingers in, keeping her in place. “You are an arsehole, you know that?” she said quietly, then leaned forward and yanked Irina into a hug.

 

&

 

Irina grimaced as she straightened from where she’d just put down the sofa so Marisa could vacuum underneath. Technically, she didn’t need both arms, but she’d learned to do things the safe way at the site and it was a hard habit to break. Of course, the safety measures of construction did little for the female body’s particular needs.

“You okay?” Marisa asked, tugging her noise-cancelling headphones off.

Irina nodded, exhaling slowly, then shouldered her own to the side so she wouldn’t have to take her hands from her belly. “Yeah, just… cramps. Period.”

“Oh.” Marisa seemed to be about to turn the vacuum cleaner on again without giving either of them a chance to put the headphones on properly, but she changed her mind before Irina could object. “You want to sit down?” she offered, rather awkwardly.

Sure, sitting down and curling up over her twisting middle would help a little, but what she really needed was a hot water bottle. She also would have liked it if their old pack had considered manufacturing werewolf-grade painkillers instead of booze—but what could you expect from a bunch of almost indestructible men running things? They probably figured pain built character, if you were stupid enough to get hurt.

“If we really were that evolved, you’d think we wouldn’t get fucking cramps. Wouldn’t you?” she continued, flopping down on the sofa like her strings had been cut and digging one of her fists into her belly until the worst of the ache passed. “I mean, we have super-speed, super-smell, tougher skin and then… oh yeah, our still organs keep trying murder us from the inside once a month. How’s that practical?”

Marisa snorted, bending at the waist at completely the wrong angle to pick up the stray pieces of Lego the sofa-lifting had revealed.

“It’s like someone got all this money, and by money I mean magic. Anyway, then they bought the fanciest car they could find and then they realised, wait, I don’t have money for petrol!”

“You got a car.”

“Yeah, a functional car. Not a Ferrari or something.”

“So our bodies are Ferraris?” Marisa checked with a small smile.

“Yes,” Irina declared, with more emphasis than the metaphor probably required. “With all the useless fancy stuff expensive cars have. Like… I don’t know, a mini-bar. Super-smell is definitely the mini-bar. I mean, there’s no other way to explain it. How is that an evolutionary advantage that stuck around? Because it’s been a bit of a problem in my life pretty much any time I have come into contact with humanity.”

Marisa laughed, but her answer was thoughtful, “Well, clearly it evolved because we spent a lot of time outdoors hunting and it helped us keep track of enemies in our territory too.”

“Yes,” Irina agreed, curling her legs against her torso to try to try to crush her ovaries into submission, “as _wolves_. We could still have a great sense of smell as wolves and then a more average one as humans.”

“Mmm… Maybe it’s hard to change something so completely—”

“Marisa,” Irina cut in. “We literally _rearrange the shape of our spinal cord_.” She hesitated for a moment, was it called a spinal cord? English was as fickle with how much Latin it kept for medical terms as with everything else. “And, I’m not completely sure because I haven’t weighed myself as a wolf, but I’m pretty sure the mass doesn’t match either.”

“What? Of course the mass matches!” Marisa stopped tidying to give her an incredulous look. “Like, matter cannot disappear, it has to turn into energy. But obviously it can’t turn into energy because you wouldn’t be able to transform back.”

“Well, I’m bigger than you as a wolf, aren’t I? But anyone would think we are about the same size,” Irina waved between their bodies.

Marisa’s eyes followed her hand, lingering for a moment on Irina’s body—not long enough to be called staring, but maybe long enough to make her feel she should sit properly. “You are more…” She stopped, then forged ahead, “You are curvier, and a little taller. It must… It’s gotta go somewhere.”

“Now fat turns into muscle? Hell of a diet, too bad we can’t sell it.”

Marisa huffed, she was leaning against the other sofa now—Legos forgotten. “Well, I’m sure there’s an explanation that doesn’t involve mass disappearing.”

Irina raised her eyebrows. “Wanna bet?”

The other woman looked tempted, but she didn’t agree right away. “Depends, how are we going to settle the bet?”

“Experiments?” Irina hazarded. She’d mostly been thinking of asking Alec who was right but it sounded a little childish.

Marisa gave her an incredulous smirk. “With a scale?” she checked.

Irina’s eyes flickered away, then she started patting herself. She didn’t notice her phone was on the dining table until Marisa leaned in and offered it to her. She was a little flushed when she took it. “Ugh. Mass equals force divided by acceleration,” she revealed.

“I’m going to need so much paper,” Marisa commented woefully. “What am I getting if I win?”

Irina shrugged, pocketing the phone. “Dunno, I’ll do laundry for—”

“Laundry?” Marisa cut her off. “Are you kidding me? I want _dinner_. Out, I mean.”

“Oh,” she said slowly. It was true that Marisa didn’t get out much and Irina did have a job. “Okay, then. Dinner is on me if you are right.”

“Good, and what do you want?” Marisa asked, looking straight at her.

Irina had to take a moment to collect herself. She was pretty sure if she said she wanted dinner, her heartbeat would skip. “Dinner is good.”


	8. Chapter 8

# Chapter 7: Marisa

It wasn’t like Marisa had aced science in school or anything—maybe the advantage was in the fact that she’d only finished her GCSE the previous spring and Physics was compulsory. She wasn’t sure how old Irina was, but her teasing made it clear that she was older than Iesu, who was twenty-four. So a wild guess would put her in her late twenties and about a decade away from her school days.

So it wasn’t exactly fair, but the bet had been her idea, after all. She let Irina set down her plate of toast and eggs before speaking, “So it turns out you owe me dinner.”

She took a sip of her tea, she’d finished breakfast already, checked on the babies and set a batch of laundry going. Breakfast she hadn’t even had to make since she’d got up early enough to catch Alec in the kitchen—the man couldn’t resist a request for food even when he was fully awake.

He’d also assured her she was right. “You know how Alec’s being weighing the babies? It turns out they weight the same in both forms.”

“You asked Alec?” Irina demanded. “Weren’t we going to run experiments?”

“You want to do all those equations?” Marisa asked her with raised eyebrows. “Because I’m game, I’ll jump on the scale.”

Irina huffed. “So how come I’m so much bigger?”

Marisa shrugged and smiled at her, taking another heartening sip of Earl Grey before responding, “I’m compact, apparently. More muscle or something.”

Irina didn’t seem exactly upset. “Okay, then, I guess you should tell me when and where.”

“I know where already. It’s called Ravello. I went on a date there once and it was… well, it was something else.” She took advantage of Irina’s distraction and stole a strip of bacon off her plate.

“Hey!” Irina moved her plate away. “I’m already buying you dinner, leave my breakfast alone.”

Maybe it was true you never quite left behind the places you came from because she couldn’t manage to keep her mouth shut. “It’s a bit pricey, though, so I could—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Irina assured her, and her heartbeat stayed steady. “You should go out more; it’s not fair you are always stuck here.”

“It’s fine,” she dismissed. “I don’t really have anywhere to go.”

“Well, you could work, or…” She seemed strangely shy for someone usually so forward. “Like, it’s none of my business but I thought you would be in… college?”

“I _could_ be, but I finished my GCSEs. I’m a qualified adult,” she added and it came out a little sharper than she meant to.

Irina glanced at her, then went back to her breakfast. “Well, good to know, so I am. Constantin had to help me study so I could finish, but I did it.”

“Is that one of your brothers?” she asked, feeling a little silly for getting upset.

“Yeah, the eldest.” She chewed on some eggs and then took a long drink from her orange juice—Marisa had noticed she didn’t drink tea with meals. “It’s weird because here I’m always the oldest but I’m actually the youngest kid in my family.”

Marisa laughed. “Kid? Pretty sure you don’t qualify for that anymore.”

That got her a perfectly arched eyebrow—and the woman didn’t even pluck them. “Are you calling me old now?”

“Well, I don’t know, I don’t even know how old you are…”

Irina didn’t fall for it, giving a little snort and taking another bite with obvious relish.

Marisa wanted to press—although why she should have cared so much was a mystery—but just then she heard Clara start to whimper softly. She waved Irina back down when the other woman straightened as if to get up. “I got it.”

 

&

 

“You never told me when you wanted to go to Rovello’s,” Irina said the next evening.

Marisa looked up away from her computer, then quickly turned around and paused the video. She’d skipped the headphones for once and had missed her roommate returning from her late shift at the sporting store.

Irina was leaning against the wall next to the door, her ponytail falling over her right shoulder, dark against the bright yellow of her work shirt.

Marisa’s mind was still half on the show and now that she had company, half in the fact that she wanted to either close the laptop’s screen or minimize the window.

Of course, if she did, it’d only made Irina look and she was definitely close enough to see more than Marisa would have liked. She got to her feet instead, putting her body between the computer and the other beta. “I don’t know, you should probably choose. All the alphas are back in the evening and Ray’s here too, so… It’s all the same to me.”

Irina’s eyes slid past her shoulder. “What are you hiding?” she asked, apparently her younger-sibling instincts as finely honed as Anne’s.

“I… Just a show. Um, Shameless?”

Irina laughed. “You have a show called _Shameless_?”

She shrugged, but couldn’t quite hold the smile back. “There’s technically two, there’s a US remake.”

“So it’s good?”

“Well, I don’t think the Americans wanting to re-do it’s exactly a sign of approval…”

“Because they want to fix what the British got wrong?”

“Um, I don’t know, I never really watched the British one.”

Irina let out a theatrical gasp. “Traitor!”

“Yeah, well, I just… It’s about this family and the parents are nuts. In the case of the mother, she’s certifiably insane and off her meds. And the oldest girl kinda takes over raising her siblings…” Irina was frowning. “It’s about a family? Then why are you hiding the screen?” and with that, she stepped aside. “Oh,” she said low and shocked. “I hope they aren’t… related.”

“What?” she turned around and closed the screen hard enough a flash of terror went through her. She opened the computer up again, now more worried about its integrity than hiding its contents. It turned on—image intact of a butt flexing mid-thrust. She minimized the window, then turned to Irina, trying to keep her heartbeat from racing even as she felt her face flaming. “Sorry.”

Irina’s perfectly shaped lips were quirked. “What for? Not sharing?”

Marisa met her eyes, still a little tentative. “You want to watch?” she offered, glancing

Between the screen back behind herself and the woman standing only a couple steps away. Had she misinterpreted Irina’s comment the other day? Maybe liking fish meant something else in Romania…

Irina was still watching her, then she sighed and asked, straight up, not looking away or hesitating—her heartbeat as steady as a surgeon’s hand. “You think I am going to freak because it’s two guys?”

“No!” she said too quickly. “I just—I don’t know, okay?”

“I guess you faint when you see women making out?”

“No, but that’s different.”

“Is it?” Irina’s voice turned acidic and now her pulse was picking up, with anger, it was clear.

“Because I like both!” she spit out, suddenly annoyed herself. “I don’t know what it’s like when you don’t, I didn’t mean anything bad!”

The shock on Irina’s face was almost worth the discomfort of saying it aloud for the first time. Not that she’d been in the closet or anything—why did she need to announce what was obvious? Most werewolves were happy enough to indulge with either sex if they were moon-high, it wasn’t her fault they liked to pretend it didn’t count afterwards. She’d never pretended—it’d just never come up.

It was all well and good to be attracted to people’s bodies, but she had figured out early that she wasn’t interested in indulging when she didn’t know if she could trust them not to be arseholes about it when it came to actually talking to her.

She heard Irina gulp. “Okay, so I didn’t see that coming.”

“Maybe it’s not me who’s making assumptions,” Marisa told her a little testily.

“No way,” Irina replied, shaking her head. “You had a chance to tell me and you didn’t, so yes, I assumed you were straight.”

And she was right, goddamn it. Of course she should have said, instead of stared at her like a dolt. “I never… I never told anyone.”

“Like… never?”

“No, it just… It never came up.”

“It never came up… until now? Because we were talking about two human—” Irina’s voice broke, heart jumping, and Marisa glanced up to catch her start to laugh, head thrown back and shoulders shaking with it. She wasn’t sure what was more startling; the laughter or the way it lit her up, the intensity of her gaze gone as her eyes crinkled at the corners, her height less intimidating as she wobbled a little in place.

She looked away, glancing around the room for an escape. She didn’t necessarily want to leave, but…

“Sorry,” Irina said, mirth still making her voice lighter than usual. “I shouldn’t… I didn’t—” Marisa’s wolf was a disgrace to all supernatural creatures because she didn’t notice how close the other woman was until she felt a hand on her arm, squeezing lightly before letting go. “Don’t be angry.”

Angry… She wasn’t angry, but she was a little disappointed. She’d been angry when she’d said it, angry enough to speak out when she’d never done it before. She shrugged. “It’s fine.”

“No,” Irina insisted. “It’s not. I remember how terrified I was the first time I told someone. I shouldn’t have laughed. I just… You could have told me the other day when I did, but instead it’s all come out because you are watching some dudes fuck?”

Marisa stiffened at the word, unable to keep from reacting. Irina did that a lot, use bad words without seeming to notice—Iesu shushed her on occasion but she’d still say ‘fuck’ instead of something milder if she dropped something. Of course, they _were_ talking about fucking now.

“Okay,” she said, for lack of anything better. She couldn’t quite figure out what she was feeling—in a room with another queer person who wasn’t her brother or one of his partners.

“Do you want to be alone?” Irina asked softly, already taking a further step away. She was basically at the door already—closed because they were all used to blocking all sound to keep the babies from waking.

“No, I…” She licked her lips, swallowing on a suddenly dry mouth. “Is this weird?”

“My parents don’t know,” Irina said quietly.

“What?”

“I mean, that’s a little weird, that my parents don’t know and I can just tell you, and I knew you’d be fine with it.”

She wasn’t exactly sure where this conversation was going, but at least they were talking. “Because of Ray?”

Irina leaned back against the door and shook her head. “Because of England.”

She didn’t have an answer to that. She didn’t know the specifics about Romanian law, but it wasn’t hard to remember it wasn’t among one of the few countries who’d made enough progress both legally and socially not to make her cringe. “But werewolves… I mean, during the full moon, didn’t your pack…?” She gestured, hoping to avoid any specifics.

“Sometimes,” Irina allowed. “But boys will be boys and the full moon is the full moon.”

“So nobody cared about it then, but if anyone wanted to, like, date…?”

“Pretty much. Except male omegas and female alphas, of course. But really, that’s up to the moon, too, isn’t it?” She shrugged, not seeming angry at all about what she was describing.

“What? The moon doesn’t have anything to do with presentation!”

“Doesn’t it?” Irina asked. “It controls the tide and it brings forth heat and moon madness, but you think it’s got nothing to do with who’s a beta, alpha, or omega?”

It was a fair enough point and it wasn’t like she had any evidence to refute, either. She’d first noticed it in school when she’d studied human biology and discovered all the things about the functioning of her own body that didn’t quite fit the schemes she was taught. She still couldn’t understand how humans bore pain for so long, sometimes chronically, without falling to pieces. “I guess it could affect presentation, but then we can say it always affects us because we are always wolves, and on Earth, for that matter.”

“It’s just the way things are.” The older woman said, shrugging.

“Is that why—?” she cut herself off, suddenly aware of how personal the question was. “Never mind.”

“Why I came?” Irina asked, patiently. “Maybe. I felt… I always felt like I had to _go_ somewhere. Do you get that feeling? Like you haven’t seen anything and there’s just so much out there?”

She did, but it mostly terrified her. Did she want to see the dessert? And climb a mountain? Hell, yeah. But it wasn’t something she was planning on—she was okay watching it on a screen where she could pause it. But that was a little sad, wasn’t it? And Irina had left her pack behind in another country, miles and miles away, with a whole ocean between them. “How old were you?”

“Twenty. It wasn’t my idea, though. My aunt got it into her head that we needed land—part of ours was taken by the government when I was ten or something. So there wasn’t enough prey to hunt much, so we had rabbits and we let them out during the full moon. It was a bit… fake.”

“Oh, I… It’s silly, but in my head Romania is really green,” she admitted.

“It is,” Irina agreed. “But there’s also hunters and very little legal protection, so it’s not safe to go outside your own land. We even had to fence it to keep people from wandering in.”

 _A fence_. She clenched her fists to keep from shuddering. Everything about the hunt was about the wilderness—outside and inside—and the freedom from human constraints that came with fur and the blessing of the moon. To have to run inside… even inside a large parcel of land… But it’d have still been Irina’s land, the place that smelt like home, the same trees she’d grown up playing hide and seek behind, the scents of pack buried so deep it’d take generations to disappear even if every single wolf left at once.

She thought about touching Irina’s arm, offering some comfort that way, but then she noticed the way her roommate’s was gazing through the window into the star blotted darkness of the English countryside. “Do you want to go for a run?”

Irina turned to look at her at once, lips a little parted. “Now?”

Marisa shrugged. “Why not? We are the big bad wolves, right?”

That got her a laugh and a head shake. “Yeah, but we have to wake up in the morning anyway.”

“Oh, for work?”

“No, I’ve got an afternoon shift, but aren’t you in charge of the babies all morning?”

“Yeah,” she agreed, already feeling her skin tingling with the imminent change. She grinned at Irina. “But as long as I have something to do, I’ll be fine.”

Irina looked out at the half moon again, then sighed. “Okay, what the hell, let’s go a little wild,” she conceded.    

Apparently, once the decision was made there was no point in delaying because she straightened from where she’d been slumping against the door and pulled the yellow work shirt over her head without any warning. For an endless instant, Marisa’s eyes got stuck on the curve of her breasts over her black bra. Then she pulled up her own shirt just as fast, turning slightly towards the bureau and hoping her increased pulse would be taken for excitement.

It was hardly that momentous: he’d seen Irina half-dressed plenty of times. They’d never run together under the moon because the pups were still too young for it and needed someone to stay with them, but the woman took full advantage of her new pack’s ample grounds often and without need for company.

But it felt different somehow.

Irina didn’t give her time to think about it, she was shifted—a large black wolf—and nudging Irina’s hand with her cold nose to get her to open the door. Marisa rubbed her face, laughing at her. “Forgot something, didn’t we?” she teased and got a long swipe of tongue on her expose belly in exchange. She jumped back in surprise. “Okay, okay, let me get my shoes off, at least.”

By the time they made it to the front door, Irina was basically wagging her tail with each step. Marisa unlocked it and Irina jumped down the steps of the porch and landed on soft soil with a whine of pleasure that seemed to travel up her spine. Marisa glanced back to the house and considered going back inside, watching the rest of the episode… And then she took the collar to which the house keys could be clipped on and put it on around her neck, then folded her trousers and hid her knickers and bra inside before placing them on one of the little shelves on the porch.

Transforming hurt, of course, but not like something being broken. It was closer to diving into the river after too long in the sun, skin screaming in both relief at the temperature and hydration and nerves shorting out at the contrast. And afterwards, the sheer ecstasy of the water lapping at your skin, a whole body caress as the world welcomed you back where you belonged.

She shifted her neck to get the collar to settle more comfortably, then bit at the leather strip at the bottom of the door until it closed. It took her a moment to stop appreciating the resonance of the mechanism clicking into place—as loud to the wolf ears as if she’d put her face right against it in human form.

Irina hadn’t actually gone that far and she felt her approach just in time to get off the porch and head the opposite way. The bigger wolf gladly gave chase, already panting a little. She had longer legs but Marisa wasn’t willing to let such details keep her from making it first to the woods—the unspoken limit of any race.

She’d been a little chilly at first, but soon the wind soon became a relief as her muscles struggled to keep her ahead. She bent further forward, using every muscle to its full advantage—wolves were distance predators and not really designed to run this fast for a long. But then again, humans had invented a whole series of almost impossible sports just for the joy of pushing themselves past their natural limits. She heard the click of Irina’s teeth behind her—just a playful warning, of course—and with a last, very human, effort, half crashed into the short vegetation patches that grew around the wood.

The other wolf was there almost at once, making her wonder if she’d let her get away just to prolong the game. Irina collapsed next to her—not touching because they were both already burning up—and whined softly in a way that made Marisa’s itch for fingers to bury in her fur. She whined back instead—sympathy and complaint all in one.

They’d only been out for about an hour, sharing a rabbit Irina had caught almost without meaning to on their way back. Marisa had got to the door feeling full and a little tired, ready for a quick shower and rolling around in her clean sheets… And realised she’d need to shift to open the door—she could hardly complain about the need for a lock after Ray had been taken, but it made life in four paws a serious problem. It wasn’t that hard to lower her head and push the wolf’s mind deeper into her, letting her human side resurface and bring the human form along with it. But then she was kneeling on the ground, stark naked, fairly muddy and starting to really feel the temperature.

She didn’t look towards the black wolf still flanking her as he undid the clasp of her collar and got the key in the lock. It was ridiculous to care that she was naked—a wolf could not have more cared about breasts than about dark matter. Whatever legends the humans made up, werewolves in wolf form had no interesting in gawking at human bits.

Not that Irina had ever made her feel uncomfortable in her human form, of course. To her shame, the first thing that had crossed her mind when her roommate had confessed she liked women was that she’d never looked _at Marisa_ that way.

The wolf shot past the open doorway at once, leaving her behind to close back up and put on her bra and knickers to walk to their room. She gave Irina a minute in case she was getting changed behind the half-open door, and then approached. “Can I?” she whispered, aware of the hour and the fact that it was Iesu’s shift and he’d whine about it forever if she woke one of the babies.

“Yeah.” Irina was in pyjamas already, a big t-shirt with a logo and faded pink shorts.

“Oh, you… that was quick.”

Irina nodded. “Are you feeling a little better?” and started climbing up the ladder to her bed—apparently she wasn’t going to bother with a shower.

 _Better?_ The thought echoed in her mind without finding purchase, then she finally remembered. “Me? I thought… I mean, you were a bit nostalgic.”

Irina turned on her side, propping herself on her elbow. “I guess we could say we both needed it.”

Marisa stared at her, then laughed. “Oh, god, are you one of those people who can’t admit to any weaknesses?”

“Weaknesses?” Irina repeated. “I got a little sappy, I’ll give you that, but you had fun, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, but—”

“No.” Irina raised a hand, a ridiculously imperious gesture from a woman lying on a bed designed for a child with a t-shirt advertising a product long out of circulation. “We had fun. And now you should go have your shower and get to sleep so tomorrow night you’re awake enough to enjoy Rovello’s.”

Marisa rolled her eyes at her, but didn’t argue. There was hardly anything to argue about when someone suggested exactly what you were desperate to do—and she was happy enough to go to bed thinking about steak afterwards.


	9. Chapter 9

# Chapter 8: Irina

“I’m not going to be able to come out this time.”

Irina’s heart felt like it’d been dropped into a too-small-pocket.

Alisha hadn’t lied. She’d said she didn’t always get heats—not never, just not always. From there, it was only a matter of logic, wasn’t it? For the last two full moons, she’d been okay to come out with Irina, just happy at the power of the moon but not overwhelmed by it. And now…

Well, when an omega went into heat the options were painful, lonely nights—two at the low end, three at the high—or having sex with an alpha so it’d pass faster.

“Come over and help me out?”

Irina still had trouble with English but she was almost sure she wouldn’t have been able to find a response in Romanian either.

“Irina?”

“You… want I come to your house? You are…” She growled. “You are in heat?”

“Not yet," Alisha said. "Soon. And yes, I want you to come.”

“But I’m not—”

“It doesn’t matter!” Alisha had almost snapped, so she wasn't speaking in short sentences for her sake, at least.

The words resonated oddly in Irina's mind.

They hadn’t told anybody about their thing, but not because it was a secret, it just didn’t matter enough to tell. Nobody cared if omegas and alphas slept with betas before they were bonded—sex was sex, after all; what did it matter if there were no consequences? She wasn’t sure what they’d have thought about two women together, but in the two months Alisha and her had been sleeping together in range of a whole pack of werewolves, nobody had ever brought it up. It left her feeling a little uncertain, but she’d take that over the outright rejection she’d have got from her birth pack.

It didn’t need to matter, not to them. But why should it? It was none of their business.

“I will come,” she told Alisha.

 

&

 

She knew what she was doing. But it wasn’t because of Marisa’s unexpected confession. Or, well, it wasn’t like she could ignore it when a woman came out to her—it was important, and it showed a lot of trust Irina probably hadn’t earned. But she’d made that bet about dinner because she’d thought she was right. Or well, she’d made the bet because she’d grown up with boys who needed to be taken down a peg and being the youngest, betting was easier than wrestling. Dinner had actually been Marisa’s idea. It was clear her packmate was trying to be friendly, get to know her, welcome her even. And that was why she’d come to the new pack in the first place, really.

She’d wanted a place where people were straightforward and didn’t play games to climb the social ladder or gain some sort of advantage. So far, the most domineering person in the pack was her fellow beta, who seemed unfazed when it came to telling Gabriel he could not have barbecues every weekend unless he hunted for the meat or told people to bring food.

Irina wasn’t sure but she thought Ray probably hadn’t even spoken to his alphas about putting his little sister in charge of budgeting and assigning duties. Watching her take over was a bit of a show, in all honestly, and she’d been more polite to Irina than to anyone else—never ordering, always requesting. Possibly because she didn’t know her well—but then again, she’d seen Marisa glare at Iesu for trying to set up a Lego castle with the babies in the wrong area of the living room floor and she knew for a fact her cousin hadn’t spoken to Ray’s sister in his life.

She wasn’t tyrannical, in fact, she was very considerate of everyone’s needs—as long as they had the foresight of telling her what they were in advance. She’d sat Irina down the first day to find out her preferences when it came to housework—taking notes on her laptop like she'd planned the questions ahead of time—and she'd then assigned her to building the beta wing with only a little bit of childcare. Not that Irina didn't like the babies, but she honestly preferred older kids and she did have a lot more experience working construction than anyone else in the pack except Gabriel.

“The babies don’t know you yet,” Marisa had pointed out. “But the beta wing will be done eventually, right?” Irina had nodded because she seemed to be expecting an answer. “Good, so by then you can take over more of the childcare. I mean, they are only bound to get trickier and more inventive as they grow anyway, so we'll need more hands.”

And then, when the alphas had all gone back to work, Marisa herself had put on her rattiest clothes and followed Irina’s instructions about bricklaying without a word of complaint—she could hardly be expected to keep her grimaces and sneezing to herself. She was willing to do as much as she asked of anyone else—most of the time, she did more. Irina could see the logic: she was young, healthy, unattached, and she knew how to do things right; why waste time teaching someone else? But she’d listened to Irina when she’d suggested that she was better off doing all the laundry herself than having to fix it after someone else screwed it up—for the tip, Irina had got the honour of being allowed to touch the washing and drying machines herself.

She was almost glad for the bet now because the truth was that Marisa needed to take a break from all that. She was just a kid, really. Not that Irina hadn’t been doing her fair share of housework at seventeen—but she hadn’t been in charge of it all. Even if betas had been allowed the responsibility that traditionally fell in the hands of the First Omega, there had been plenty of more qualified candidates.

Marisa was just lucky to be in a pack so small, she could take over.

Or maybe the exact opposite was true, Irina thought as her fellow beta asked her for five more minutes to brush her hair—which the babies had been playing with when she’d napped with them all that afternoon before dinner and which she hadn’t had time to fix because she’d been helping feed them.

Irina hesitated in the corridor, listening to the sounds of the pups making a right mess of the bathroom as Alec and Gabriel struggled to get them all washed and dried up. Alec, she could understand, but she didn’t get why Gabriel was letting the pups walk all over his big alpha self instead of giving them a warning growl to make them fall in line.

Irina might have loved them, but she wasn’t going to spend every moment of every day thinking of them. That wasn’t the deal—she was a beta, a secondary carer, and she was essential, but she didn’t have hormones messing with her head to make her cross the line from concerned and loving into obsessed. Thank the moon for that much—if it was the moon. She headed to the other bathroom instead—smaller and with a shower instead of a bathtub. She could hear Marisa’s little sounds of frustration through the closed door.

It opened at once when she knocked and her roommate gave her an apologetic smile—so English in its absurdity that it made Irina smile. “Lemme see?”

The other woman turned her back to her and Irina reached with the tips of her fingers slightly curled and felt for the knots. They were pretty tight. “Mmm… Let’s try oil,” she decided.

Marisa whirled around with an alarmed expression. “ _Oil?_ But—”

“It’s oil or scissors,” Irina cut her off with a shrug.

“Fine, okay, I just… ugh. I like my hair,” she admitted this almost bashfully for some reason.

All Irina could think to respond was to agree that it was very nice hair, wavy brown with lighter highlights that must have come from sunlight because her nose wouldn’t have been able to tolerate any chemicals, and—she assumed—soft as well when it hadn’t been used by toddlers as a fiddle toy.

Irina went for olive oil, because humans tended to make commercials about its properties and because it smelled like it might actually come from nature. It was also more expensive so she was unsurprised to see Marisa purse her lips when she caught sight of it.

“How do I do it?” That gave her pause because for some reason, she’d been thinking of doing it herself. Marisa caught the hesitation. “Do you want to…?”

“Um, no, I mean, I can if you want me to, but you just oil your fingers and massage the knots, really.”

Marisa turned her neck, trying to catch sight of her hair in the mirror. “I can’t really see it, it’s the thing,” she said almost apologetically. “I could ask Ray…”

Irina snorted. “Maybe Gabriel,” she joked. “I don’t think your brother would be that good with hair. He keeps his pretty short.”

Marisa smiled at that and offered the back of her head to her, meeting Irina’s eyes in the mirror. “Yeah, okay, please fix my hair, master hairdresser.”

“Mistress,” Irina corrected, taking back the bottle and unscrewing the lid. She only needed to wet her fingers, really.

“Mistress isn’t the same as master for women,” Marisa said, biting back a smile Irina saw in the mirror anyway.

Irina rolled her eyes at her. “I do actually speak English, but I think it _should_ be.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so your language is all neutral until it gets _really_ sexist and makes all feminine forms disappear.” She stepped closer and took hold of the biggest tangle, rubbing the oil into it between her thumb and fingers until she could slide them down a little. She still needed to use her other hand to tug the strands apart; Marisa stiffened in front of her. “Sorry,” she murmured.

“It’s fine.”

She didn’t bother apologizing again, too focused on her work. “Ah, there!”

Marisa turned her head halfway, as if she’d forgotten the whole reason Irina was doing this was that she couldn’t see it. It left her neck exposed in a way a wolf couldn’t help but notice. “You got it?”

“One of them,” Irina told her and tugged a little so she’d turn around. “Let me get a little more oil.”

“I’m going to smell like a salad bar all night, aren’t I?”

Irina bit her tongue, because sure, olive oil was pretty pungent, but it wasn’t actually overpowering Marisa’s own scent all that much—not from this close. She moved on to the next knot, moving her fingers back and forth to get the tangled hair to slide free. She was so lost in it that she didn’t notice she was leaning against the other woman’s back until there was a knock at the door—she didn’t remember closing it after getting the oil but as she froze in place, she couldn’t deny her relief.

“What do you want?” Marisa called out. Did her voice sound a little off?

“To pee!” Ray called in a tone siblings anywhere would have recognized.

“Should have made me a bathroom of my own!” Marisa called back.

“Marisa, seriously!”

Marisa lowered her voice to ask, “Would it mess it up if we move?”

“Mmm… Just a sec,” Irina asked, and held the told still with one hand as she scissored her fingers inside the knot. It still pulled on Marisa’s skull enough to make her flinch. “Done. Sorry,” she added.

Marisa waved it away, already opening the bathroom door and giving her brother a look. “Are you going to stand there or can we get out?”

Ray looked confused for about three seconds before deciding he wanted to pee more than he wanted to know and stepping aside.

The door closed again behind him with a definite click just as Irina realised she hadn’t picked up the bottle. “Forgot the oil inside,” she told Marisa.

The girl snorted, turning to give her a look it took her a moment to decipher. “Are you—Are you implying something dirty about olive oil?”

She shrugged. “Well, I don’t think Ray’s going to know about its secret detangling properties.”

“Well, no, but I hope he _does_ know it doesn’t make good lubricant,” she said just as Sergi stepped out of Ray’s bedroom—he must have just got the babies to bed.

Iesu would have made a joke at once, but his lover just looked shell-shocked. “I thought you guys were going to dinner?”

“Yeah, yes!” Marisa said quickly. Apparently she was not so enthusiastic to discuss sex with one of her brother’s lovers. “We just…” She pointed at her head. “The babies got my hair all tangled, so Irina was helping me. With oil.”

Sergi’s startled expression melted at that, maybe because Marisa’s nerves were too adorable for anything else. “Okay,” he agreed with a slow nod, glancing at Irina as if he wanted her help. “Then have fun, at dinner.”

“Thank you,” Irina told him, nudging Marisa towards their room before she could offer any other unnecessary information.

They just needed to pick up their phones—and Irina’s wallet—but Marisa closed the door once they were inside and covered her face with her hands, groaning.

Irina couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, you could have stopped speaking any time. Also, pretty sure you could have made him blush.”

“Ugh, gross, I don’t want to talk about sex with Sergi!”

Irina pocketed her phone, then asked in her best innocent voice, “Thought you liked boys?”

Marisa almost stumbled on her way to the door, then turned to give her a horrified look. _She_ was blushing a little. “Boys, yes, my brother’s… boyfriend, no!”

Irina followed her into the corridor. “I didn’t think they…” she stopped herself. “Actually, I have no idea. They might be sort of dating as well as mated.”

“What?”

She shook her head and glanced around meaningfully. “Car.”

Marisa waited just until the door clicked shut. “So? Spill. What did you mean?”

“I haven’t been here that long—”

“I noticed, but I also have no idea what’s going on with my brother and his alphas. My mum’s worried too. We thought…” She swallowed, looking away. This wasn’t just gossip.

“So you didn’t know Ray wasn’t… um, keen?”

“Of course not!” Marisa said indignantly. Then she glanced back at the house a little guiltily. “Would you drive, please? I don’t want…”

Irina indulged her, starting the car and turning towards the path that led to the main road.

“They all care about Ray. That’s obvious. And they take care of him, but… right now, they aren’t sleeping together.” She ignored the way Marisa’s heart jumped at that. “And it’s been long enough since he gave birth, so… I mean, I think they must be making an effort not to.”

“Because he doesn’t want to?” Marisa’s voice was barely a thread. “Because of what… what that bastard did?”

Most of the time, Irina forgot how young she was, but it took serious effort not to reach out and hold her hand right then. She hadn’t lied; she had no idea what was going on right in front of her eyes.

“Yes, sure, but I think… I think maybe they might feel something for him, beyond him being their omega. I mean.”

“Josh does,” Marisa said quietly. “He was always pretty obvious about it.”

“Yeah, hasn’t got any more subtle with age. But the others… just the way they watch him, I don’t think it’s just them being alphas.”

“But Sergi is with Iesu, you don’t think they are serious?” Irina looked away from the road for a whole ten seconds to make her incredulity as clear as could be. “What? If he’s already—”

“Doesn’t mean he can’t also be in love with Ray,” she interrupted, voice going a little high. It wasn't even that personal, but the one-true-love fantasy reminded her of all the other things the world had expected her to grow into—all the ways in which she'd turned out a disappointment. For them, that was it; it was perfectly possible to be in love with two people—if you were _that_ lucky—just as it was perfectly fine to love another woman and have her love you back—even if that probably required just as much luck.

A couple cars sped by them, demanding Irina’s attention, and Marisa didn’t speak for so long she thought they conversation might be over. But then, as she took the exit for Lanchester, she asked, “You really think that? That you can be in love with more than one person at the same time?”

“Why the hell not?" She said, then tried to soften her tone; Marisa was just asking. "You can love more than one person, can't you? What’s so unique about romance?”

“Well, it’s just—”

“A fantasy,” Irina cut in, unable to hold back.

Marisa didn't give up though, because that wasn't what Marisa did. “So you have been in love with more than one person at the same time?” Irina could feel the weight of her gaze, and of the question, too.

Irina kept her eyes ahead, but then again, they needed a parking spot. “You remember how you won this dinner off me, right?”

“Yeah," Marisa said slowly. "I won the bet. What’s that got to do with anything?”

“Science.” She started parking, looking backwards a couple times before she could slide the vehicle in place. “It doesn’t matter if _I_ have experienced it or not, lots of people have. And anyway, love is just your brain going loopy with hormones, no reason it has to be only one person breaking your brain.”

“Wow, that’s romantic,” Marisa commented sarcastically, but she sounded almost admiring and when Irina turned to her she was actually smiling.

She shrugged. “Well, everything we feel is happening in our brains, doesn’t mean it’s not real.”

“At least now we know werewolves are subject to science, too,” Marisa pointed out, getting out of the car.

Irina followed her out. “Yeah, the instantaneous transformation into another species kinda tricked me, but now I see magic isn’t real; our ancestors just somehow evolved to become a different type of predator following the cycles of a random satellite.”

Marisa laughed, leading the way to her chosen restaurant. “Well, humans have… Appendixes? Evolution is weird.”

Irina held the door for her. “I guess the fangs at least are useful,” she agreed, flashing hers, and got a startled look from the maître for her trouble. “Table for two, please.”


	10. Chapter 10

#  Chapter 9: Marisa

Dinner with Irina wasn’t weird. It was just that she’d never gone to dinner with a friend before—not to a real restaurant. Not to many restaurants at all, to be honest, she’d never really got on with anyone outside her family well enough to make those kinds of plans. When she’d been in school, she’d gone with TJ and his crowd to annoy the employers at the local McDonald’s with their loud chatter and sudden bursts of hilarity. But she hadn’t really been part of the joke—more like a silent, puzzled observer of the rituals of teenagehood. Occasionally her twin had met her eyes when the humans had said something amusing—but mostly it had been TJ and other wolf boys making dirty jokes and laughing at their teachers, at each other, at the world.

Marisa had mostly rather liked her teachers. In a small town like Lanchester, her reputation as a sensible girl had made them relax around her and treat her like the person she was. She thought they appreciated not having to deal with her like she was a little child, and she certainly preferred adults to the half-formed creatures most of her contemporaries were.

TJ teased her that she was like an old person trapped in a kid’s body. Marisa could hardly take offense; she didn’t see what was so great about poor impulse control and a short attention span.

“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asked, glancing between them. She realised she’d let her mind wander. She took a gulp from her lemon water—she bet they’d be charged for that. Well, Irina would be, which she really should consider when she chose…

“Mmm… Something with olive oil? What starters do you have?”

Marisa’s head snapped up and Irina met her eyes with a smirk. “Do you want to share?” she asked with barely concealed glee. She was definitely making fun of how she smelled, which was particularly unfair because she’d insisted it wasn’t that strong back when she had told Marisa she didn’t have time to wash her hair.

“We have a very good olive oil and balsamic vinegar dip,” the waiter offered a little hesitantly—maybe he could tell he was missing something.

“That sounds good. With bread, of course.”

Irina wound up ordering some wine, insisting Marisa should try it regardless of whether she could get drunk—Marisa suspected she was used to speaking Romanian in public because she didn’t seem to care that it was a weird thing to say in front of a human.

She wasn’t immune to Marisa’s meaningful look, at least. “What?”

“The guy was right there and you were just talking about how I couldn’t get drunk!”

Irina gave a slow nod, then tilted her head. “Is this an English thing? Do you have to be polite and pretend humans aren’t completely ignorant about what’s really going on?”

“What?” Marisa stared at her. She was pretty sure the confusion was feigned.

“Well, it’s not like he’s going to guess you are a werewolf, so… he can think whatever he wants? Or not, because he probably doesn’t actually care.”

It was a more than fair point, really. But they'd always... “I just don’t like being careless.”

“If you think about it, while we are in human shape, we have never been safer.” Irina twisted her hand around between them as if in demonstration—it sort of seemed like she thought her own hand was a very interesting specimen. “How many people would even believe us if we told them? Much less actually come to the conclusion themselves?”

Apparently, Irina was really keen on science and logic today. “Okay, okay, you win. I just… I’m used to being discreet.”

Irina’s pressed her lips together as if repressing a smile. She wasn’t having much success.

“What did I say?”

Irina took a sip of wine. “I was just thinking about how discreet you are that you kept the whole liking girls thing a secret in a house where everyone else is openly gay.”

“Queer,” Marisa corrected. “Gay just means—”

“Homosexual?” The word sounded oddly clinic and a lot more accented than Irina’s English usually did.

“Yeah, so…”

Irina glanced to the side, then dipped some bread into the olive dip and asked, “So who’s not gay?”

It took Marisa a moment to process the change in mood. For a moment, it’d seemed like the other woman was going to get serious, and now she wanted to gossip? “Well, I haven’t, like, checked, but Ray and Josh used to date girls, so…”

“So they are bisexual too?”

“You don’t need to sound so sceptical.”

Irina’s eyes widened and she made a visible effort to swallow, raising a hand to ask for time. “I’m not—I believe in bisexuality, I’m not saying I don’t. It’s just that Ray and Josh seem like the kind of couple who fell for each other right about the time their dicks acquired dual functions and just… never looked back.”

“I thought you could be in love with more than one person at once?” Marisa leaned in and dip her own piece of bread into the mix, then glanced up and raised both eyebrows in challenge.

Irina snorted, eyes bright. “Touché.” She pushed the menu towards Marisa. “Now find something you want to eat before the waiter comes back, either we are taking too long or he’s trying to get one of our numbers. Can’t ever really tell with English men.”

Marisa shrugged. She was never sure herself, not until a stranger approached her and she had to get out of an awkward conversation without resorting to violence—even if they very much deserved it. “We should get meat,” she said, because on the few occasions her family had splurged on outings, it’d been her mum’s maxim. And then she saw the right sight of the menu and regretted it at once.

Irina must have heard her heart skipping a beat. “Relax, kid, it’s what I make in a day working full-time. And I knew it when I bet.”

“We didn’t say dinner where,” Marisa reminded her.

“Look, I know you are careful with money, and I’m grateful for that, don’t get me wrong. But I’m not. I make sure I have a little put away on a savings account and then I buy people presents. I mean, I don’t pay rent and the house budget is so well run I think we could have a barbecue each weekend that doesn’t rain and we’ll still be good.” She pushed the bread basket towards Marisa. “Also, you are just making it weird.”

Marisa laughed, so suddenly and loudly that she startled herself. Then she looked down at the menu because she didn’t want to look at Irina. She had to put her hand down over the right side, but she did get a stake—and whatever it cost, it was probably worth it.

 

&

 

“You went to Ravello’s? With Irina?”

Marisa was glad she and Ray had got over the awkwardness, but she didn’t appreciate his scepticism right now. “Yeah, she betted me we didn’t have the same mass as wolves and as humans. Alec says I’m right, so I got dinner.”

Ray gave a slow nod. “I guess I could see that… Are you guys friends?”

She hesitated. She was friendly with everyone but she didn't really have friends; she hadn't since she'd been a little girl, really—she wasn't sure if it was about losing her dad or something about her but other kids had never seemed to like her much. Maybe she could do better with adults, now that she was one, even if it there were a few months left until it was official. “I guess? I mean, we are kinda stuck with each other, so…”

Ray sighed and guilt twisted in her gut when she realised he'd taken it as a complaint. “I’m sorry about that. The plumbers couldn’t come any sooner, I swear.”

“It’s fine!” Marisa told him, tickling Clara to get her to stop trying to get away. She couldn’t deal with another escape attempt at the moment and even though all the doors in the room were closed, her niece was a resourceful little pup. "I didn't mean it like that."

“I kinda promised you some privacy.” Ray shifted his arse on the couch so the three pups on top of him wouldn’t send him crashing to the floor, then gave Jamie a despairing look when the little boy tugged at his hand to get added to the pile.

Marisa leaned over and rubbed the boy behind his ear to get his attention. He chose wisely and stumbled her way so she could lift him into the space between his dad and her. Then she met her brother's eyes. "I like it here," she told him firmly. "And yeah, I'd love more bathrooms, but it's fine for a bit. And I don’t really mind sharing with Irina. She knows stuff, and she’s nice.”

Nice wasn’t a fair assessment, but it was bad enough she’d fallen to pieces when Ray had told her about the assault, he didn’t need to know Irina had taken care of her even then, when they’d hardly known each other. Or that it was her advice that had got Marisa to get off her arse and ask Alec to babysit so she could have a movie night with Ray. Irina was right: Ray was having a hard time and he needed her support—he didn’t need to know where she got hers from. He probably assumed it was all their mum.

“Stuff? Like the hair thing with the oil?” he checked. He sounded a little doubtful.

Marisa rolled her eyes at him—Irina had been right about this too; Ray wouldn't have known how to help her if she'd asked. “Yes, like the hair thing with the oil, and you are probably going to be very grateful for that when your daughters grow up. Do you remember how many times we had to cut Annie’s hair off because she went to bed chewing gum?”

Ray absently ran a hand through Maria’s short white fur—it looked, in all honesty, a little odd, but it was definitely worth it to stop her siblings from pulling at her hair when she was a girl. “I like Irina, Mari, don’t bite my head off.”

“Don’t call me that,” she said for the hundredth time. “And don’t call _her_ that,” she added after a moment. She was pretty sure Gabriel hadn’t considered how like hers his daughter’s name sounded because… well, he was a guy and guys were oblivious. “Unless she asks you to, which I guess she might soon if she keeps up the babbling.”

“Um, Alec says they will take longer to speak, like, because they are learning two languages. And they might mix them too.”

He sounded almost bashful about this. Marisa glanced over and hit him on the neck—most of his body being taken by his children pressing close. “I know that, Ray, and let me tell you, you can go back in time and teach me another language while I can absorb it unconsciously any time you like. I mean, a couple months for a whole language? Is this supposed to be a real problem?”

“They might keep mixing them up for longer than that,” he pointed out, glaring a little, but she could tell he was pleased.

“Tragic,” she deadpanned. “Just think of when they can’t think of the right word and they can say, ‘I know it in Romanian, but I can’t remember what it is in English.’”

“I guess it’s better than just not remembering it,” he admitted.

“Duh,” she said, rearranging Jamie so he didn't get stuck between the cushions. “So mum is coming over tonight, just her, I got TJ to take over dinner and bedtime.”

Ray nodded along as she explained. She could understand why he’d retreated from them after presenting omega and being pushed into starting his own pack with five alpha mates. They'd all understood, but now that she was here, he wasn’t actively trying to see the rest of their family any more. She didn't think it was intentional, not when their presence relaxed him so obviously, but she also didn't think he was going to fix it on his own.

It also didn’t hurt that their mother couldn’t complete a visit without cooking dinner for them or taking a pile of baby clothes away to sew. That was more to Marisa’s benefit than Ray’s, since she’d made sure that other than helping with building the beta wing in her stead so he’d get out of the house for a bit, he didn’t have any other housework that didn’t involve looking after the babies.

It was working for both of them. Marisa didn’t mention the nightmares everyone in the house knew about, and Ray agreed to their mother’s comforting presence and support and their siblings occasional house-shaking visits.

It’d take time, but they would get there.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is it so far? Thanks to Hikaru, I'll be adding an extra scene with Irina and Alec discussing Gheorghe's difficulties, plus some TJ somewhere--incidentally, I have another character called TJ in another 'verse, which I just now realised. I repeat names a lot for someone who spent half their childhood collecting lists of pretty names. In any case, anything else you are looking forward to? It might be it is indeed necessary, or that i just get inspired and write a drabble :p


	11. Chapter 11

# Chapter 10: Irina

The letter in her hands seemed like an impossibility. For one thing, the only person who ever wrote to her on paper was her mother and this letter was in English. For another, she was already fairly certain she did not want to know what it said.

It could not be good news. Not when the lover whose body had warmed her bed had sneaked right out the window through which she’d come and left her with a fucking piece of paper.

She glanced around, hoping for a forgotten sock or scarf **—** any sign of what had passed other than the messy bed. There was nothing. Alisha was gone like she’d never been.

And nobody wrote in a letter something they expected to be well-received. In the twenty-first century, letters were as far from romantic as could be. They were an excuse for distance, a last recourse for those retreating.

 _Irina,_ Of course Alisha wouldn’t say ‘dear’, she was against all fakery.

_I love you. I have to say that first even if when you read the rest of this it’s hard for you to believe me. I love you. I was trapped before, by my family and my body. And you came and I could find the strength to fight. For you. For me. _

_I shouldn’t have needed you for that, but I did. They always told me I needed an alpha but what I really needed was you, because you didn’t ask me for anything I didn’t want to give. You never thought you owned me, you never thought I was a reward._

_You just thought I was me and that was enough. And it made me think… maybe I am enough. Maybe if someone can look at me like you do, then I am okay. _

Irina’s stomach turned at that and she had to close her eyes for a moment. She only realised she’d clenched her fists around the paper when she heard the sound of it. _Like what?_ she wanted to ask. How had she looked at Alisha? Like she was the first person in this strange land to look _at Irina_ and see someone worth making an effort for? Like she was the first woman who **—**

She’d known she was being naïve. She knew too much about the world not to, but she’d wanted to believe someone could look _at her_ like that so badly, she’d let it not matter. She’d taken what she’d been offered, treasured the seemingly unthinking tenderness Alisha bestowed like a slave took sweets from her master’s hand. She smoothed down the paper.

_I am good enough even if I don’t always get heats, even if maybe I can’t have children._

Maybe. She’d said… Not that she couldn’t, although Irina had suspected her intermittent heats weren’t a sign of great fertility. But Alisha _had_ said she didn’t _want to_ , that she wasn’t going to play the good little omega like her parents and pack wanted. That she wanted to be free.

_But now I realise something else. Something I didn’t want to know. And I have to thank you for that, too, because if it wasn’t for you I would have never been strong enough to look at myself and see this: I AM an omega. It is part of me, and I can’t change it._

_I can’t change the heats. And no matter how much I adore you, you cannot make them better._

She’d let the paper fall to the floor then, and dropped herself on the bed **—** except Alisha’s scent on her sheets felt like being stabbed with her own spinal cord. She rolled off the other side, already yanking off the whole thing **—** pillows flying off so violently the lamp on the bedside was knocked off with a crash.

It didn’t stop her. It couldn’t. She had to get rid of it. She dropped it all on the ground and went to the window, pushing it open as wide as it’d go and then walking right back for the bedding.

Her aunt looked up from her morning cup of tea as she stalked into the kitchen to use the washing machine **—** but she didn’t say a thing. Not about Irina coming out of her room in only a long t-shirt, not about the bedding that had the scent of another woman. She sat with her newspaper and let her get on with spilling too much of the expensive hypoallergenic washing powder that was the only one werewolf noses could tolerate, then close the machine too harshly, almost hard enough to crack the plastic screen.

Irina stared at the machine as it started its loud rumbling **—** realising at once she should have waited until the kitchen wasn’t in use but too exhausted to think of how to fix it now

She was still staring at it when her aunt, who’d never in the last half year given any indication that she knew Alisha was her lover, had got to her feet and taken her elbow. “Come on, a shower will make you feel better.”

Irina had glanced away, feeling like if she said anything, she wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears. She let her aunt lead her to the bathroom and turn the shower on for her, though. Then she looked down at her shirt and realised it still smelled like her lover and the frustration of the mistake made her growl in the enclosed space **—** claws growing without her meaning to. And it was too much to expect her not to rip off the shirt and then her underwear too **—** just to get it off her skin, away from her senses. Just so she could _breathe_.

She went to the window and propped it open, digging her claws into the sill and leaning outside to breathe, not caring she was naked and gulping air like she’d been underwater **—** ozone and rain and mud, and not a hint of her own scent or… She left it open as she turned and stepped under shower **—** water hot enough to burn a layer of skin, sensation as much pain as pleasure. It was just what she needed, just what she wanted **—** short of tearing her own skin off in strips like she’d done her clothes.

 

&

 

When she’d been invited to join Iesu’s pack, Irina hadn’t expected to find herself looking at paint samples with the First Omega’s little sister. But she could make do **—** as long as Marisa didn’t ask her if she could tell 164 and 168 apart. She’d have been happy enough to leave it up to Marisa herself, but her roommate had asked her for an opinion, since they’d both be living there and none of the other betas of the pack were in residence yet.

“The rooms next to the bathroom are a little bigger,” Marisa explained as they walked around **—** which Irina knew, seeing how she’d worked in the site a lot more than Marisa herself. “But I don’t think it’s worth it with the noise of pipes and everything.”

She hummed in agreement. “Those connecting walls are going to need an extra layer of paint to cover the new cement from the installation,” she commented. The plumbers hadn’t found the gaps Gabriel had told them to leave to be wide enough, apparently.

“Now the bathroom’s done, we can start with our rooms,” Marisa suggested. “I kind of want this one,” she added, stopping on the doorway of one of the two rooms at the end of the corridor. It was medium-sized and square, with a gap for a built-wardrobe that just looked like an odd platform at the moment.

“Far away from the kitchenette and the toilet,” she deduced with a half-smile. Marisa was kind to everyone and not at all shy, but she made no secret of her introversion.

She rolled her eyes at Irina. “Yeah, well, Kaylee can have the other one.”

“No way, you think I’m giving up prime real state when I get first pick? That one’s mine.”

Marisa gave her a bright smile, seemingly pleased with the news. “Okay, we’ll keep being neighbours.”

Irina couldn’t say she didn’t get it; it’d be weird not to hear breathing when she was trying to fall asleep. Although she wouldn’t miss having to avert her eyes from a well-turned leg escaping the confines of the bedding as Marisa tossed and turned in her sleep. “So you got what you need?”

“The colours? Well, you could choose a trimming colour?” Marisa offered.

Irina glanced down at the booklet. “Um, white?”

Marisa stared at her for a moment before bursting out laughing. “ _White?_ What? You couldn’t be more boring?”

“I couldn’t care _less_ ,” Irina corrected. “If it’s not too bright, I’m good.”

“Okay.” Marisa raised both hands in defeat. “As long as I hear no complaints… I think I’ll stick Yousuf with orange and see if he notices.”

Not having met Yousuf beyond a short introduction on their last visit, Irina didn’t get the joke. “Is he colour-blind?”

“Huh, no... do you think werewolves can be colour-blind?”

“Sure, I mean, there’s **—** Well, we know plenty of werewolves with issues. Mostly psychological but… I actually think my nephew might be dyslexic.”

“Oh, is that having trouble with writing? Do you mean Andrew or George?”

“Gheorghe,” Irina told her and pointed towards the kitchen area and the living room that connected to the main house. “He’s fine with writing, but he’s having trouble remembering times tables. Like, he knew them all last year and now he’s using his fingers to do 3 x 3.”

“Isn’t that a memory thing?”

“He’s not good with numbers, I don’t really know… I used to be a bit like that, in school. It was just **—** I didn’t get some things when the teacher explained them, or I’d forget them very quickly.”

“Oh, and now… did you figure it out?” Marisa asked it carefully but without real hesitation.

“Not really.” Irina gave her a smile with the shrug. “But I figured out the things I _am_ good at, so I do those instead. And, I mean, I figured out English, so I kinda feel like I win anyway.”

Marisa’s sharp surprised laughed echoed in the bare walls of the biggest room in the house and down the corridor to the main house, since there was still no door. “I’m sort of imagining how things will be when they all grow up and I can’t understand half the conversations in the house…”

“You can always learn,” Irina suggested. “No need to suffer.”

Marisa didn’t seem sold on the idea. “Are you guys going to Romania for Christmas?”

She’d probably meant it kindly, but Irina’s throat closed up. “No, I… I don’t go to Romania. I haven’t been since I left.”

“What?” Marisa’s heart jumped. “But it’s been…”

“Thirteen years,” Irina told her.

Marisa frowned a little. She’d taken the dyslexia as a curiosity, but with this, she couldn’t hide her pity. “Don’t you miss it?”

Irina snorted. She supposed it was hard to understand **—** even her family didn’t really get it. Her aunt and uncle saved up every year to be able to spend a month with their old pack **—** and came back each time laughing about the words young people in Romania were using nowadays and reassuring themselves that they’d certainly not miss English food.

They never spoke of going back to stay anymore **—** not with Sorina settled with her own family. Sorina couldn’t leave, as good as tied to the new land they’d brought her to **—** so they couldn’t either.

Sometimes Irina wished she could be that sure of their pull on her.

“Every day. That’s why.”

“I don’t get it.” Marisa had led the way to the kitchen, probably to consult Irina on what colour to paint it, but now she was just leaning about the counter looking at her with her deep cholate eyes. Irina’s confusion at the party was understandable; she did look older.

Irina looked away. “If I go back, I don’t think… I don’t think I could leave again.”

Marisa didn’t say anything for long enough that Irina glanced at her. She found her a lot closer than she’d expected. Her hand on Irina’s elbow sent a burst of adrenaline through her, making her heart skip a beat. Marisa met her eyes, studying her face again. “You okay?”

Irina wanted to say yes. She was always okay. She had a home, food on the table, a job and her family close enough. And Ray’s pack were growing on her too **—** especially the members who still needed diapers and could listen to her sing without wincing. And possibly the woman who was watching her now **—** a little tense but wanting to offer comfort badly enough to overcome it. She nodded, hoping that would be enough and Marisa nodded back and squeezed her arm before stepping aside, chin tucked in. “Maybe you can teach me some Romanian. Like, before we move. I heard it’s better if you learn something right before going to sleep.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The storm is coming...

#  Chapter 11: Marisa

Mikey gurgled happily as Irina blew a raspberry against his belly. She looked delighted and did it again before sitting him up to put a shirt on him.

“Do you want kids?” Marisa asked. She didn’t know why, maybe it was the way Irina looked so…

Irina's beautifully arched eyebrows twisted in a moue of distaste. "My own? No way. You?"

She stared at Irina, frozen in place.

Telling Ray her secret had helped. Not just her, but him. Or at least it’d helped her understand him because where he’d been a little jealous before, now she got how _wrong_ being an omega felt to him **—** as wrong as not being able to have children felt to her.

Her mum knew, too, of course. But _she_ didn’t get it **—** she’d been meant to have children as an omega female and she had. She’d had the life Marisa thought she was meant for herself. That life was a fantasy, rationally she knew that her mother had a hard life. She’d depended on her mate and her brother to support her and her children **—** and she’d spent her adult life making sure those children were okay when her mate had unexpectedly died.

But it’d been _Marisa’s_ fantasy. It’d been the thing she’d always known she was good at **—** taking care of children and a family, making sure everyone was safe and fed and going to bed on time.

It wasn’t so different to where she’d ended up, really, but she’d only known for a year **—** she couldn’t quite let go yet.

It wasn’t doing anyone any harm inside her head, anyway.

Except her. Because she loved Ray’s children, but that love was in itself a punishment because they were _Ray’s_ children, and it hurt. She didn’t want it to. She wanted to be brave and good and take care of her brother **—** who’d taken care of her **—** but she couldn’t stop wanting it for herself too.

Irina wouldn’t get it. But… Irina had told her so much already **—** about her trouble with school and leaving her land and most of her pack behind **—** that it felt cowardly not to share this now. Maybe some part of Marisa had wanted to say it and that’s why she’d up brought the topic of having children in the first place.

At least Irina wouldn’t feel sorry for her **—** like he mum did. And Ray, too, in a way, even as what she wanted seemed horrible to him. But Irina was clearly happy being a childless beta, so she wouldn’t… she wouldn’t feel like she had something Marisa didn’t. She wouldn’t get it, probably. But Marisa didn’t get why she wouldn’t go back to Romania for a visit and she could still be supportive, couldn’t she? Sometimes you didn’t need someone to cry with you, but someone who’d listen and give you a nod **—** getting that you were in pain and ready to stand by your side. Sometimes anything else was too much on top of everything that was happening inside you already.

"I always thought I'd have at least three," she said. Her voice sounded normal, her heartbeat was only a little quicker.

"Thought?" Irina echoed. She set Mikey down and he crawled back to the pile of Legos and soft toys he’d been sharing with Sasha and Clara. Irina just seemed curious, perhaps to her it seemed possible that Marisa had simply changed her mind. She must have taken too long to answer because Irina was gentler when she prodded. "What happened?"

"I **—** I can't," she finally bit out.

"Like **—** "

"Physically," she added quickly. She didn’t want to go into details **—** she very much didn’t want to go into the details.

She heard the other woman gulp. "I'm sorry," she offered, as quietly as Marisa had ever heard her. It wasn't enough, but what else was there to say? There were no solutions, nothing anyone could do. The last werewolf doctor they’d seen had even sneaked her in for an x-ray. No chance at all, she’d said, meeting Marisa’s eyes like she felt was owed that much.

Marisa jumped a little when Irina put a hand on her shoulder, but the other woman waited her out. When their eyes met, Irina’s were full of sorrow. “You are sure?”

She managed a nod, her throat felt so closed up she couldn’t understand how she was still breathing. Irina’s grip loosened but she didn’t take her hand back, instead she came closer and put her arm around Marisa’s shoulders, gathering her close. Marisa found her own hands clinging to Irina’s loose shirt, her body curving into the other woman’s taller frame. She was breathing too fast, but at least she wasn’t crying. She tried to concentrate on Irina’s hand rubbing her back softly, on the strength of her arms around her **—** on her presence when that was the only thing that could be offered.

When Jamie started wailing and they had to pull apart, she felt almost normal again. Irina growled at Mickey to back off **—** the pups were still not used to their teeth and would sometimes hurt each other by accident **—** and they headed for the crying baby together.

 

&

 

Marisa hadn’t known anything was wrong until Irina brought the stroller over with all the babies to their room.

“Marisa.”

Marisa had heard enough in her voice to be alarmed; she’d closed her laptop and got to her feet. Irina was in the process of sitting the babies on the floor on the little rug she kept there to sleep on when in fur. It was yellow and Sasha and Mikey were already pulling at the long hairs on it. “Close the door.”

“What’s going on?”

“I don’t know.”

“So you are acting really weird for no reason?”

“ _No_ ,” Irina’s temper flared with her pulse. “Just… I really don’t know. But something is wrong. Josh came over to get Ray from the beta wing and he told me to get inside.”

“Josh _told you to_?”

Josh might have presented alpha but Marisa had never seen him give anyone an order **—** sometimes he still had a hard time putting real presence into this voice when he spoke to the pups.

“Exactly,” Irina replied. “I think **—** ”

But whatever she might have guessed ceased to matter in that moment because Ray’s voice rose, sharp and panicky **—** loud enough to be heard all the way across the house even with two doors closed between them. Marisa couldn’t tell what he was saying **—** her hearing was keen but sound still followed the rules of physics **—** but the tone was plenty to go on. She’d have gone to him at once, only Maria **—** still young enough to have a strong bond with him **—** started whimpering softly. In a matter of seconds, her siblings joined her, confused at the sounds and probably at whatever they could feel from Ray. The stroller was only designed for four babies and the straps hadn’t survived the teething process, so it was not even surprising that Clara was on the floor. But Marisa had never seen her niece go up to the door and start scratching at it with such desperation **—** she’d long learned to be sneakier. Irina scooped her up and twirled her and Jamie in a way that normally made them squeal with laughing terror. This time, it didn’t work, and Irina met her eyes across the room. “Music?”

Marisa had Mikey and Sasha taking up her arms and Maria was half curled up against her on the floor, as far up her lap as she could get with her chubby body. She put Mikey down against her side, rubbing his back a little before she reached for her phone on the desk and fumbled for the music app. It wasn’t that loud but it was still _something_.

The shouting had stopped but wherever Ray was, his pain clearly hadn’t **—** Jamie was outright sobbing now. Not crying for attention or out of distress but a softer, more tired version, like he’d been crying for hours instead of minutes. “What the hell is happening to them?” she asked Irina.

The other beta shushed her. “It’s okay,” she promised Marisa, barely audible over her nieces and nephews losing it and the Beatles crooning her dad’s favourite album. “This happens, when an omega really loses it and the babies are this young. Just…” She rocked Jamie and Clara a little, then seemed to decide it was a lost cause and went over and knelt next to Marisa, placing them next to their siblings. “Maybe put some classical music on.”

Marisa did as she was told, even as her heart constricted like it was being made into juice. The music didn’t seem to help much but Clara had stopped trying to get away, at least.

Irina muttered something in Romanian, clearly not a compliment, then added, “Let’s get them all to transform.”

“What?”

“It’ll be easier, pups are easier to distract and they’ll go to sleep if we cuddle them.”

It was a fair point **—** resilient as they were, they still wouldn’t enjoy sleeping on the floor and there was no way they’d fit on Marisa’s bunk **—** even if they wanted to go to sleep without an adult. Irina went ahead and started removing the babies’ clothes.

Marisa helped her but she couldn’t help glancing at the door. “I want to go see what’s going on.”

“Help me get them settled,” Irina asked, “then you go and I’ll stay with them.”

Marisa’s heart skipped at the offer **—** guilty and desperate at once **—** and Irina shook her head at her. “He is your _brother_.”

She didn’t try to argue further against a fight they hadn’t had and she’d won anyway. She got Sasha out of her onesie and her nappies **—** thankfully clean **—** and set her down on all fours.

By the time they were all naked, Jamie and Sasha had been sensible enough to shift into fur **—** the room was too cold for a hairless body **—** but Maria and Mikey weren’t getting it, both of them still crying softly, now looking all the more pitiful for their lack of clothes. Irina huffed a little and took off her shirt, exposing her white bra and tanned skin to Marisa’s eyes before she could look away.

She bit her lips on an exclamation about warning her and started picking up all the clothes they’d left on the floor and piling them up on the bureau they shared. It was stupid, at a time like this, but… But there was going to be a time after this, a time when she’d come back to this room and have to look Irina in the eye.

Irina wasn’t being careful about her clothes so it didn’t take long for her to be in fur too and singing at the babies, little yips to get their attention and then a deeper rumble once they flocked to her. Marisa took Jamie, the last one to shift, over to the pile already forming and he joined with enthusiasm, burrowing between his siblings and against Irina’s warm side.

The black wolf looked up at her, and Marisa swallowed hard and sidestepped them, going for the door. She allowed herself a last glance before stepping through and caught Irina nudging Mikey over so she could lay on her side. They didn’t need Marisa; they were looked after.

She suspected the same wasn’t true of her brother.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting these 2 together because I have been distracted editing the final manuscript and forgot to update :p Hope you like!

#  Chapter 12: Irina

She’d never believed in karma—it did not take much observation to conclude the world wasn’t a fair place. For starters, by the standards of karma, no soul could have earned being born in human form and at the same time deserve the type of suffering both the random cruelty of the universe and other humans inflicted.

But if she’d needed convincing, Raymond Halley would make a hell of a case. She stared at Iesu, whose normally animated face was almost blank with shock and grief as he admitted Ray was pregnant—by the alpha who’d kidnapped him. And raped him. Iesu couldn’t bring himself to say it, and Irina didn’t blame him. She thought it might have helped if Ray hadn’t killed the guy and his alphas could get the closure of doing it themselves. Of course, if anyone deserved the closure, it was Ray himself, but it still hurt to see the utter helplessness in every line of Iesu’s body. To know there was nothing _she_ could do to help him.

“Come here,” she demanded, and her cousin accepted her hug, sagging into her arms like he was barely holding himself up. He was trembling slightly, and she suspected he was close enough to tears it would not take much to tip him over the edge. “He’s tough as hell,” she reminded him. “He’s made it this far and he will make it out of this.”

Iesu tensed in her arms. “Out of this?”

“Somehow,” she insisted, tightening her grip. Iesu hadn't sought comfort like this from her in years, but if he thought he was too grown up for a hug, he had another think coming. “I don’t know what the options are," she told him. "But we’ll all help, and he _will_ be okay.”

Iesu leaned close again, pushing his nose against her neck, like he was a little boy again and sad they’d left their pack behind, but too aware of how scared his own parents were to show them his distress. She rubbed his back and hummed, as close to the deep rumble of a wolf as her human lungs could produce.

“He ran off. Josh is with him, but…” She heard him swallow, either to keep his cool or because he didn't know what to say.

“That’s what he needs,” Irina agreed. “Josh will look after him.”

“I know,” Iesu said. “But I—I want to be there, too.”

He probably needed it too; an alpha's every instinct was meant to be turned towards protecting his omega and giving him whatever he needed. Iesu was doing exactly that, but his wolf was unlikely to understand.

“I know,” she echoed. “But you know this is right; you can’t all be the person who knows him best. That’s Josh’s job.”

He sighed, a little put out. “Yeah.”

“And your job is to help this place run smoothly while he’s busy recovering,” she told him and pushed him back to meet his eyes. “And my job is to make sure you get some sleep sometimes.”

Now that she'd ended it, he seemed reluctant to pull back from the embrace, but he shrugged and offered her a smile, weak but there. “Thanks.”

“Any time.”

 

&

 

Ray had only been a wolf for a bit that first day. He hadn’t left his room much since, but Irina counted him not hiding in his animal form as a big win after last time.

She shouldn’t have, because it didn’t last. He didn’t stay a wolf for long, but he’d transform a little too often—when he couldn’t cope with his thoughts, she imagined. Some of those times Josh could be counted upon to get him to shift back, other times he'd come back inside with a tight expression that spoke his failure loud and clear. Nobody ever asked about it, although Alec could be relied upon to offer him a cup of tea and Marisa to invent some work.

Irina couldn’t really understand what Ray was going through, and she didn’t _want_ to. Growing up, she’d tried not to think too hard about the possibility of being an omega or why the idea made her so uncomfortable. Maybe it was as obvious as the fact that she wasn’t attracted to men and most alphas were male. Maybe it was the loss of control. For an omega, the moon ceased to be a kind mistress and took up a whip; she could not be negotiated with or worked around. It wasn’t enough to run and hunt and avoid people who got a rise out of you; there was nowhere to run from your own body.

She’d never asked Sorina how she felt about it, it would have revealed too much. Her cousin already had to live with it; she didn’t Irina’s pity.

Maybe she didn’t even want it. Maybe, a part of her hoped, some people were truly suited to submission.

She suspected most people just made do. Alisha had made do, and Ray was struggling to do the same.

She didn’t want to understand. Not any more than she could guess.

She hoped for the best, of course: he was a nice enough guy even with the fits of protectiveness and the mood swings he had way too many justifications for, and she couldn’t think of a single human being who deserved his fate.

But what she’d told Iesu was true: each of them had a function in their pack. Josh was Ray’s comforter, regardless of whether they ever became lovers like they clearly longed to. Iesu made Ray feel normal with his jokes and his teasing. Alec was Ray’s doctor, of course, and Gabriel had apparently been instrumental to them figuring out the problem. She wasn’t sure what was the deal with Sergi, who’d once been a sort of teenage enemy to Ray because he was too socially awkward to tell another boy he was attracted to him. She figured Marisa was Ray’s connection to his past, a sensible, steady voice making sure the world kept rotating even when Ray’s body and mind were spinning out of control. And Irina was part of that too. It didn’t sound like much, but a hot meal and clean sheets did make a difference; they couldn’t stop Ray’s suffering, but they were a different type of comfort.

After the news of the pregnancy, Marisa had come back to their room looking pale and shaky and had curled up with Irina and the puppies on the floor without shifting herself. It had taken Irina a whole minute to realise she was crying quietly. She’d pushed her nose against the other woman’s chin until she allowed her to curl up in her arms. The babies hadn’t woken, probably exhausted from all their own crying, and Marisa had clung to her like she was a lifeboat in a storm.

They hadn’t spoken of it since, but maybe it’d made it seem pointless for Marisa to use her energy keeping up a happy façade with her because Irina kept walking into their room to find her staring out the window with a blank look on her face.

By that weekend, she’d had enough. Most of the alphas owed her a favour or five, but she asked Sergi because she knew _he_ wouldn’t ask what she was doing. She told him Marisa would be coming with, just because they all depended on her so much, and then went into the living room and clapped twice.

“Surprise! Sergi’s taking over.”

Marisa frowned at her, sitting up. Miraculously the babies were keeping busy with their toys and the television and she'd just been reclining on the sofa. “He is? But—”

Irina shook her head at her. “Come on, are you okay to be seen in public, or does something need to happen to your hair?”

That got her a reluctant smile, and Marisa finally got to her feet. Said hair was tied back and looked as soft as Irina knew it to be, but she’d noticed the spray Marisa used to style it hadn’t moved from its spot on the bathroom sink for days. “Fine.” She looked over at Sergi. “You cool with this?”

Sergi gave her a nod. “Absolutely, have fun.”

Marisa’s smile didn’t quite express agreement with the sentiment, but Irina would take it over the lost expression she’d been sporting most of the time. Not that a smile in public necessarily meant much; she wanted to see what the younger woman would be like when they were alone.

“So where are we going?”

Irina offered her a smirk. “That would be telling.”

 

&

 

She’d considered going out to eat again—they’d had a great time when she’d lost that bet, after all. But in the end, she’d gone for something that was a bit more of a distraction. She was all too aware that Marisa had a competitive streak a mile wide, so she’d found her a terrain where she could compete. Marisa had a fair chance of winning, considering she’d grown up close enough to a big city to visit the bowling alley semi-regularly all her life. Irina was stronger, of course, since she’d spent most of the last decade working with her body. They were about even, she figured.

“Oh,” Marisa said when she realized where Irina was leading her. They’d left the car in the big parking lot near the row of restaurants that lined the centre of the commercial area.

Irina checked her face, but there wasn’t much of a clue as to what she might have been feeling. “If you don’t—”

“No way!” Marisa cut in. She was grinning when she turned to face her. “I’m going to kick your arse,” she announced with relish. She looked like a strange mix of a child at Christmas time and a predator about to tear into prey with extreme violence.

Irina snorted. “You think so, don’t you?”

Marisa shook her head, not in denial, Irina realised, but out of incredulity. “You didn’t ask anyone about this, did you?”

“No,” Irina admitted. “Why?”

“Because I won the last time we all came bowling,” she explained. Her teeth were showing, and her eyes were shining. “We played five games with mostly alphas, and my twin, too.”

Irina rolled her eyes, opening the door. “Why should alphas be better at _bowling_?”

Marisa shrugged. “They aren’t,” she declared with easy arrogance.

Irina took it with a laugh, pleased Marisa’s mood had improved so fast. If she’d known an outing into town was all her friend needed… She let Marisa pay for them both without arguing; she could pay if they played again, or if they went to eat, whatever they ended up doing.

Marisa started as she apparently meant to go on: with a strike so smooth it left Irina blinking. She took her turn with careful deliberation—she was not a fan of losing herself, exactly—but only managed to knock out nine and one, a half-strike.

Marisa didn’t gloat, but she hardly needed to. She walked up to the lane for her next go and got another strike with an easy step and swing, with about as much effort as Irina had seen her put into flipping a pancake. That was something she might have wanted to take into account when she’d dared her roommate to a competition that mainly required strength and manual dexterity.

She took the time to calculate the angle this time, squinting down the lane, and then used her considerable control to send the ball straight and steady. She bit back the exclamation of triumph when the pins fell apart, but Marisa must have seen it on her face because she smiled back at her when Irina turned around. “That’s more like it,” she teased.

Irina shrugged, looking away for a moment before glancing up again just as their paths crossed. “Good luck, champion,” she said at the last minute, almost bursting out laughing at the way Marisa gaped at her in fake offense.

She didn’t bother sitting down, assuming Marisa would play quickly. But the other woman took her time. It turned out to be a bad idea: she got only eight pins and Irina caught her growling at her result, then exhaling slowly as she picked up a second ball. She got the other two pins, but it was only a half.

If Irina could manage another strike herself… She’d barely straightened to head over to the balls when Marisa stalked back, hips swinging with her long steps as she crossed the space. Irina was about to move aside when the other beta reached her and put her hand on her exposed forearm. “Good luck,” she said, so close her breath stirred the hair that had escaped from Irina’s loose ponytail. She must have taken a nap because she smelled intensely of the lavender she kept under her pillow.

Before Irina could raise any objections—she wasn’t sure which—Marisa had moved back. “Gonna get a Coke,” she said.

Irina stood, rooted in place as her brain struggled to get her skin to stop tingling and her pulse to slow back down. It had to be a deliberate attempt to throw her off so she wouldn’t close the gap between them now that Marisa had fumbled. No way was she falling for such a basic trick—she might not have bowled much in her life, but she knew how to play _dirty_.

She re-did her ponytail, tighter and high up so that her long hair cascaded down her back. She almost hesitated to do more because it’d be obvious if she did, but what the hell? Marisa had started it, she could deal. She twisted the bottom of her shirt and tied it under her ribs, baring her lower back and midriff.

Her timing could have used a little work; she was swinging the ball when Marisa returned and the choking noise she couldn’t quite hold back might have thrown Irina’s ball a little off course. But seven wasn’t embarrassing, and she got rid of the other three the second time.

Marisa still looked shell-shocked when she made her way back. “Can I have some?” Irina asked her innocently. She didn’t even like Coke.

“Here,” the other beta said, handing it over. Her agitation had been obvious from her pulse, but she even _sounded_ breathless.

Irina took a sip to keep from smiling. “You’re still kicking my arse,” she offered.

That seemed to remind Marisa of what the stakes were because her eyes cleared, and she gave her a reluctant nod, as if to acknowledge that Irina had got at her.

She managed a strike easily, and although Irina did too, it didn’t really matter. It was like Marisa had just needed a little refresher—or an incentive—and now nothing could stop her. Irina watched her total go from clearly losing to absolutely embarrassing in the next three plays. By the time the machine gave Marisa a bonus for three strikes in a row, she was well past denial and firmly on the side of acceptance.

Marisa _had_ kicked her arse. And when she turned around, she was not bothering to hide her smugness at all.

Irina shook her head at her, smiling a little too—it was hard to be annoyed when she’d been owned so thoroughly—then raised her hands in surrender. Marisa walked up to her and squeezed her arm companionably. “Better luck next time,” she sing-songed. Her hand lingered on Irina’s arm a little longer than was necessary, but she supposed it _was_ her turn to tease.

“Want to get something to eat?” Irina asked once she’d pulled away. “My treat.”

“Mmm… Yes, please.”

She’d been surprised at Marisa’s easy acquiescence to spending more money, but she assumed it seemed fair to her after she’d paid for the game. It turned out to be more about the fact that Marisa wanted to eat cheap pizza from a box than fairness.

“It’s good,” she promised when she saw Irina’s dubious look. “I mean, it’s greasy and probably not terribly healthy, but come on, we are not going to a _restaurant_ again.”

“Okay, are there any free tables, at least?”

There weren’t, but Marisa took care of it, going up to a group of young people—acting very much their age—and starting a conversation that got her some surprised sounds and a lot of laughter. It also earned Irina more than a few looks, but then again, she’d forgotten to untie her shirt and she knew what happened any time she neatened up even a little bit. She kept her face blandly neutral and waited it out, wondering if her friend could really pull it off.

She very much could. After a couple more minutes, one of the guys got to his feet and clapped his hands, and not long after, the others followed. Soon the three tables were a mess of used serviettes and empty boxes. Marisa folded a few and piled them up on the furthest table with the efficiency of a ninja and only seemed to remember Irina was there when their hands bumped as they reached for the same half-empty drink. They managed to keep it upright but spilled half the sticky liquid on their hands.

Marisa snorted. “Smooth,” she complimented, licking her knuckles like she wasn’t two feet away from Irina.

Irina stepped away, getting her wallet from her back pocket. “What do you like?”

Marisa’s brown eyes were full of laughter when she looked up at her. “Large margherita, please. And a Coke.”

“I’m sensing a theme here,” she commented, earning herself an eye roll. “Be right back.”

Marisa had been right: the pizza was good. Apparently, the owners were a relatively recent import from a country that thought picking unripened fruit from plants was sacrilegious.

“What’s in this dough?” she asked. “It’s like paper but so…” She paused to take a bite and chew slowly. The pizza was unusually thin but crispy at the bottom and soft at the top nonetheless.

“A ton of butter, I bet,” Marisa said.

“I think you mean olive oil,” Irina pointed out.

Marisa snorted. “Yeah, sure, they’re selling it this cheap and it’s made with _olive oil_.”

“Pretty sure they’re charging us the difference in the drinks,” she said without thinking, then quickly added, “And no, it’s not expensive, just that they’re two quid each and that’s basically what they cost at a restaurant.”

Marisa shrugged, swallowing with a satisfied sigh. “Worth it.”

It was. As far as Irina was concerned, it would have been worth it even if the food hadn’t been great because Marisa was relaxed and smiling, clearly having a good time and not thinking about... It felt like she could breathe properly again for the first time in a week.

 

&

 

Irina stared at her, her heart hammering in her chest, her lips still wet. From Marisa’s _tongue,_ her brain helpfully supplied.

Marisa gave her a beat before she took a step back, face falling. “I—Sorry, I thought—” She visibly flinched, as if her own thoughts were painful.

“It’s fine,” Irina managed to get out. Her body felt heavy and oddly sensitive, like her skin had been scraped raw with sand. “Don’t—”

“No.” Marisa raised a hand to silence her. “I obviously made a mistake. I apologize.” She wasn’t looking at Irina. In fact, she was hunched over, eyes so low Irina couldn’t see anything but her eyelashes.

A mistake. It had been a mistake. It had to be, it was just… It wasn’t like that. They were friends, but Marisa was _seventeen_. She had her whole life ahead of her—as many choices as she could want, and to imagine she’d settled on Irina out of anything but convenience…

Maybe it was she who should be apologizing, because when Marisa had started her teasing flirtation, she’d played with it instead of making it clear where things stood. “Okay,” she agreed. “But—”

“I think I want to walk home,” Marisa said quickly, and she was already turning when Irina stepped closer and took hold of her arm to stop her.

“Whoa, calm down,” she told her firmly.

Marisa went tense as a statue in her grip. “ _Let me go_ ,” she demanded, and Irina did at once.

“Sorry.” She crossed her arms over her middle. “Just… Don’t go. I’ll drive you back, we don’t have to talk about it.”

Marisa exhaled slowly, then nodded, still not meeting her eyes. After hours of sharing space, talking with their faces as much as their mouths, it felt like she was being abruptly cut off.

She didn’t speak, like she’d promised. It wasn’t that hard, really, because all she could think to ask was if it had been real. She couldn't help it; Marisa hadn't said a thing, she'd just… kissed her. Like that. Soft and firm, for just a few seconds but without holding back. It had _felt_ real. But what else would it feel like? She had to keep her head. Irina was the first person Marisa had ever come out to as bisexual, and she was… She’d put down the little flares of interest as harmless before, but if it could make Marisa think this was a possibility… If she'd made her sensible _roommate_ think Irina would agree to something casual with a girl thirteen years her junior with whom she also shared a bedroom...

Marisa didn’t say another word until they got back to the house, and then the words were so completely flat, it almost hurt to hear. “Thank you, I had fun.”

Irina didn’t get to respond before she’d run up the steps and walked in, leaving the door open for Irina but clearly not intending to wait for her.

She only realised how badly she’d fucked up when, on her way to the entrance, she saw Marisa return—in fur this time—and jump past her with ease before taking off into the night as if in pursuit of prey. In the empty fields around the house, Irina could watch her run for a few minutes before she got out of range.

She hesitated at their bedroom’s door—should she leave Marisa a change of clothes on the shelves? Or would that irritate her more than one of the alphas seeing her naked as she transformed back? As a rule, a female werewolf would try to avoid undressing in front of a male because, supposing he found her attractive, it’d create an awkward situation. But in this case the awkwardness seemed to be all on Irina’s side. She could have bet good money she was more interested in seeing her roommate naked than any of the alphas. Her cousin was keeping Sergi plenty occupied if the noises Marisa and she tried to drown with loud music were any indication. And Sergi probably felt that Iesu’s claim that Marisa was like the little sister he’d always wanted made the boundaries very clear anyway.

Josh wasn’t even a question. He wouldn’t have looked at Marisa twice even if she hadn’t been Ray’s little sister. Maybe Marisa was right and he could be attracted to women, but since Irina had met him, he’d had eyes for no one but his omega, and from the way Sergi and Iesu carried on, it had nothing to do with Ray’s orientation. Josh’s devotion would have been sweet if it wasn’t also a little concerning.

But of course, it was none of her business. And, looking at her empty room, she could hardly claim to be in any position to offer advice.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be fair, Marisa has some solid reasons to be confused.

**Chapter** **13: Marisa**

She wasn’t a little kid. She could be mature, even if she’d been too upset to return to their shared bedroom right after it’d happened.

But part of that maturity was admitting that she was angry with Irina. Not for saying no, of course. But what on earth and the moon had the other woman assumed an outing where they flirted and took turns to pay was if not a date? Marisa wasn’t very experienced, but she’d known Irina long enough, and she’d never seen her wear her hair that high, or her shirt tied under her ribs. Possibly because she’d probably get followed around by trails of salivating humans; Marisa would have been tempted herself if she hadn’t thought...

Now she’d embarrassed herself so profoundly and irredeemably that seeing the other beta even in passing made her pulse start to race.

Irina had nodded at her the next morning when their paths had crossed—Marisa had desperately needed a shower to get rid of all the random debris she’d picked up sleeping wild—and had the grace to forego any teasing.

That night, she’d stayed up late in the living room, fully aware that Irina had an early shift at Decathlon and would need to get to sleep relatively early. She’d listened for her breathing before opening the door as slowly as if she planned to rob her. Irina’s pulse had remained steady as Marisa changed into pyjamas. She’d shifted around once Marisa laid down in the lower bunk, but if she’s been conscious at all, she’d not spoken up.

So it was fine, really. Even if Marisa couldn’t help but be a little pissed and feel a little stupid. She knew Irina was around Gabriel’s age, a certified adult, and sure, Marisa did the job, but she wasn’t surprised to learn that didn’t mean she was seen as an equal when push came to shove.

It didn’t matter. It was only going to be for a little while longer. The beta wing was in its last stages and needed a lot of work Ray shouldn’t handle—such as painting—and that Gabriel was too busy to supervise. Not that he would have objected to Marisa’s decision to prioritize getting the kitchenette, bathroom, and one of the bedrooms done first. To save on costs, the living room and the kitchen would have no doors for a while. But it wasn’t like they’d be installing fire alarms—if a wolf didn’t smell something burning first, then that wolf was dead already.

She made a list for the trip to Ikea Gabriel promised her and scheduled it for when Irina was working a long shift at the store. If it all went well, she didn’t even need to find out until it was all done. Gabriel’s van was big enough for five people, but three werewolves was plenty to carry some paint and a few doors.

“We could use the credit card to get the rest of the doors,” Gabriel told her when she turned off his music again. Marisa liked Gabriel, but his musical taste had stopped developing the year she’d been born.

“Save it for an emergency.”

“But if we don’t use it, how is our credit score gonna improve?”

“We do use it,” Marisa pointed out reasonably. “We use it to pay for things for which we  _already_  have the money. Then it’s paid up by the end of the month and they can trust us to do that any time we ask. Plus, didn’t you all apply? We could get a car on six credit cards.”

“Well, good thing we have a car,” Sergi commented. They actually had five: one for each alpha except Alec, and then Irina’s. “Why didn’t you wait for Irina to be here to do this anyway?”

Marisa took a moment before she answered, completely truthfully. “We discussed colours and everything, I know what she likes.”

The last bit came out a little discordant, earning her a sideways glance from Gabriel. And it was completely stupid because she  _did_  know what decorations Irina liked, what colours she wouldn’t mind having in her room. None of it had anything to do with the fact that Marisa clearly did not know  _who_  she liked.

Except not her.

&

Before their fateful bowling adventures, she’d have found it hard to avoid Irina. But the other beta seemed willing to do her part to keep things from becoming tense. When they had to be in the same room, it was normally with the children around, and they could get away with talking of dinner or diaper changes so the silence wouldn’t become too much.

Sometimes Marisa pretended she needed the toilet when she didn’t. But she didn’t feel guilty about it: the secret of strength wasn’t perseverance, it was  _pacing_. You had to know your limits, and you had to respect them. She didn’t ask her body to go beyond what it could do, why should she treat her mind with less respect?

So, when she needed a moment because she’d caught herself following the curve of Irina’s neck with her eyes, she was going to bloody well take that moment. And then she’d be okay again if Irina’s arm brushed hers when she passed over Clara.

Spending a lot of time in the beta wing helped, too. She got Irina’s room painted a pale cream with dark aubergine accents in two days. Then took a break from the fumes outside, hidden but close enough she could still use the wifi to find a fridge they could afford that would be big enough for five werewolves to use full time, even if the cooking mostly happened in the main house. The kettle and the microwave were a bit of an indulgence at this stage, but even when she added a toaster, it all came to less than a hundred pounds. And she didn’t want to suggest Irina move in somewhere where she couldn’t even make a cup of tea.

[I spent all your money for you!] she sent Gabriel, and got back a long string of laughter that made her smile.

It was getting late, and Ray was technically in charge of the babies, but she went back to the main house to check on him anyway.

What she found made her heart clench painfully in her chest. Only Jamie and Clara were wearing clothes, the rest of the babies had transformed and were chasing each other around the room. Ray seemed oblivious to it all—his hands were on his own belly. On the slight swell of it already showing the new baby. His rapist’s baby.

He didn’t react at all when Marisa walked in, which she was hoping meant his wolf could tell she was pack.

“Ray?”

He startled, hands tightening around his middle.

“Sorry,” she told him softly. “You looked… lost in thought.”

He shook his head, face still too blank. “Just…” He looked around, eyes finding each of his children in turn. Marisa wondered if his wolf had been keeping an ear on them while Ray’s mind wandered. The babies were getting old enough that they didn’t need constant supervision, and Ray’s ability to relax his constant vigilance had to be a good sign, right? Except...

Well, she'd thought the little trips Josh dragged him to were helping her brother go back to normal. Or whatever place he could reach from whatever hell he’d ended up in his own head... Maybe it was too much to expect this soon.

She sat down and leaned against his side. She had hated it when TJ had hit a growth spurt and shot past her, but she’d never expected anything else of her big brother. It was comforting to know he could hold her up. Except that for all her weight was no hardship, he didn’t look like he could hold  _himself_ up. She reached out and put her arm around his shoulders, rubbing gently. “Anything I can do?”

Ray sighed softly. “You’re doing it, I just… There’s no easy way out,” he murmured, turning towards her and holding her back a little too tightly.

She had to inhale deeply to keep herself from crying again, but she managed. “No,” she said, and her voice didn’t tremble. “But I’ll make it easier. Any of us will. You just have to ask.”

“I… I know. I will,” he told her. He sounded like he regretted it, but he was telling the truth.

&

Helping Ray was a fine art—she had to be there without becoming annoying, while also making sure not to interfere with anyone else’s efforts. Mainly Josh’s, but she’d almost walked in on him and Alec having what sounded like a serious conversation once.

She still used it as an excuse the next week when Irina asked if she wanted a ride back to their old pack, something that had become a tradition in the short time they’d both been in Ray’s. Irina hadn’t offered the first week after… after bowling. Now she was ready to pretend everything was fine again. Marisa wasn’t.

It was dumb and possibly the whole reason Irina wasn’t interested in the first place, but what was the point of pretending she was fine with spending time with her without a task to focus on? 

Besides, if Irina left for a while, she could get the last of the furniture set up in her new room. It could be a sort of apology, really.

&

“I just saw the new house,” Irina said from the doorway.

Marisa had known she was there, but lately, it’d become easier to ignore each other unless they had something to say. If anything, it was Irina who was breaking their unspoken pact. She glanced up from where she was attaching a nappy to Jamie’s bottom. She’d thought about taking Irina there herself, but in the end, that seemed too dramatic, and… Well, it would require them to be alone there together, and wasn’t avoiding that the whole point of the room? She’d mentioned it to Iesu instead—he was too clever not to notice it was odd that she’d ask him to show off her own house to her housemate, but he’d taken the hint without questioning her. Marisa couldn’t be choosy, and unless Irina said something to him, it wasn’t like he would guess  _why_  she was behaving oddly. “Do you like it?”

“You only did my room,” Irina said quietly.

Marisa spared her a look, but that was all she could spare; Jamie was sweet, but he wasn’t fond of clothes. “Gotta start somewhere. I’ll—”

“You want me to move.”

“I—” She hadn’t expected to be asked. Weren’t they both pretending everything was fine and it wasn’t awkward as hell to share a room with a girl who’d stolen a kiss from you? “You can. If… I mean, it’s a little weird, and I thought—”

“Yeah, you bet it’s weird!” Irina huffed, obviously struggling with her temper. “But it doesn’t have to be, I don’t need to run away from you.” She was keeping her voice down for the babies, but she couldn’t control her heartbeat. “It was a mistake, and… and I see that I was… I probably gave you the wrong impression, but we can get over it. I mean—”

Marisa snorted, the old anger suddenly burning in her chest. She met Irina’s eyes straight on, letting Jamie crawl away with a few buttons still undone. “What if it wasn’t a mistake?”

Irina was staring at her, lips parted and body stuck in place like she’d forgotten she had the option of moving.

“You said no, and that’s fine. But the way—” She stopped, shaking her head and pointed at the door just in time for Irina to reach down and scoop up Clara. “It doesn’t matter. We have work to do, and I… I’ll feel better having my own space.”

Irina closed the door behind her. It was just so no other pup would attempt a daring escape, but it still sent Marisa’s heart racing. “I didn’t mean to lead you on.”

She was sincere. It probably didn’t occur to her that the fact that she hadn’t even  _considered_  that their relationship could turn into something romantic wasn’t a great comfort to Marisa. She looked away, the only way she could get away from Irina—with her scent all over the place and her voice loud and clear. “Forget it.”

She could almost hear Irina’s hesitation. “Okay, I… I’ll move my things. It… It looks really nice. Thank you for painting it for me.”

Marisa nodded more or less in the direction of her voice.

“If I wa—” Irina started to say.

But Marisa had no use for wistful maybes. “ _Don’t._ ” She lived in the real world, and she wasn’t going for a visit to fantasyland any time soon. She was a beta in her brother’s pack, and she would never have a child of her own, and the friend who she’d thought was turning into something else didn’t want her like that. These were facts, and facts had to be dealt with.

Irina didn’t seem able to handle the silence, and it apparently didn’t occur to her that there was an exit right behind her she could take. Instead of leaving, she asked, “Did you buy paint for the other rooms? I could do yours, or… Hugo is coming next week, right?”

“Two weeks,” Marisa replied curtly.

“Oh, well, you could tell me what you want me to get done.”

Marisa had to bite her tongue not to shout at her—she  _had_ told her what she wanted done. If Irina could just move her things into her new bedroom and leave her alone for five minutes… 

Maria whimpered at her feet and her attention was diverted. “Oh, you are hungry, aren’t you?” she asked her niece softly, rubbing her fingers through her soft blond hair. “Can you get the formula ready?” she asked Irina instead of answering.

& 

The space helped. They still saw each other often, of course. Even with rooms in what were technically different houses, they still spent most of their time in the main house, if not together, then crossing paths often. 

And then there was the beta wing. The night she’d moved her things, Irina had apparently stayed up half the night doing Marisa’s room for her—the accents were a little smudged because she hadn’t allowed the second layer of lavender to dry all the way, but it was still damned impressive. As well as completely pointless since the last thing Marisa wanted was to move there now, but she appreciated the sentiment behind it and it did help to see Irina struggling to find a way to make it up to her. It didn’t make Marisa’s own mistake less embarrassing, but it eased something in her to see the older woman didn’t have all the answers either.

Irina had apparently decided to atone by overworking herself until the whole place was ready for the other three betas. Marisa figured she’d let her do it, but even though there was plenty of time, after two days Irina had looked exhausted enough when she’d seen her at meals that she’d ended up going over to help after putting the babies to bed.

It was okay, they wore masks to help with the smell, and they were mostly too busy to talk even when they were working in the same room. Plus, it was hard to worry too much about things being awkward when she was completely knackered. By the end of the fourth day, Marisa was too desperate for tea to wash the chemical taste of paint from her mouth to give a damn about giving Irina a chance to talk to her.

“We’re two days ahead of schedule,” the other woman pointed out when they were done washing paint off their hands.

“So?” Marisa demanded. “You want to be behind schedule? There’s still the doors, and who knows what might distract Gabriel. Better give him the extra day.”

“Distract Gabriel?” Irina asked with exaggerated thoughtfulness. “I’m gonna guess Alec.”

“What?”

Irina stared at her, eyes bright and mouth on the cusp of a smirk her cup wasn’t quite hiding. “Wait, are you telling me you don’t know?”

Marisa looked down into her cup, then guessed without much hope of being right, “Are they still collecting data from the old pack?” she guessed.

She knew it was a bad guess, and Irina didn’t bother concealing her amusement, laughing so loudly Marisa couldn’t keep from looking. Her eyes clung helplessly to the smooth line of her throat for an endless instant before Irina managed to calm down enough to explain, and she had to look away. “Is that what they call it these days?”

Marisa stared at her, mind completely blank, until suddenly the pieces clicked together like a massive car crash. “What? No way! They—” She shut her mouth before she pointed out they were both alphas, which Iesu and Sergi had already disproven as an issue when it came to romance. But  _Alec and Gabriel?_  Gabriel would eat Alec for breakfast. If he could catch him, that was, because Alec would probably be too shy to attend breakfast if it meant having to confront Gabriel in any way.

“I know,” Irina said. “It sounds nuts, but… well, noses don’t lie.”

“Maybe it’s the paint fumes.”  _She_  hadn’t smelt a thing. They all made an effort not to pry, but…

Irina tsked. “Nope, saw them kissing the other day. And that was before I opened a single tin.”

“That’s…” She wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence, but Irina’s smirk couldn’t be ignored. “What?”

The other woman shrugged and offered, “Nothing, just remembering you like to watch pretty boys kissing.”

Marisa gaped at her like a dolt for way too long before she managed to laugh it off. “Oh, my god, are you never going to let that go?”

Irina shrugged. “Guess you could do something else embarrassing,” she said idly.

But whether she’d noticed her older cousin making moves on their doctor, Marisa wasn’t an idiot. Something else embarrassing. Unlike kissing her. Irina had admitted to the flirting and not mentioned the matter at her request, but here was her own forgiveness. The kindness made Marisa gulp. She didn’t want to be embarrassed, and she was certainly not ashamed, but a part of her… A part of her stung still. And maybe she couldn’t let it go as easily as Irina implied they could, but even if the silence was a lie of omission, it was still time and space for that lie to become real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onto other exciting news... I have uploaded the book to my website for sale and sent it to early reviewers :D Also, I'm 20k into "Not Destiny", which I've decided has to be a prequel to "Cracking Ice" since otherwise I'd give away the ending in CI :p


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter** **14: Irina**

She didn’t like the new house.

Well, no, that wasn’t true. The house was lovely, and it was all fresh and new—no babies had chewed or scratched anything, no fur or hair had blocked the drains in the bathtub. 

She didn’t like being there on her own.

It didn’t feel right to go to sleep without someone else’s breathing close by, for one thing. It wasn’t Marisa in particular that she missed, of course. It would have been crazy to get used to someone’s breathing in a little more than a month… But she’d always been able to hear her pack around her—both in Romania and in her aunt’s English house. Maybe it was a wolf thing: wanting the pack close to her, to feel protected and to know she’d be there to protect them if they needed it.

It wouldn’t be for long, and if it helped Marisa feel better about what had happened between them, it was the least she could do. Because there was no way this was anyone’s fault but her own.

Now that she knew the result, it didn’t take much to figure out the equation that had preceded it. She’d come out to Marisa early on—and for all her nerves, it’d probably seemed pretty casual to someone who’d never spoken of her own sexuality to anyone before—and then when she’d found out about Marisa, she’d… she’d indulged. That was the word for it; she’d indulged herself and flirted with the pretty girl who was safe because she was too young and too shy to be interested—too inconvenient to go through with it even if she did feel something.

She’d convinced herself so thoroughly that Marisa was both off-limits and safe, that she’d assumed  _Marisa_ knew it too. And of course, believing they were safe, she’d blindly let her friend stumble past a line that couldn’t be uncrossed, and now…

She shoved the thought away and turned on the bed again, burying her face in the sheets. It was a mistake. They smelt of lavender because Marisa was obsessed with it and left it in the drawers where they kept clean towels and bedclothes as well as under her own pillow.

It made something in Irina’s back unwind, even as her mind churned ahead with the recriminations.

 _She_ wasn’t a kid just discovering her sexuality. She shouldn’t have needed anyone to point out the situation could turn… difficult if she didn’t tread carefully. She’d mostly forgiven herself for Alisha—at least as much as she’d forgiven her ex for leaving her for an alpha woman—but she no longer had the excuse of inexperience.

Marisa was  _seventeen_. She was beautiful, and smart, and could run a household as efficiently as a person twice her age. Who wouldn’t want that? And if she presented omega… Irina’s chest hurt at the thought alone. Not that it mattered; even assuming Marisa really couldn’t get pregnant and that wouldn’t change even if she was an omega, she still had a lot of choices. Being open to dating men as well as women had to make the list of potential partners considerably longer, for one thing. Why shouldn’t she find herself a nice beta boyfriend? Or girlfriend. In their pack, heterosexuality would almost be an oddity, really, but Irina had no doubt anyone who made Marisa happy would get the pack’s approval. Someone young, or maybe a couple years older than Marisa herself—the girl did like to race ahead. Someone who’d pull her back a little when she tried to do too much, but admire her for her zeal, too. Someone who could see she was strong but needed to be reminded that she was human. Someone who loved her, really, it all came down to that: knowing someone wasn’t perfect but loving them anyway. No, not anyway,  _for_ their imperfections; being ready to protect their weak flank with your own strong side…

It would work out, and Irina would be happy for her. 

Just like she’d been happy for Sorina. It wasn’t that hard to accept there were some things you couldn’t have, but Alisha had taught her that having them and being forced to give them up was much harder.

Marisa had had the right idea preparing the room for her so she could move there early, and whatever Irina’s wolf felt, she wasn’t being punished by being separated from the pack. She might not have noticed Marisa was reading their relationship in a more romantic light than she’d intended, but she didn’t doubt the other beta was incapable of anything approaching cruelty. She must have been desperate for some space to lick her metaphorical wounds, and instead of simply asking Irina, she’d given her a hell of an incentive in the form a brand new bedroom.

She could just as easily have painted her own.

Starting on the other rooms was the least Irina could do now that she was close by and wouldn’t bother anyone coming back late to the main house.

And then, because the universe favoured the brave—or more likely because Marisa was a control freak and couldn’t stand the idea of anything being less than perfect—Marisa invited herself over to help.

It seemed completely against the spirit of the request for space, but it wasn’t like  _Irina_  wanted privacy. She’d been perfectly happy turning in bed and whispering the daily Romanian word into the darkness, laughing when Marisa butchered the pronunciation, getting laughed at when she realised she couldn’t find a translation that felt right. She hadn’t realised it before, but now it was hard to fall asleep without getting a sleepy complaint or an anecdote as a bedtime story.

Not that Marisa was up for conversation. She was as focused on her mission to get all the rooms painted and all the beds assembled as she was in everything else she put her mind to. But she was there, and supernatural strength or not, a woman needed a break for tea at some point, and it’d have been even more awkward to drink it without offering—Irina suspected the break in protocol might have been physically painful to an Englishwoman.

It was something. A start, really.

She’d take that much, even if Marisa wasn’t ready to accept a ride to the old pack yet, much less invite her to sit down on the bottom bunk to watch one of her crazy TV shows on her laptop. She missed that. The company. The contact.

It was normal; she was a tactile being and she only got to see most of the people who touched her casually once a week now. She still wasn’t reckless enough to imagine there was any way anything between them could work.

Once, she’d been young and stupid enough to fall for a pretty face and a shapely body. Now, she knew what really mattered was the steady presence of another person by her side, working with her and ready to help if she needed it.

She probably wouldn’t need the help, but she was mature enough to admit she needed to know it would be there if she did.

&

Gheorghe was doing a little better now that he was getting a little extra attention both at home and at school. Irina was particularly pleased that his grumbling had died down now that he’d seen the results of his efforts. Or maybe he was just resigned to it.

“What’s dyslexic?” he asked her once she’d given him the promised chocolate bar—he’d asked to try every flavour Cadbury made and she was doing her best not to buy repeats.

She startled. “Where…?” She stopped herself, but Gheorghe told her anyway.

“One of the teachers said it, she was talking about me to the new T.A.” He didn’t clarify whether the teacher had been in hearing range for a human, which told Irina all she needed to know. They all tried their best to teach the kids not to use their superior senses around humans, but what could you do if you overheard something? William’s insistence that they should pretend they hadn’t heard it had always stuck her as absurd at best, actively insane at worst.

“Dyslexic is… well, you know how people look different from each other?”

“Yeah…” Gheorghe looked dubious, but it could have been the caramel nuts bar.

“Well, brains are different too,” she said. She was relieved when her heart didn’t skip—it wasn’t like she didn’t believe it, she’d  _lived it_ , for one. But…

And then Gheorghe just said it, “Like smart brains and dumb brains?” He darted a look at her, his speeding pulse giving away his interest. 

“No,” she said at once, then paused. “I mean, that’s one of the things, but, like… some people are good at football, right? And you need coordination and speed for that, but other people are better at basketball because they are tall and that’s an advantage in basketball.” She checked his face, attentive like it always was but still a little blank. She sighed. “Like, my brain is not very good at explaining what I know, but I’m good at figuring out how things work, you know?”

He nodded. “Like when you fixed my bike!”

“Yeah.” She smiled at him. “So dyslexic is when someone has a brain that’s a bit special, it’s not as good as other people at stuff like writing, or some school stuff, but it’s better at other things. Like a trade-off.”

Gheorghe sucked on a last piece of chocolate with thoughtful deliberation. “That’s like the Sims.”

“Is it?” She had less than zero interest in video games and the Sims seemed especially bad; if you were going to play house, why not use dolls?

“Yeah, it’s, like, you have to choose how to use your points. If someone is super smart, then you don’t have enough points to make them super good at sports, or, like, cooking. So you can make them less smart and better at other things.”

She grinned at him. “Yes, exactly.”

“Only some people are smart and good at sports. Like, in real life,” he added. “Like Andrei.”

“Yeah, well, there are other things. Don’t tell him, but you are cuter,” she told him, leaning over and pinching his cheek.

“Auntie!” He jumped half a foot away, face twisting into an indignant grimace.

And Irina wasn’t too mature to laugh at him.

&

Having new betas around was bound to be a bit odd—werewolves were simply programmed to be territorial. It was also perfectly normal to like some people more than others, and Irina just happened to like Yousuf a little less than she liked Kaylee and Hugo.

There was nothing wrong with him; he was twenty years old and still a young guy: not much used to responsibilities and with a somewhat childish sense of humour. She couldn’t complain, really, he did all the work he was asked to do—and Marisa had set him to changing nappies on his first day in the new pack. And if he was bad at hiding his emotions, well, that just meant he was easy to read.

Marisa must have liked him because she’d set it up so he mostly worked with her while he learned how they did things. Irina was in charge of Kaylee, who had probably decided to come over to get a little peace and quiet, and seemed determined to speak as little as any situation allowed. It certainly suited Irina, who had no time to chat around when there was work to be done. Hugo was shadowing Ray, which had to be stressful, but they had apparently known each other fairly well from before.

All in all, they could call it a win. The only problem was how much time she suddenly had on her hands now that she mostly got home to find someone else had tidied up the kitchen and sorted out laundry. Hugo, who, as an adult beta, had apparently got more experience with laundry than the alphas, had got Marisa’s seal of approval to use the washing machine after he’d taught them to use a mesh bag to keep socks from getting lost.

It was good; of course, the whole point of a pack was that no one felt overwhelmed and overworked. Things would speed up again when Ray’s new baby was born, and the ones that would come after. Although it wouldn’t be as intense if he was able to have one child at a time, she had no doubt she’d be grateful for the extra pairs of hands sooner rather than later.

“Hey,” she told Kaylee as she entered the kitchenette. The other woman gave her a nod before going back to sipping her tea and reading her book. The place still smelled faintly of detergent, which was the strongest cleaning product werewolves could tolerate without masks. Irina walked past her without saying anything more—she didn’t get the appeal of books, but she and Kaylee were definitely on the same page when it came to silence.

She took a seat at the other side of the table, which could comfortably sit eight people. In reality, the kitchenette could only be called that if one compared it to the kitchen in the main house, where the whole pack could eat, or the dining room, where they could throw a proper party with their non-pack family members fairly comfortably.

Irina took a sip of her tea and closed her eyes for a moment, enjoying the perfect combination of warmth and flavour. She opened her eyes to see Yousuf staring at her. “That good?” he teased.

She rolled her eyes at him, not bothering with words. One didn’t grow up around two older brothers and a range of cousins without getting used to everything being made about sex.

Yousuf brought his own drink back to the table and took the seat next to her. “I meant to ask you… would you mind covering my shift tomorrow? Like, I could do yours on Wednesday. It’s just that my friends are going to see Black Panther and I wanted to go with.”

Irina drank again, giving herself a moment to think through her timetable. Wednesday was her only shift with Marisa—which she was taking both as proof that she hadn’t completely destroyed their friendship and as an opportunity to mend bridges. But she could hardly say that to Yousuf.

Yousuf signalled towards Kaylee. “She’s got work, and Hugo’s with me tomorrow, so… you’re the only one who’s free.” Except that wasn’t right because the only adult other than Ray who didn’t work outside the pack was Marisa. Ray was their first omega and wasn’t expected to and, at seventeen, Marisa would get paid very little for her efforts. Irina hadn’t memorized the new schedule, but surely one of them had to be available too?

She realised she was probably being paranoid. Yousuf was a guy who wanted to hang out with his mates, nothing more. She knew herself how hard it was to leave your old pack behind, and the last thing she wanted was to make him feel unsupported now that he’d come over. She got to her feet and walked over to the cupboard next to the fridge, opening it to check the printouts with all of their schedules.

“Not Wednesday,” she said finally. “Take my shift on Saturday.”

She didn’t particularly want Saturday free, but she did have a shift at the store and… it would make it less appealing to him. It wasn’t very mature, but, hell, why did he have to ask her to give up the only time Marisa was still willing to spend with her?

Yousuf made a sound before approaching her to look at the times himself. “Mm… That’s, damn, I—” He huffed. “Okay, deal.”

She raised an eyebrow at him, and he immediately raised his hands. “Thank you,” he said quickly. “I meant thank you, that’s very kind of you.”

Irina nodded, hoping he assumed her fast pulse was due to annoyance. She turned back to the table, already patting her pocket for her phone. She’d given Marisa a month already, and if she had to give up their weekly session of babysitting and Romanian cartoons, she was going to ask again. 

[Going to old pack Monday] she typed, then hesitated, trying to think of something inviting but not pushy. [Come if you want]

She took her cup and headed for her room, figuring she’d shower before dinner, but before she’d collected a change of clothes, her mobile pinged.

[Cool. What time?]

&

“I told Kaylee we—you could give her a ride.” Marisa turned around as soon as Irina opened the door to the kitchen.

“Um, yeah, I—of course,” she managed. She was mortified at how fast her heart was going all of a sudden. She wasn’t angry, just… disappointed? It was absurd, and she knew that, it wasn’t that she disliked Kaylee or that the woman was likely to interfere in their conversation.

It was a good thing, really. Marisa probably thought Kaylee needed to open up a little and figured a short ride with them would be a good place.

“Sorry I didn’t ask, I just—”

Irina raised a hand and forced herself to smile. “Don’t be silly, it’s fine. She’s a sweet girl, I don’t mind.”

Marisa’s own pulse was far from calm, but she kept her face neutral as she nodded. “Okay. I’m gonna get her…” she explained, already turning around.

Irina couldn’t blame her for wanting to get out; she certainly didn’t want to wait around herself. “Sure, I’ll be in the car.”

Kaylee thanked Irina for the ride, and then refused the co-pilot seat with a firm shake of her head. Irina pretended she didn’t see Marisa’s hesitation before she took her usual place on Irina’s left and asked their newest member who she was going to see.

“My parents and my brothers.”

“Brothers?” Irina checked, curious. “How many?”

“Seven,” Kaylee replied.

Irina whistled. “Wow! Seven? That’s pretty mystical of your parents…”

“Not really, they like kids and they wanted a girl, so they kept trying.”

Marisa twisted around in her seat. “Sounds like it’d have been pretty crazy with so many kids around. There’s six of us and it was already pretty nuts sometimes.”

Irina caught Kaylee shrugging in the rear-view mirror. “We get on, and I got my own room, so…”

“Now I’m jealous,” Marisa said with an exaggerated pout. Irina didn’t even need to look at her to tell. “I had to share with my little sister. I love her and all, but she is  _so_ messy.”

Irina snorted. “I’m surprised she’s still alive,” she commented, amused. She’d only lived with the woman for a couple months and she’d already acquired a healthy fear of leaving a mess anywhere she’d see it. Not that Marisa made a fuss about it—she guessed with five other kids in the house, she’d had to get used to it—but she wasn’t able to hide how much it irked her. 

She caught Marisa’s smile out of the corner of her eye. “Yeah, well, she’s eleven, so I think I got out just in time.”

“What about you?” Kaylee asked. Irina had almost forgotten she was there.

“Um, two older brothers. But, well, Sorina and I have always been pretty close, and we used to look after Codrin and Iesu when they were younger, and then… well, I moved here with them, so…”

“You got to put up with your brothers being teenagers and then you decided to go through it again with your cousins?” Kaylee asked in the same soft, even tone she always used. She sounded so serious that it took Irina a moment to realise she had to be teasing her.

She laughed, clutching at the wheel as she led them into the area near the edge of the territory where everyone whose forefathers hadn’t bothered with a driveway kept their cars. Her aunt’s house was a new addition, but Irina didn’t feel right parking there now that she’d left. It wasn’t like walking would be hardship. “Well, I wisened up before my nephews got to it!”

Kaylee stopped walking almost as soon as they hit the main road, turning to them both to announce, “I’m going right. If you give me a call, I can be back here in ten minutes.”

Irina blinked at her. “No rush, it’s a visit, not a mission.”

The other beta shrugged. “Thanks for the ride.”

Irina turned to Marisa, raising her eyebrows because she couldn’t speak without being overheard yet. Marisa smiled and shook her head a little, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Irina found her eyes drawn to her lips. She tore her gaze away, glancing around for something else to focus on. She’d managed to avoid thinking about that goddamned kiss for a  _month,_  and now…

“Thanks for offering,” Marisa told her abruptly.

Irina turned her way without thinking. “What?”

The other beta exhaled slowly. “Thanks for offering to give me a ride. It was nice,” she added, and her heart skipped. She knew it too; Irina could see it in the way she tensed up. It could have been a lie, but that seemed a little far-fetched after they’d spent the whole trip joking about siblings…

It didn’t matter. Marisa was  _trying_. She’d said yes to the ride and she was here now, thanking her for pushing things forward. She’d brought Kaylee along, sure, but she’d stayed behind with Irina too.

“Yeah,” she agreed. “No problem. I can play chauffer for you both. Gotta do my part for the environment.”

Marisa snorted. “Okay, guess that’s why you always make us walk to the house?”

Irina shrugged. “Not my house anymore,” she explained. Marisa had never asked before.

She made a noise, not seemingly satisfied with the explanation now. “So, you can’t park your car there? Like, did someone buy a new one that’s parked where yours used to be?”

“What? No, they have two cars and that’s plenty. Not like anyone really does anything on their own.”

Marisa made a noise but didn’t pursue it. “How’s Gheorghe doing with maths?” she asked, and the use of her nephew’s Romanian name made Irina smile. She hadn’t taught Marisa any words since…

“Better. They don’t know why he’s having trouble, but they’re trying different ways to teach him and that helps. At least he’s getting more practice.”

When she glanced at Marisa, she found her smiling softly. For a moment, their gazes held, then the younger beta turned away. “Give them my regards,” she said rather formally, then waved a hand over her own head and crossed the road.

Irina hadn’t even noticed they’d reached Marisa’s house.

&

Her aunt’s house was noisy even with all the doors and windows closed. It made Irina smile even as she braced herself for what it’d be like when the door opened.

She had to knock for them to notice she was there, but once they did, there was a stampede of tiny feet, and Andrei yanked the door open so abruptly he would have probably taken it off of its hinges if he’d been a couple years older.

Irina met his bright eyes for a second, light like his mother’s, before the boy stepped up to her and put his arms around her hips, pressing close like he was still a pup. Irina had barely had time to return the embrace when she had to make room for Gheorghe to join them. She laughed quietly. “Missed me, huh?” she teased.

She certainly had missed them. Even though she’d seen them both when she’d taken Gheorghe out to the café where they went to study together every Friday, it was still not the same as living together.

Once she was allowed past the doorway, Sorina gave her a long hug of her own, then the rest of her family took a turn. Even William mustered a smile as he pulled back.

Her aunt barely waited for visual contact to ask. “Are you hungry? I—”

“I need Irina for something,” Sorina announced with unexpected vigour.

Her mother shot her a look for the interruption but didn’t object, which only piqued Irina’s curiosity further. “What is it?”

“Come on, it’s in my room,” Sorina said, already walking away and fully expecting to be followed. It struck Irina as odd for a second, but then again, hadn’t she been following her outspoken little cousin around all their lives? What else should Sorina expect?

She forgot all about it when Sorina locked the door behind them and turned to her with a slightly too-fast pulse. “Is everything okay?”

Sorina gave a sharp nod, exhaling slowly. “Yeah, just… sit.”

Irina complied, propping herself on the chest of drawers because there were no chairs in the room. Sorina pulled on the bedcovers, which had been pretty neat already, and shifted the lamp on the bedside table. “Sor?” Irina prompted. “Just spit it out.”

Sorina stopped at once, standing still for a whole second before she interlaced her fingers together. “I’m pregnant.”

It took her an embarrassingly long moment to blurt out, “Oh.” She made an effort to recover, meeting Sorina’s eyes as she added, “Congratulations.”

“Girl.” Sorina rolled her eyes. “Are you excited.”

“What? No, I mean… I don’t know,  _you_  sound like you’re not very excited. That’s all. If it’s what you want—”

“It is,” Sorina said firmly. She pushed her hair out of her face with a gesture so familiar it was almost painful. She looked almost exactly the same as she had at sixteen, when… “But I knew you wouldn’t approve, so—”

“Whoa, stop,” Irina demanded. “Why wouldn’t I approve? It’s your life, if you want to have more children… I mean, I love Andrei and Gheorghe, why would I not want another nephew? Or niece. Maybe you’ll finally get a girl.”

She wasn’t wrong, of course, but Irina’s hang-ups weren’t her problem—and neither was her jealousy. And she wasn’t lying: she loved the children, and she wanted Sorina to have the life that made  _her_ happy. Irina was living her own life as she saw fit, that’s how it worked when you grew up, even if it meant you didn’t get to spend all your time with your best friend anymore.

Sorina was too smart not to know, of course, but what was the point on talking about feelings Irina couldn’t help and Sorina couldn’t understand? They were different people than they had been, too different to truly understand each other—or at least some parts of each other’s lives—but they loved each other enough to accept that barrier and support each other anyway.

“Maybe,” Sorina agreed. “If I do, she’s still wearing Andrei’s and Gheorghe’s clothes.” She made a face. “My mum wants to buy everything all over again.”

Irina laughed—that did sound like her aunt. “Hey, she’s a grandma; it’s her job to buy ridiculous things.”

Sorina shrugged, smiling a secret smile and cupped her belly with badly disguised anticipation. It was as far from the way Ray touched his own body as could be while being the same set of muscles and body parts, and yet it pushed the memory of finding their first omega staring into space to the forefront of her mind.

Sorina’s smile vanished and she shot to her feet. “What—what just happened? Your heart went…” She clamped a hand on Irina’s upper arm.

Irina shook her head and put her own hand on Sorina’s shoulder. “Just—” She hesitated. This was a secret. To speak of it to someone outside the pack… it could be nothing but a betrayal. But wasn’t abandoning Ray to a fate he couldn’t bear as much of one as speaking of it? And what about the child Ray would give birth to? Didn’t she owe it to them to help before it was too late? Seeing the joy on Sorina’s face and the despair on Ray’s made it much too clear that, whatever Ray’s intentions, his baby already had a strike before it’d even been born. 

She pushed Sorina back. “Sit down,” she demanded irritably when the other clung to her. “I’m telling you, okay? Just… sit down.”

Sorina was curious enough not to complain about being pushed away—her wolf had always reacted to distress by seeking physical contact from the pack, which Irina had learned to indulge long ago despite her own tendency to retreat. “This is a secret,” she explained. “The kind of secret… I don’t know if they’d ask me to leave the pack, but they could, and maybe they should.” She met Sorina’s eyes, saw the apprehension there and didn’t wait for reassurances. She didn’t need a promise of secrecy, if she had, then she would not have spoken at all. “Ray is pregnant, too.”

Sorina kept staring at her, clearly uncomprehending. “That’s… quick,” she commented after a second Irina hadn’t meant to let pass.

She had to look away to continue. “The baby is not… It was not fathered by his mates.”

Sorina’s gasp turned into a growl halfway out of her throat and Irina looked up to see her cousin’s fangs were peeking from her mouth. “The—” she started to say, only to realise it was hard to speak and force herself to breathe in and out.

“Yes,” Irina said. “It happened when he was taken.” 

Sorina’s fury seemed to leave her as fast as it had arrived, and she stepped back to plop down on the bed, bending forward to hide her face in her hands—she was still breathing too fast and suddenly Irina worried that… “They killed him, is that true?”

Irina watched her. Sorina had met Ray maybe once or twice—Irina would have bet they hadn’t even spoken to each other directly. “Yes, Ray killed him.”

“Good.” Sorina gave a shaky sigh, and Irina approached her and put a hand on her hair. Her cousin melted into her arms at once, burrowing her face into Irina’s forearm like she was a child.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t… I just—He is so unhappy…” she admitted. She jumped as Sorina pinched her. “Hey!”

Sorina glared up at her, pushing her back a step. “Are you serious? He’s  _unhappy_?”

Irina took another step away. “I’m not saying he doesn’t have a right! Just… I don’t know how to help. That’s why I’m telling you. I think… Do you think he wants to keep the baby?”

Sorina hesitated. “How long has it been?”

For a moment, she didn’t get the relevance of the question. “No,” she said instead of answering. “No, he—Alec offered. He said no.”

“Thank god,” Sorina mumbled, relaxing for just an instant before shooting to her feet and walking over to the window. She turned around at once. “That still doesn’t mean he wants to keep it. I mean, I can’t—”

Irina nodded. “I don’t know if… You think you can forget something like that? Or…”

Sorina was already shaking her head. “No, there’s no forgetting. I mean, I don’t… I don’t know myself, obviously, but… No.”

“So he’s going to look at this child and always…?” She couldn’t make herself finish the question, it hurt too much. She hadn’t spoken to Ray about it, but Iesu had spoken a bit too freely about it. He’d insisted on giving Ray a choice, but deep down he’d been sure Ray would choose to end the pregnancy. Irina had listened, assuming Iesu was trying to spare both Ray and his boyfriend from his doubts—her cousin always did expect the worst, and for something like this, his usual determination to enjoy the present did not help much.

Sorina was pacing again, gaze lowered and brain going a mile a minute. “I don’t know, I mean, people do it, don’t they? Raise a child born of rape, but…” She hesitated. “Look, I don’t want to cross any lines here but I’m not an idiot; it’s obvious Ray had a hard time with his presentation. And it happens, some people… Well, it doesn’t suit them as well. But if he was already struggling and now…” She shook her head. “I just don’t—”

“So, if someone else wanted to raise the child, you think Ray would go for it?”

Sorina stopped to stare at her. “Someone else? Do you mean you?”

“What? No,” she said, once again surprised by the direction of her cousin’s thoughts. “I mean Marisa.”

“Marisa?” Sorina echoed. “Isn’t she… young?”

“In years, maybe,” Irina admitted. “But she’s pretty much running the whole household, and she—” She cut herself off. “She might want to, I think. But only if it would help her brother. I think he’s always been the one taking care of her and their younger siblings, so…”

“How old is she?”

“Seventeen,” she answered, feeling like she was admitting something by it. It was ridiculous, of course… she’d said no, hadn’t she? She’d done the right thing, there was nothing—

Sorina probably didn’t even need to hear her heart skipping a beat to guess something was up. “Are you two…?” she started to ask, as uncertain as Irina had ever heard her.

She felt her face burning at the memory of that kiss. The same memory she’d had to push away from her thoughts so often already. She shook her head. “She is  _seventeen_ ,” she repeated.

“You are saying she’s ready to adopt a baby,” Sorina said gently. “Doesn’t sound like she can’t decide who to date.”

“I—” She huffed. “I don’t want to talk about this. I care about her, and Ray. And I want to help them if I can. That’s all.”

“Okay,” Sorina agreed easily. There was no judgement there, and she asked no more questions—just like Irina had asked—even though she must have had many. “Let’s go eat, there’s only so much I can get away with the excuse of giving my mum a new grandchild to spoil.”

It was an out, or at least a temporary reprieve; Irina would take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in romance there's six key moments (the order is not mandatory):  
> The lovers meet  
> The first moment of intimacy  
> A declaration of love  
> The lovers break up  
> The proof of love  
> The lovers reunite
> 
> Guess which one this is? :p


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More drama ;p

**Chapter 15: Marisa**

She had missed their trips back to the old pack; short as the journey was, she’d started looking forward to it as much as seeing her family. It was her own damn fault that she’d had to stop accepting Irina’s by then unspoken invitation, of course. But maybe Irina could take some of the blame for her making up excuses not to go the next time, if she hadn’t… But it didn’t matter. Marisa had kissed her, and Irina had tried to pretend it meant nothing, even when Marisa had told her it did, so angry she hadn’t considered how she was adding to her humiliation… It was all in the past; Irina had that much right, at least.  

Irina had offered again, and Marisa had taken her up on it.

Refusing was probably the smart thing to do, and smart was what Marisa did best. But for all that she was still a little angry, she could see Irina had been trying hard to make up for her misstep. She’d done more than her fair share of the work in the beta wing, then welcomed the other betas with a warmth Marisa knew didn’t come naturally to her. Not that she wasn’t warm, she just took time to get to know people. And most people, Marisa could see, didn’t really make the cut. It was almost funny to see how much Yousuf irritated her, although she’d made sure to keep the guy away from Irina as much as possible. She’d already rocked the boat enough when she’d kissed the other woman, the last thing she wanted was to give her another reason to be dissatisfied with her position in their pack.

It was  _their_ pack, and Irina would have never said Marisa owed her, but… she wanted to go with her. It was stupid to pretend otherwise. She didn’t have any better reason than that. She’d visited her family—catching a ride with the alphas here and there—but something was missing from the experience without Irina’s expressive eyebrows passing commentary when she told her about TJ’s latest shenanigans on the drive back.   

Enough was enough. It wasn’t like Marisa was some heartbroken romance heroine; she’d had a crush on a friend, and her friend hadn’t been interested. It was time to move on.

She hadn’t meant to invite Kaylee along, and she was honestly not sure how the two of them had ended up talking casually enough for it to happen in the first place. But once she had admitted Irina was giving her a ride, and knowing as she did that Kaylee’s shift at the local clinic had been cancelled because of an unexpected inspection… Well, it’d have been a proper snub not to.

Irina hadn’t managed to hide her surprise, but Marisa wasn’t going to assume it was anything  _but_ surprise. Irina had said no, and Marisa was taking her word for it—whatever it looked like. It wasn’t like Irina couldn’t be attracted to her and refuse to do anything about it anyway. She’d hoped Irina could see past her age, past the inexperience she’d revealed when she’d come out, past... past too much, obviously.

Maybe she was right to have said no, after all.

 

&

Sometimes you couldn’t do much to change the fucked up circumstances, but even then everyone had to eat and drink. At least they were lucky enough they could afford the treats and the comfort. It hadn’t always been the case for Marisa and Ray.

They’d never gone hungry—the pack wouldn’t have allowed it—but they’d grown up knowing money was short, learned not to ask for the newest toys or fancy clothes. They’d learned it and they’d  _taught it_ , and maybe that was the hardest part of all—not just to say no once or twice, but to explain to a child that there were certain things that others had that were out of your family’s reach.

Irina’s entrance turned several heads as the smell of hot chocolate wafted through the room, intense and creamy. She was about to get up to help when the other woman turned her way and offered her the first steaming cup. Marisa reached out to meet her halfway. It was the expensive chocolate Irina had bought herself, and Marisa might have to concede the fight and admit it was worth the price because just the smell was already making her mouth water. Irina’s fingers brushed her own, and she glanced up, almost fumbling the cup.

Iesu, blessedly oblivious, interrupted to whine at his cousin. “Why does she get the first drink?”

Irina snorted, already turning away to pour another cup. “She’s earned it,” she told Iesu firmly, and she meant it. “Also, you can get up and help any time.”

Marisa took a sip, trying to focus on that instead of the warmth the words alone brought up in her.

Iesu obeyed; perhaps inspired by the promise of chocolate, perhaps by the kick Josh had just delivered to his shin. For once, Marisa didn’t mind letting them take care of things—the babies were asleep on the rug across the room and unlikely to trip anyone carrying hot liquids, and Jenga was as chocolate-proof a game as could be.

Ray was sprawled against Josh’s side, looking more relaxed than she remembered seeing him in ages, and Josh almost missed Iesu offering him a cup because he was too distracted running his fingers through Ray’s hair. Marisa looked away, hiding her smile behind her cup. They were a bit ridiculous, especially when she’d sort of suspected something was going on between them for years with how co-dependent they were, and then it turned out they’d never even  _kissed_. 

She glanced around, hoping to catch even a glimpse of the impossible affair Irina insisted was very much possible, but all Gabriel and Alec were doing was taking turns taking wooden blocks out of the tower. They looked particularly focused, but then again, alphas were naturally competitive—even Alec had to have some ambition in him to have got as far as he had professionally.

As if to make up for their discretion, Iesu gave Yousuf the last cup—apparently, he wasn’t his favourite either—and went back to Sergi on the sofa, pushing in close and demanding, “Give me some.”

Sergi looked up and started to raise his mug but Iesu was already leaning even closer. He took a taste of his mouth with as much relish as he would have the drink, and Sergi, probably caught by surprise, pushed up into the kiss with equal eagerness.

Marisa looked away at once but met Irina’s eyes across the room. The other beta was smirking, but she also seemed too close to bursting out laughing to be properly smug. Marisa looked down at her drink, feeling herself flushing. She didn’t—well, she did find them hot, she couldn’t help that, but she hadn’t been trying to snoop because of that. They were her pack and she was curious, even if maybe she’d have looked away a little more quickly if it had been Ray kissing someone.

She only looked up when she felt the heat of another body by her side. Irina wasn’t smiling anymore, in fact, she seemed almost… nervous. It was hard to tell for sure with the pack around them—Iesu loudly arguing with Josh about something or other, Gabriel whispering intensely to someone else, the shifting of bodies and cups—but she thought Irina’s pulse was a little fast. “Can we talk?” she asked Marisa, tilting her head towards the door.

Marisa was so stunned, it took her a beat to nod. She only noticed she still had her mug when Irina opened the front door for her and turned back to invite her outside. “Oh, I—”

“Just bring it,” Irina told her gently, and Marisa didn’t dare argue.

She knew she was being ridiculous. There was no reason to be nervous, much less to expect… But it didn’t matter how irrational it was, hope refused to be crushed by something as basic as logic.

Irina guided them down the porch and started walking towards the river, barely checking Marisa was following. Not that she had any reason to assume Marisa would stop, but—

“What is it?” She hadn’t meant to ask, but once it was out she was glad. She took a gulp of her drink, trying to focus on the flavour and not the woman turning towards her.

“Guess this is far enough,” Irina said, looking around and making Marisa’s heart thump so loudly she barely heard the words. “Don’t worry, It’s… it’s nothing bad.”

Marisa shrugged a little, hunching over. It was already November and cold enough that even wolves were starting to feel it. She didn’t think she could speak without giving away her nerves, and Irina obviously had a plan here, so if she really wanted—

“This is kind of none of my business,” Irina started, and the statement was so at odds with what she’d expected to hear that Marisa looked her straight in the eye for the first time. “Just… hear me out?”

“Okay.”

“This is just an idea, okay? And if you don’t like it, I—well, please don’t think I’m judging you or… anything. I just think it could work out for everyone.”

“You are not making any sense,” Marisa told her honestly. She managed to keep the irritation out of her voice—mostly.

Irina snorted, shaking her head. “I know. Okay, so Ray’s unhappy with the pregnancy, for obvious reasons. And you—” She glanced at her. “You said you would have liked to have children. What if you could raise this child for him?”

She stared, waiting for more, then said, “I will, I mean—”

“Not as his beta,” Irina interrupted. “What if you adopted the child?”

She didn’t respond, mind churning with objections. It was  _Ray’s_ child; she couldn’t take that from him. He obviously wouldn’t want her to, he’d barely been able to trust her again with the five he already had, and this child, born out of the most violent act ever— _Was_ _that how he thought of it?_  She wondered. Sometimes she just thought of it as the new baby, but could Ray ever do that? Would it help when it had a face and a name? She hadn’t asked her brother about any of it, not after how she’d embarrassed herself when she’d found out he’d been raped, crying for him instead of offering comfort like he deserved.

“Marisa?” Irina said softly, hand brushing hers. “Are you okay?”

She jumped a little but didn’t pull back fast enough. Irina’s hand closed around her wrist, firm and grounding. “I can’t—It’s  _his_  baby.”

“Yes, and he decided to give it life, even after everything, even knowing how that life came to be. But do you think he will be able to look at it and not think about it?”

Marisa gulped hard, feeling like the hot chocolate was about to make its way out again, and forced herself to breathe through it. Irina didn’t step away, apparently unconcerned with such trivialities. “I don’t know if you want to, but—If I think about it, if—If it was me, I would want you to.”

She tugged at her hand and Irina let go. Marisa almost shoved the mug at her—if she hadn’t caught it, she’d have probably dropped it on the ground. But she couldn’t… If it had been  _her_ … She turned her body away from the other woman and tried to picture it, even for a minute. If Ray was strong enough to keep going after it had happened; she could at least try to imagine it.

She’d met Nicholas, and although Ray was bigger than her, he’d have had the disadvantage of Nicholas being an alpha… No, that wasn’t right. It wasn’t Ray’s status that had trapped him, at least not at the beginning. He’d willingly walked away with a man he knew was going to— She dry-heaved and had to put up a hand when she felt Irina try to approach her. He’d gone with Nicholas anyway, just because the coward had threatened his children to make him do what he wanted.

There didn’t seem to be any lower for a person to sink, and her brother had gritted his teeth and pushed through it. It seemed as impossible to her as shoving a knife through her own hand would have been. Except she’d have done the same thing.

She hoped she could have.

All that had been asked of her had been to wait in a room. And she hadn’t known what she was waiting for, but the moment the children had been in danger… It hadn’t mattered. There hadn’t been another choice but to protect them. If she’d been given the chance to throw herself in front of them instead…

She growled, so frustrated her nails were prickling her fisted hands.

“You are bleeding,” Irina said softly.

“Bleeding?!” she asked, turning around to glare at her. “You—you think I care about a little  _blood_?”

Irina looked tense, but not afraid. “Talk to me. I’m here,” she said, steady and unmoving.

“I didn’t  _stop it_ ,” she snapped, the words coming out of her like an unstoppable force. “I didn’t fucking stop that arsehole from taking Ray and—and now I should, what? Get to keep his baby?”

“There were  _five_  alphas in the room with you,” Irina shot back. “You  _couldn’t_  have stopped them, and if you’d tried, they might have hurt the babies to prove a point.”

She tried to scream but it dissolved into a sob halfway out of her throat. She turned away, body curling up as if she could shield herself from the words. “I should—” She started to cry harder, words breaking in her mouth, body shaking in place. 

Irina’s arm was around her and she let herself yield to the embrace, turning her body back towards the other woman to fit them together. “There was nothing you could do,” her friend promised as Marisa clung harder, her hands locking into Irina’s shirt like her body knew she’d fly to pieces without an anchor. “But you can help now.”

She didn’t respond, too busy trying to breathe through the terror and the guilt and the sheer, insurmountable pain. If it hurt her this much, she couldn’t understand how Ray could bear it all. Irina didn’t speak either, just held her close and warm, rubbing her back slowly and letting her own steady breathing become the beat by which time passed. If she closed her eyes, it was as if that was all that existed anymore: Irina’s breathing and heartbeat, the heat of her body, and the strength of her presence.

She couldn’t have said how long it had been when she realised she was sagging forward, so exhausted she was having trouble staying upright. Irina didn’t give any signs of tiring, just stood there and held her up like it was no issue. Suddenly, it seemed impossible to show such weakness in front of her. She stepped back slowly enough to give the other woman time to let her go, but maybe it’d been longer than she’d guessed because Irina seemed to have trouble loosening her grip. She didn’t quite let go of Marisa’s wrist, and Marisa allowed it—she deserved some comfort of her own if she wanted it. “Okay?”

She gave a shaky nod, using her other sleeve to clean her face a little—she’d probably just streaked her eyeliner around, which was perhaps a good reminder of why she rarely bothered. She opened her mouth but had to close it again. Her mind shied away from Irina’s last statement, and what she’d tried to picture… 

Irina interrupted her thoughts with a firm headshake and a squeeze. “You don’t have to decide anything now. I just… It could make things better, maybe. If you want to, and he wants to.”

She gulped hard, her mouth too dry. “Thank you,” she said, scratchy and pained. But she meant it. It wasn’t something anyone could possibly want to discuss—she’d never seen Irina so uncomfortable before—and she’d done it anyway because… because she thought it could help.

And maybe, she was right.  


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 16: Irina**

Irina didn’t understand Ray. Right after Gabriel’s parents had paid them what was possibly the most uncomfortable visit in the history of their pack, he’d announced he wanted to organize a party for them and all their families the following Sunday. Irina had never spoken to him before he’d presented **,** but she felt confident saying this was unlike him.

Still, it was probably a good sign after months of seclusion **,** first because of his pregnancy, then because of the attack. 

“Do you really think it’s enough meat?” Marisa asked. She was kneeling by the fridge in the beta wing and counting the packages again **—** for no reason other than to calm her nerves since it was packed so neatly it’d have been immediately evident if one of them had gone missing.

“Unless you have invited another twenty people, yeah,” Irina said, not trying too hard to hide her amusement. She wouldn’t have said things were back to normal, but she felt confident enough to go back to their usual dynamic as long as the conversation wasn’t too personal.

Marisa huffed and shot her a look. “So you’ll drive to the store and pick something up if we need it?”

“I would, but it’ll be closed,” she pointed out. “Closes at six on Sunday.”

“Ugh!” The other beta turned around and started rummaging through the cupboards. Irina started to wonder if she shouldn’t have reminded her.

“Okay, just **—** calm down,” Irina demanded. “I’ll buy some extra stuff and store it in my aunt’s freezer **.** Then we can pick it up if we need it, otherwise we’ll have it for the week’s meals.

Marisa was suddenly staring at her. For a moment, Irina couldn’t have predicted her reaction and then she broke into a smile deserving of a portrait. “You are a genius!”

“Hardly.” She turned away to glance at the schedule **.** Not because she had any plans or concerns, but Marisa didn’t need to know that. If she did know it, she was smart enough not to ask.

Irina had probably taught her that lesson well enough after she’d rejected her advances right after taking her out on what, on reflection, looked a lot like dates. But they were okay. Despite Kaylee’s addition to their visit to the Gosden Pack, Marisa seemed comfortable around her again.

It was fine, just a little stumble on the road **.** Nothing to really regret.

&

By the time people started arriving on Sunday, Marisa had recovered her usual confidence. It was well-justified; she seemed to have a backup plan for everything from food and drinks to insufficient chairs. Thankfully, the short notice meant that Gabriel’s parents had to miss the party **—** something about a temple Irina couldn’t quite parse among the loud chatting of her pack **—** so they just had to make sure none of the babies wandered off.

Irina was about to volunteer herself for the task when Marisa informed her, in no uncertain terms, that Ray had planned the football match for her benefit.

“What?”

Marisa opened the oven and expertly removed a tray of sausage rolls. “He said he promised you when you joined.”

“I’m pretty sure that was Iesu, and anyway **—** ”

“He’s grateful,” Marisa cut her off, meeting her eyes as she used a spatula to move the rolls onto plates. “And he should be.”

She shrugged, a little uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation. “Sure, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t get to play and **—** ”

Marisa’s face fell. “He can’t play,” she said gravely, and Irina realised why with a twist of guilt.

“Oh, I didn’t **—** ” She had never met anyone who was pregnant and might have wanted to play football. Sorina had played with them when they were kids **. Mostly because** if she hadn’t, she’d have had to take up stargazing since the rest of them had been fairly obsessed with it **. B** ut she’d stopped a long time before presenting omega and getting pregnant with Andrei. It wasn’t that surprising; Sorina liked winning more than she liked playing, and with her size disadvantage, she’d have needed a fair amount of talent to keep up.

“We’ll have another one,” Marisa told her gently. “In spring.”

She nodded. Because the baby would be born in winter. “Okay, so will you be okay on your own?”

“My mum’s here,” Marisa pointed out. “As well as most of their grandparents. Pretty sure I can survive without you for the length of a football match.”

Irina swallowed and only managed to keep her posture relaxed with an effort. “Sure,” she said, keeping back the response that immediately popped into her head. She didn’t understand why Marisa brought that out in her when she had already…She was beautiful and smart, Irina wasn’t denying it, but she  _had_ decided not to pursue her. So why did her brain keep getting stuck on flirtatious comments any time they spoke?

“I’ll take those out,” she decided and quickly retreated with the food before she said something she shouldn’t.

The sausage rolls didn’t make it to a table because as she walked out, she spotted Ray and Sorina, of all people, playing at the ping pong table. The moment she approached, the gaggle of children watching them eagerly surrounded her like the hungry wolves they were. They were well mannered enough to wait for her to offer, but eager enough they took the offer rather generously, and took more than a couple each.

“Okay! I give!” Ray called out, breathless with laughter, and she glanced up just in time to see his cousin catch the ball with a neat twist of her wrist.

“You sure?” she challenged. It had a different quality than a confrontation between alphas, but there was something charged in the air between them all the same.

Ray didn’t seem bothered when he raised his hands and inclined his head. “Pretty sure I want to keep use of my hand, yeah.”

Sorina laughed at that and turned to Irina like she’d known she was there all along. “You want a go?”

Irina raised her eyebrows, hoping to express her utter disbelief. “No, sorry, you’ll have to find some other fool to crush.”

Sorina pouted at that, but then she called Andrei and Anne over. She gave Anne her racket and gestured for Andrei to take Ray’s. “Here. You go for Team Girl Power.”

Anne seemed surprised but pleased enough to be chosen **,** even though Sorina had likely paired them up because the other three boys were noticeably younger. They were also still occupied with the plate Irina had ended up handing over to them in an attempt to avoid any spills, so she figured it worked out either way.

“Come on,” Sorina said, stepping closer and taking her arm. “Walk with me.”

Irina glanced first at Ray, who was now watching the kids play with what seemed excessive focus for the task, then to the field beyond where they’d set up posts for the match. 

Sorina tugged at her arm, following her gaze. “They’re playing after eating, obviously, these are werewolves, remember?”

Irina smiled at her, conceding the point.

“So… I want to meet Marisa,” her cousin said, and Irina almost tripped on plain grass.

“What?”

Sorina gave her an almost flirtatious shrug. “What’s the problem? She’s your friend, isn’t she? I’m curious.”

That was all well and good, but Sorina hadn’t been curious before Irina had been stupid enough to praise Marisa so highly as to make her suspicious. Even so, what reason could she give to refuse other than…? 

She could tell Sorina about the kiss, she figured. It wasn’t like Sorina had been upset about Marisa’s age when she’d asked, and Irina had refused anyway. But that didn’t sit right with her, somehow. If Marisa had made an honest mistake **—** one that Irina had inadvertently encouraged **—** then it wasn’t fair to expose her to someone she hadn’t even met. She’d already told Sorina way too much to consult her about the new baby.

And what was the harm in introducing them anyway? If it had been Iesu, she might have been slightly concerned about him implying something, but Sorina would be lovely and welcoming like she always was, and Marisa was the kind of girl anyone could bring home to impress their parents.

As a friend, of course. 

“I guess… Let me find her,” she asked, then closed her eyes and listened, focusing on Marisa’s familiar heartbeat to the exclusion of everything and everyone else. It took her only a moment to turn in the right direction. “This way.”

“That was… quick,” Sorina commented as she followed. Irina glanced at her, trying to figure out what she was thinking.

In the end, she ended up explaining anyway. “We shared a room for a while, just got used to her.”

The explanation didn’t seem to help make her point because Sorina’s mouth was already curving into a smug expression Irina knew all too well. “You two were sharing a room?” she asked with undisguised glee.

“Yes, I told you this ages ago,” Irina reminded her, circling around a group of four older wolves that had to be the alphas’ parents **.** Irina thought Josh’s and Alec’s, but she couldn’t quite keep track yet. In any case, it sounded like they got on just fine, and as a plus, they were keeping the babies busy.

“Mmm… Maybe you did,” Sorina agreed. Just then, they made it to where Marisa was piling up empty plates at one of the tables.

“Enjoying the party?” Irina asked, barely keeping herself from rolling her eyes. Of course Marisa couldn’t wait until later to tidy up.

Marisa turned around at once, swallowing what had to be a pretty catty response when she caught sight of Sorina. “Yeah,” she said instead. 

“Sorina,” Irina introduced, pointing. “And Marisa.”

Sorina took a step forward, and Marisa recovered enough to offer her hand and a smile. “Nice to meet you. Irina always talks about you.”

Her cousin was obviously pleased about that, but not enough not to respond in kind. “Does she? She never shuts up about you,” she told Marisa with total honesty.

Irina’s stomach twisted with nerves, and she concentrated on keeping her breathing and heartbeat steady. She couldn’t quite decide what would be worse: making up an excuse to walk away, or witnessing whatever was about to happen. But Marisa didn’t ask Sorina about it. “I saw you beating my brother at table tennis,” she commented.

Sorina seemed to forget her nefarious intentions in a fit of sport-related excitement. “Do you play?”

Marisa shrugged a little. “Some,” she offered, which Irina suspected meant she’d beaten half her pack at it.

“I used to love it in school,” Sorina shared. “Didn’t remember how fun it is.”

Marisa tilted her head to look past them. “Well, when the kids get bored of it, we can give it a go. Wouldn’t want our guests to get bored,” she added with a wink that was as obvious as it was charming.

“You don’t have to keep an eye on things?” Sorina checked, sounding a little more serious. “I don’t mind, really, there’s plenty of entertainment.”

“Nah, I’m fine,” Marisa replied. “And Irina’s here, so it’ll be fine.”

This was said without even a glance in her direction, but Irina was grateful to be spared even the casual scrutiny **—** the praise felt like a little much under the circumstances.

Sorina was already nodding her agreement. “Yeah, she’s a star, isn’t she?” She tugged at Irina’s arm, clinging close and giving her a smile that invited complicity. “We have been best friends since we were born, basically. I don’t know what I’d have done if she hadn’t come to England with me.”

Marisa seemed at a loss for an answer, so Irina spoke up, “Let your mum spoil your kids even more, probably.”

Sorina elbowed her just gently enough not to dislodge her own grip on her arm. “Like you don’t.”

“Ask Gheorghe,” Irina suggested. “He’s five years and a few hormones from telling me he hates me.”

“I thought he was getting better at maths?” Marisa asked. She seemed almost reluctant to interrupt, even though they had sought her out.

“Yeah, but he’s not exactly enthusiastic. Let’s say Cadbury is doing rather well in the name of mathematics,” Irina explained and was absurdly pleased when Marisa cracked a smile.

“Do you ever wonder how human parents deal with not being able to bribe their kids with sweets all the time?” Sorina asked them both distractedly. She was looking longingly towards the ping-pong table.

“Also, not growling,” Marisa added. “How do they even communicate with babies without that?”

Child-rearing turned out to be an ideal topic, and at some point, Sorina stumbled on a television show reference that got Marisa excited. All in all, Irina would have called it a success.

And then Marisa got called away to find a missing baby bottle **—** probably Sasha being fussy, since they had dozens **—** and Sorina turned to her with a smile that promised trouble. When she switched to Romanian, that was all the confirmation Irina needed. “Well, now I know why you are so nervous, at least.”

“Nervous?” Irina repeated, it wasn’t a lie, exactly, but her pulse had picked up anyway.

Sorina didn’t bother arguing the point. “She’s got a pretty obvious crush on you.”

“What?” she asked, since she couldn’t very well deny it without Sorina hearing her heart skip a beat.

“Were you too distracted to pay attention?” Sorina blinked her big blue eyes at her. “She was really tense when I hugged you.”

“Okay… and that means what, exactly? I mean, we were talking about your children, you can’t imagine she **—** ”

“She doesn’t need to think there’s something between us to be jealous of me touching you,” Sorina interrupted. “She only needs to want to do it herself.”

Irina was still staring at her when she heard her name called by a deep voice. She could have kissed Gabriel, who was, overall, her least favourite alpha. If she’d had any grounds to believe he’d meant to interrupt the awkward moment, she might have even thanked him for it. “Sorry,” she told Sorina with complete confidence her cousin could tell she was lying. "Football calls.”


	18. Chapter 18

#  Chapter 17: Marisa

For all that she was always prepared, Marisa hadn’t been planning on talking to Ray about Irina’s suggestion. It was a good idea, but it seemed so selfish. And then he brought it up to her, in a manner of speaking.

“I need to talk to mum,” he told her that afternoon, leaning against the kitchen counter while she made sandwiches. “Can’t keep putting it off, and—”

It was so obvious when she heard the profound resignation in his voice: just because it was something she wanted, that didn’t make it something Ray didn’t _need_. She knew he must have been thinking about the new child he was carrying. About what it would be like when that child was born, a real person who deserved everything but who would inevitably remind Ray of the worst day of his life, at least sometimes.

Marisa wanted a child of her own too badly to say she’d have given it up in the same circumstances, but that didn’t mean she was blind to Ray’s struggle. He’d gone as far as deciding he would give the baby a chance to exist **,** and it was costing him dearly **,** but he couldn’t commit to more.

Except he _would_. Marisa knew her big brother: he would accept the child of his rapist and raise it with all the love he could spare **. A** nd there would be love, but it wouldn’t take away the pain. Ray would do it anyway; he was incapable of giving anything less than everything for his family.

Everything including what he didn’t have, what he couldn’t afford to give.

“Ray…” She dropped the knife and stepped closer, pulling him to her to hold him close as he trembled, overcome by memories or desperation or both. And, because she was just as foolishly devoted as he was, she promised him the impossible **, “It’ll be okay.”** And then she let him go and said the words that could set him free, “I will take care of the baby for you.”

Ray blinked at her, leaning back a little further to watch her face. “Take—?” he started to ask, then her meaning must have become clear. “You want to… adopt her?”

“Her?” Marisa asked, too shocked to think past that. Ray was about two months along, not even showing yet, how could he know...? Not that the baby’s sex mattered one bit, except for how it made her seem so much more real. “I’m not trying to take her away,” she added in a hurry. “I mean, I always wanted kids, but... Just because I can’t have my own **—** ”

“Stop,” Ray asked before she could babble any further. She almost sagged when he added, “I’m not angry at you for offering. “I’m just… not sure. This would be forever, and you’re only seventeen, you can do anything you want with your life. Travel, get a job outside the house, or, I don’t know, anything.”

Anything. Except what she wanted. No, what she _was_. It was fine for a girl to want to heal the ill or travel to the stars, but somehow that had come to mean she couldn’t truly want this, to make a home, to take care of her people, to be there for them when they needed her most and when they just wanted her around. To love, not because her heart had been seized, but because she had decided to get up every morning and do it. Because she wanted to build this place that would be in no history books, with these people who’d chosen to build it with her, and for no greater purpose than to make each other happy.

It wasn’t supposed to be her first choice. But just because it wasn’t something that would change the world, it didn’t mean it couldn’t change _her_ world. It would change Ray’s, too. Maybe some people would not see that as enough, but Marisa was smart enough to see that the whole was made of pieces. If Ray’s artistic career ever took off, or Alec mapped out werewolf development, or one of the children did something great when they grew up… nobody would even think of her, but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t have done her part.

And if none of them did anything but quietly work towards becoming themselves and healing each other’s wounds… That wouldn’t mean they hadn’t done enough.

“Yes,” she told Ray. It was easy to be certain now. She’d never doubted herself. “And this is what I want. I mean, I’m happy being your beta and looking after your children. I don’t need more than that, and if you think you'll be okay looking after her yourself and it won’t mess with your head, then please pretend I didn’t say anything.”

“I have to think about it,” Ray said after a long pause.

She almost laughed, relief and nerves mixing in her throat. “Of course you do! We’re not going decide her life in five minutes! And you need to talk to mum, too. How do you even know it’s a girl?” she asked and then, unthinking, blurted out, “You are not even showing...”

She didn’t need to hear Ray’s heart jump and see his whole body go tense as a wire to know she’d fucked up. She backtracked as gracefully as she could, turning towards the counter and buttering another piece of bread.

Ray mumbled some sort of acknowledgement, but he didn’t tell her she was an arsehole, so she didn’t make it even more awkward by apologizing. She passed him the first sandwich instead.

 

&

 

She was still a little shaken when she found Irina on the sofa in their living room **—** right where the timetable said she would be. “I told Ray he could come with you instead of me.”

Irina glanced away from the television, something that looked like an animation from last century **.** She wondered if it was something Irina had watched as a child back in Romania.

“Um, okay.” Irina put Clara on her lap, making room for Marisa to sit. “Is he okay?”

“The baby is a girl,” she blurted out, staring at her niece.

“Oh, um, good,” Irina offered. “I mean… are _you_ okay?” she added, probably because Marisa looked like she was about to lose it.

“I **—** ” She held her own hands tightly on her lap. “I offered to adopt her.”

“Wow, that’s **…** ” Irina reached out for her hand, and Marisa just managed not to jump when she squeezed. “I’m proud of you.”

Marisa stared at their hands on her lap, heart seizing at the image. “Thanks... thanks for telling me.” She was both desperate for Irina to let go and tempted to turn her own hand and…

“No problem. Hope it works out.” Irina gave her a last squeeze, thumb lingering for a last soft swipe that made Marisa’s own hand twitch.

She stood up, glancing around the room to check on the rest of the babies, but mostly just desperate for a little distance. “You don’t mind taking Ray, then?”

“Of course not, just sorry you have to miss it,” she added, and Marisa couldn’t help herself, she turned to look at her. It didn’t mean what she wanted it to, of course it didn’t, but **—** Irina gave her a thoughtful look. “Do you know how to drive? I could **—** ”

“No,” she interrupted. She really couldn’t bear it if Irina kept being this sweet. “I mean, he needs to speak to my mum. In private. It’s fine.”

“Yeah, makes sense,” the other beta agreed a little cautiously.

Marisa had to get out of there before she blew it completely. “I have **—** Thank you,” she added once more. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

She didn’t wait for an answer.

 

&

 

Marisadidn’t dare ask Ray how the visit had gone, and even if Irina could have guessed anything from driving him around, it wouldn’t have felt right to pry. She already felt weird enough around the other woman; she didn’t need to add a new tension to their relationship. In any case, she’d go see her mum herself the next day **;** neither Ray nor she would make a decision of this magnitude without talking it over with her first.

Irina obviously didn’t agree because that night after dinner, there was a knock on her door she recognized.

“Hey.” Irina leaned against the doorway, long hair cascading down her shoulder, long limbs slightly bent in the perfect picture of relaxation. She probably had picked up whatever clothes were closest, but she could have been put in a catalogue without needing even a hint of make-up. “You never told me if you can drive.”

 

Marisa glanced her way just long enough to let Irinaknow she had her attention, then returned her gaze to the spreadsheet on her laptop. “Sort of? I got lessons from Josh, actually. But I don’t really like it, and it seemed... well, it wasn’t like we could afford multiple cars, and I don’t really need to go to town on my own.”

Irina conceded with a tilt of her head, and Marisa cursed herself when she realised she was tracking her from the corner of her eye. “It’s good to know, in these parts, but yeah, probably don’t need to. So, you want a ride tomorrow? I have a shift at two, so...”

She shook her head, almost regretting having babbled about the visit to Irina. “It’s fine, I want to shift. It’ll clear my head and... well, it’s a big decision and my mum will want to make sure I’m ready and everything.”

“You are,” Irina told her at once, smiling faintly.

Marisa lost the battle with her neck and turned to watch her. She hadn’t needed to be told, but it still made her heart thump to hear it. Ray had asked, and her mother would too. Anyone who heard she wanted to adopt a baby on her own at seventeen would have, but Irina... Irina didn’t _need_ to ask. In fact, she’d known before Marisa did. It was a bit too much to deal with from a person she already wanted enough to embarrass herself over.

She only realised she hadn’t responded when she heard Irina’s shoes scrape against the floor. “Okay. Just let me know if you need anything,” she said, and Marisa looked up to catch a nod before she turned away, closing the door as she went.

Marisa clung to the side of her desk and swallowed down the urge to call her back.

What was there left to say?

 

&

 

Running home had been a great idea as far as her wolf was concerned, but it did get a little awkward when she shifted back on the porch and realised somebody had moved the spare key from its usual spot.

She huffed. She bet it’d been TJ, drunk, or sleep deprived, or just careless. She loved her brother, but she did _not_ miss living with him. Thankfully, her mother had been waiting, and she got to the door before Marisa was forced to greet anyone else stark naked.

“Hello, sweetheart.” Her mum leaned closed to brush a kiss against her cheek even as she tugged one of the guest robes from the hanger and passed it over. Marisa put it on gratefully **;** it wasn’t like she hadn’t seen everyone in the pack naked at one point or another, but it was slightly weirder when the moon wasn’t scrambling their thoughts and it was just one of you all exposed. “You want to get dressed? I’ll put on the kettle.”

“No, I **—** ” She didn’t want to wait. She didn’t think she could.

Her mother stopped to look at her. “Okay, just tea then.”

Marisa followed her to the kitchen. “How’s everyone?”

“Good, good. Nothing major...” She stopped, vacillated, and then said, “Well, your sister got her period.”

She didn’t look at Marisa, occupying herself with cups and sugar and milk. Marisa was grateful for it **;** it didn’t change anything, of course. Anne was growing up. Becoming a woman, people called it. But Marisa had seen her sister a couple days back and she was no woman **. S** he was still a girl and she’d heard enough moaning about cramps to know she’d be no happier with her changing body than Marisa was with her unchanging one.

Bodies did whatever they wanted regardless of the person they were a part of. The trick was finding a way to be happy with what you were given.

And she thought she had **;** if Ray said yes...

Martha slid the cup towards her, steaming temptingly and with enough milk to cut the heavy brew. She met her mother’s light eyes across the table **—** for a second it occurred to her to wonder if her mother saw her father’s eyes when she looked at Marisa. Was she a constant reminder of the great love Martha had lost? She couldn’t have said one way or another; their mum spoke of their dad sometimes, boring stuff like what food he’d liked or what repairs he’d done to the house. Like he was just out working or on a visit and would be back sometime later, not like **—** Not like the world had ended with his death.

But then, she thought, it hadn’t, had it? The rest of them were still around.

She shook herself and took a fortifying sip of tea, then another as she put the words together. “Did Ray talk to you?”

Martha nodded, taking a sip of her own drink. “He wanted to know what I thought.”

“And?”

“And I want to know what _you_ think,” she said with a look that reminded Marisa her mother had raised six children, even if she and Ray had helped.

Even so, that was as much to her advantage as the opposite. After all, she’d born her mother’s questioning before **—** and most often seen TJ bear it **—** and she knew how handle it.

She’d come prepared.

“I think Ray probably won’t be very happy with the baby. Given where it came from.”

Her mum nodded for her to continue.

“And I think I could love her. I could give her what she needs, and... well, Ray will be there too. As much as he wants **…** as much as he can be. And I will be there when he can’t. I’ll always be there.” She had more to say but she saw her mother’s face soften. “Mum?”

“I’m not against it, I know you really want it, and Ray... he’ll love her anyway, but it won’t be easy. He deserves easy. After what he’s been through. After what I let him go through **.** ”

“Mum **—** ”

“No,” Martha interrupted, her pulse spiking. “I should have protected him better. That’s what a mother does, and I failed him.”

Marisa watched her, heart constricting in her chest. She couldn’t deny it; her mum would know she was lying. “You... you did your best,” she said instead. It was also true.

“My best wasn’t good enough,” her mum declared firmly, pained but not bitter. “And I will have to see the consequences of that for... I hope he can forgive me one day, but I don’t think I will forgive myself.”

Marisa reached out and took her hand, offering her warmth because she couldn’t think of what to say.

“It’s okay,” Martha told her, holding her hand back. “But you should think about that: how much power a mother has.”

“I won’t be alone,” Marisa said softly. “I won’t have to decide alone. If dad **—** "

“No.” She took her hand back and laced her fingers together, pressing hard enough Marisa could see her knuckles going white. “That’s no excuse. But yeah, it makes it easier. If you have Ray there to support you, and the rest of the pack...”

Marisa nodded. “I will. I mean, if he agrees, I don’t know what exactly he’ll agree to, but **—** ”

“What about finding a partner?”

“What?” Marisa’s brain couldn’t quite process the question.

Her mother didn’t relent, though. “Your brother will look after you, of course, but it isn’t the same, Marisa, to have someone all your own.”

That was a question she hadn’t prepared for. It wasn’t like she and her mother never spoke of romance and adjacent topics **, of course.** Marisa had got sex explained to her at thirteen, which TJ had only seemed able to bear with his face buried in his hands, but… she was a beta. Her mum knew she was a beta and would always be. She _could_ find someone, but it wasn’t _necessary_. “I **—** I don’t get why you’re talking about dating right now.”

“Because I’m your mother, and I know it’s hard for you to meet people. And having a child will make that harder. I want to make sure you know that.”

“I do,” Marisa offered. And she did know **—** except that at the same time, going to Ray’s pack had been like she’d always thought growing up would be. For the first time, she was surrounded by people who thought of her as an adult and treated her like an equal. Given, most of those people were his brother’s partners, but she liked most of them a lot more than she’d ever liked the kids she’d been stuck hanging out with all her life.

“Do you really? Because **—** ”

“Mum.” She exhaled slowly. “You know I have never… I’m not good at making friends, obviously. But I also never really liked anyone. I mean, I found them attractive, I wasn’t lying about Robert Sheehan or, well... I have thought people are pretty before, because they are. But I didn’t _like_ them. I couldn’t talk to them, and they couldn’t talk to me and it was… ugh.” She waved her hand around because there were indeed no words for the sheer awkward hell that had been spending time with her twin’s mates.

Her mother seemed to be waiting for more, but she spoke up when Marisa didn’t continue. “You can tell me anything, you know that.”

She did know that. Maybe she’d never trusted outsiders, but she’d never wondered if her family would stop loving her. Her mum said she’d failed Ray, and Marisa could admit she had, but it wasn’t a one-sided affair **—** she was never going to speak of it to anyone, but if Ray had just asked them before it was too late, she knew they would have found a way.

So she jumped, because she knew she’d be caught.

“I… I like Irina. Like, romantically.”

Martha stiffened in the chair in front of her, and when she glanced at her face, Marisa saw her accelerated heartbeat wasn’t a lie; she was perhaps even a little pale.

“Is it because she is a woman?” Her voice was embarrassingly thready, but she gritted her teeth and stood her ground. Maybe it was just surprise; of course her mum hadn’t guessed…

“What? No!” Her mother reached out and took hold of her hand. “Of course not. I mean, you can’t think that matters to me, with Ray **—** ”

“Ray’s an omega,” Marisa pointed out tightly. Everyone knew the rules didn’t apply to alphas and omegas.

Her mother didn’t respond to that, instead she asked, “Is this… is this how you have always felt?”

“Always? I only met her when she moved in **—** ”

“About women, Marisa,” her mother said a tad impatiently. “Have you always been a lesbian?”

The word felt like a screech in her head **—** it was nothing bad, naturally, but it didn’t feel _right_. It wasn’t true. Not for her. And yet, somehow, it seemed like the truth was more dangerous. But this was her _mother_ , who loved her no matter what. Maybe she’d be a little shocked, but… “Bisexual,” she said, not as firmly as she would have liked.

“Oh,” Martha said softly. Marisa flinched at the obvious relief in her voice. She was on her feet before she knew it. She didn’t hesitate, but her mother was closer to the door, and she couldn’t get to it before she was barring her way.

“Just _listen_ ,” her mum asked her, begged her almost. And Marisa was so stupidly weak **…** She’d always wanted to make them happy, to protect them from the world and their own fears. So, she listened. “It’s not because she’s a woman, although that’s not easy. But she’s also how much older than you? She’s older than her cousin **—** ”

“Now you care about _age_?” she demanded, suddenly so furious she felt her nails turning into claws. “What about _Ray’s_ age? Gabriel is almost ten years older than him! And we both know what that did to Ray, and **—** ” She stopped herself, biting at her own tongue before she really crossed a line. Her mother had already admitted her guilt when it came to her brother; Marisa had no right to accuse her of anything, to push where she knew there was weakness.

“And I regret it every day,” her mother said tightly. “But Ray… presenting makes things very hard, especially if you are a man. But _you_ have a choice, Marisa.”

Marisa stared at her. “A choice? You think love is a choice?”

“No, but what you do about it is.”

“Yeah,” Marisa agreed. “You can take it, or you can leave it. But don’t worry, she’s not offering me anything.”

Except that wasn’t true. Irina had offered her support, and companionship, and friendship. That wasn’t nothing, that was a lot. And what Marisa felt **…**

“Marisa, you **—** ”

“I can’t talk to you right now,” she interrupted. She threw the robe on the floor and shifted back into fur. To her relief, her mum took the hint and got out of her way.

 

&

 

It was better to be the wolf. The wolf knew pain, of course, but it couldn’t quite grasp the depth of the betrayal. The wolf was free and there was grass under its paws and the trees all around them. She found herself tracking a rabbit **—** they were the easiest thing to keep around for hunting and, unlike foxes or deer, no danger to anyone when they were in human form. The food helped, the tang of blood sending a shot of adrenaline and pleasure through the predator’s body. Afterwards, Marisa found herself running harder and faster, as if in a race with time itself.

But of course, even with the river between them that forced her to circle around to get back home, back home she got eventually.

She paused in front of the house **.** The materials of the beta wing unpainted on the outside still attached, like an odd afterthought to the main structure **. The main house** was painted a strangely rustic cream for a building that was mainly square. Home. This was home. Now more than ever.

She was still watching when the front door opened. She spotted her brother at once, and in this she agreed wholeheartedly with the wolf, she darted across the space. Ray saw her, and by the time she jumped the steps, he’d knelt to receive her. She threw herself right into him, forcing him to put a hand down to keep from overbalancing. It only took him a moment to put that hand around her body instead, fingers clutching at her fur and pulling her close.

He was speaking, but she didn’t understand the words. It was always harder as a wolf, and she was too upset to concentrate. She didn’t _want_ words **, not when** something in her was still stinging from the last she’d heard. Ray kept speaking, but as she relaxed against him, she only cared about his hands on her, rubbing her back and ears, holding her steady in a world that seemed to be shaking apart under her paws.

Eventually, the words started making sense again. It felt almost like she’d been asleep, even though she’d never even closed her eyes **;** the wolf wouldn’t allow it when she was so distressed. “…the blood out, you can’t blame me,” Ray was saying ,and Marisa pulled back and sat down on her haunches, watching him in confusion.

He kept a hand on her side but gave her a faint smile **—** silent praise she would recognize with any eyes. He glanced down at himself. “You got yourself a snack, didn’t you?” he asked, and she saw there were bloodstains on his shirt, because of course he’d be wearing a white shirt the one day she was careless enough not to lick herself clean after a meal. Ray rubbed her side again, then offered, “You feel up to clothes? Maybe a shower?”

She glanced away, towards the wilderness she’d come from **. T** he wolf would have gladly slept outside again, but that would have been running away. From Ray.

“Marisa?” he said softly, and she turned his way despite her doubts. “She called me. She knows…” He gritted his teeth, and she suddenly saw something other than tenderness in his face: anger. “She knows she fucked up.”

He didn’t say it but suddenly she remembered her suspicions about him **, that** he wasn’t an impartial observer, and if he knew… She growled a little in frustration, then stood up and shook off his grip, heading for the house. She couldn’t have been less in the mood for it, but they needed words for this **—** especially if their mother had been stupid enough to tell Ray the details of their conversation.

Had she apologized for hurting him in one breath and forgotten where all his weak spots were the next?

She heard the other betas around **.** Yousuf and Hugo were in the kitchenette—still doorless **—** but no one bothered her on her way to her bedroom. Once there, she put on the same clothes she’d been wearing before leaving simply because she’d left them out, then shoved her feet into sleepers **,** a luxury not living in the same house as the babies once again made possible **,** and was out of the room and headed to the main house before her thoughts had time to catch up with her.

Ray was in the living room when she emerged, looking tense but ready. “I asked them not to come in,” he told her.

Marisa shrugged, vacillated for a moment, then went for an armchair. She needed a little distance for this conversation **.** Otherwise she was either going to cry or... She inhaled, trying to let the scents of her pack centre her in the present. At least she didn’t have her phone on her.

“Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“She told you, then.”

“I think she thought I knew?” Ray offered with a grimace. “I didn’t, but I guess **—** ”

“I don’t care if you know,” Marisa cut him off. “Did she tell you what she _said_?”

“Yes, a lot of fucked up bullshit,” Ray replied, a little sharper. Marisa was glad to hear it; she didn’t want to be alone with this twisting feeling in her gut. “And you walked out, because you knew it was bullshit, and now _she_ knows because I told her.” He glanced away, frown softening slightly. “Pretty sure I swore. Fuck, I’m pretty sure I called her an idiot.”

Marisa tensed. She’d wanted to, sure, but it was their _mum_ , and Ray… Ray had had plenty more reasons to be angry at her for before, but it’d taken this to make him react.

No, not this. _Her_.

He’d not reacted when he’d been the victim, but he hadn’t been able to hold back when it came to her. He was watching her, and he misinterpreted her silence. “You know it’s bullshit, right?”

“Yes,” she agreed. “But I didn’t want you to hear it.” She looked down at her hands. “I mean, I **—** You never told me, but…” She stopped. He had never told her, and she wasn’t sure how things with Josh were going; was she meant to have noticed that they’d been going on dates? They touched each other in front of the whole pack a lot, but then again **…**

“Wait, what?”

She huffed. This was getting way too confusing, and her head already hurt enough. “Ray, I’m bisexual, and our mother just told me I should make my life easier and date men. And _then_ she called _you_ and told you about it, like… like it wouldn’t matter to you. Like you… like you aren’t.”

“Oh.” He blinked at her, apparently at a loss for words. He looked away before adding, “I am.” He said it quite simply, more like he was confirming a fact than talking about his identity.

She stared at him, not understanding his calm at all. “And it doesn’t… bother you?”

“I guess it would bother me more if I had a choice,” he said slowly and looked her way just in time to catch her flinch. “Hey!” He stood from where he’d been perched on the sofa’s arm. “Don’t, it’s not **—** It’s not your fault, okay? And I’m not…” The last thing she wanted was to be touched **;** she’d have much rather peeled off her own skin, humiliation so intense her face was flaming and her skin was crawling with self-disgust. “Marisa,” Ray said and put a soft hand on her exposed wrist. She held still for him. “I… I think I’m working things out, okay?” He squeezed, hard enough to get her attention but not to make her look. “Please look at me.” She exhaled, then did as he requested. She was trembling a little, but Ray didn’t point it out. “Sweetheart, I care because she hurt you. That’s all. It’s got nothing to do with me.”

She had to bite her tongue to hold the words back. _She made the easy choice for you, too._

It would have been another cruelty on top of so many done to him already. And she could see how it wasn’t the same, anyway: he could feel whatever he felt, of course, but he’d never act on his attraction to women. The choice was gone, and he was doing the best he could to make a new one out of the ones presented for him. Maybe Josh wasn’t what he’d have chosen if he’d chosen freely, but what purpose did it serve to think of that now? Or, maybe, given a little time, he’d have been brave enough to kiss the best friend who’d always been by his side.

She managed a small nod, but her voice was tremulous, “Okay.”

“Hey,” Ray tugged on her arm. “You wanna talk about girls with me?” he teased.

She couldn’t hold back her snort, and she caught the amusement echoed on his face. “And boys. Don’t forget boys. Are you… Are you really working things out? With Josh?” she risked adding.

Ray’s mouth curved further, a secret smile she’d never seen before. “It looks… good. So far,” he demurred. He didn’t do a very good job of concealing his pleasure, though; he was even blushing a little.

Marisa broke his grasp as she got to her feet and tugged him close for a hug. He stumbled a little before returning it, even as he pretended to wheeze at her tight grip. “You’ll crush the baby,” he said, and it was very clearly a joke, but she still loosened her grip.

He tsked at her, using the space to push her back by the shoulders and holding on. “You do realise that’s not a thing, right?”

Marisa rolled her eyes at him, then pinched him on the arm for frightening her. “There,” she told him when he jumped. “That should be safe.”

Ray looked like he was considering returning the favour, but in the end, he gave her a disappointed headshake that was a perfect imitation of their mother’s. “I’ll be the bigger person here. Let’s go to the kitchen. I need a cup of tea after all the drama.”

Ray let her make the tea, occupying himself with rummaging through the open biscuit packages until he found some digestives. “No caramel ones,” he announced sadly.

She went to the fridge and got the milk out, then opened the fruit drawer and got out a green Tupperware, popped the lid and placed it on the table in front of him.

“Have some faith,” she told him. She’d meant it as a joke, but maybe some of the seriousness of their previous conversation lingered in her voice because it came out strangely heavy.

It was clear Ray heard it, his expression freezing in place as he met her eyes. “I do,” he said, completely sincere.

She had to turn away to put the cups on the table, but it didn’t really give her enough time to compose herself.

Ray heaved a sigh. “You know I’m saying yes, right?”

She sat down only because she'd already ordered her legs to do it, and for a moment the chair felt unsteady. “What?”

“Yes, you should adopt her.”

“Seriously?” she asked and immediately regretted the phrasing. She sounded like a teenager, not like **—**

“I want you to,” Ray said, cutting off her thoughts. “I want to be in her life, too, but… I’m not sure how. Is that… Is that okay?”

She stared at him. “Ray, what are you talking about? She’s your child, I **—** ”

“No,” he said firmly. “That’s what I’m saying: she is not mine. Not… Okay, she is, and I can’t… I can’t cut that off. And she’ll be here, too, so there’s no point pretending I can. But if anything, she’s _ours_.”

“Ours,” Marisa repeated dumbly.

“Yeah, she’s yours, too. If…If you haven’t changed your mind.”

Marisa shook her head. “No, I’m sure.” She laughed, nervous and panicky and excited. “I’m so ridiculously sure, I can’t even tell you.”

“No need,” he assured her. “That’s why I’m saying yes. She deserves that. A hundred percent, no questions asked. And you deserve to have what you want.”

“Ray, I **—** ”

“If you thank me right now, I _will_ pinch you,” he warned her. “Secret caramel digestive stash or not.”

Marisa laughed, and then kept laughing. She thought she might be losing her mind. Or maybe she was getting the world handed to her, and she should laugh or the joy would drown her.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting 2 chapters, don't skip the previous one :)

#  Chapter 18: Irina

Irina didn’t mind driving Ray over **,** but she was mature enough to admit she did mind missing out on her time with Marisa.

As if he could read her mind, Ray turned to her. “So, do you and Marisa have, like, fights about music and stuff?”

Irina shot him a confused look. “We don’t really put music on. We talk, mostly.”

“I really lucked out with you two,” Ray said with a smile in his voice. “Not only are you brilliant with the babies and the house, you also get on with each other.”

“Well, Marisa’s easy to get on with,” Irina replied, pretending to pay attention to the road. She didn’t _think_ Marisa would have talked to Ray about… Well, there was nothing to talk about, really, was there? Irina had made sure of that.

“Yeah, but, like… I don’t think I could share a bedroom again,” he explained. “Then again, TJ was such a teenager…”

“Dirty socks and clothes everywhere?” she guessed.

Ray laughed. “Not the socks, not even TJ could put up with his own socks in the room, but yeah, he was messy and just didn’t care. Marisa and I used to moan about it because she shared with Anne, since she’s the only other girl, and well… I’m guessing she also takes after my dad or something.”

“So it was you, your mum, and Marisa against the forces of chaos?”

“Pretty much,” he agreed. “Welcome to the team, I guess.”

“You guess? You think I’m jumping ship after you organized me a football championship with barbecue included?”

She heard him swallow and darted a look his way since the road was quiet. “I promised, didn’t I?”

“It was implied,” she conceded. “Still, it was awesome, so thanks.”

“I would like to play again,” he said softly, a confession of sorts.

“You will,” she assured him. “I mean, Sorina was probably already pregnant when you got your arse handed to you at ping pong. As soon as fast balls stop being an issue, you can go right back to it.” She risked another glance. “I’m a good beta, so of course I’ll be at your beck and call if you need an extra pair of feet.”

That earned her a snort that reminded her way too much of his sister. “Yeah, you’re almost a martyr.”

“When do you want me to pick you up?” she asked as she stopped the car in front of his house.

He put his hand on the door handle but hesitated. “I’ll come find you,” he decided. “I **—** ” His eyes met hers a brief moment. She thought he might have wanted to say more but wasn’t sure how much she knew.

She was pretty sure she knew too much, so she offered him what she could. “Just fair warning, if you come after six, my aunt will make you stay for dinner.”

Ray gave her a grateful smile. “I’ll take that danger into account.”

 

&

 

The first thing she heard when she opened the car door **—** having given in and parked in her old space for Ray’s sake **—** was someone shouting her name.

Her brain had barely processed that the shouting was joyous and not alarmed when her youngest nephew jumped into her arms, crushing her torso as hard as an eight-year-old with super-strength could manage, which was fortunately not hard enough to break her ribs but felt like it couldn’t be that far off.

“Wow, what’s going on?” she asked the top of Gheorghe’s head.

He sprang back, grinning so widely he looked a bit manic. “I got an _A!_ ” he shouted, loud enough to make her wince and probably get the neighbours to come out to complain.

She didn’t give a fuck. She leaned forward and took him in her arms, turning in a circle so his legs would swing wide, and then again and again, getting dizzy and planting her feet wider as he screamed in delighted terror.

“Hey, I want a go!” Andrei called out in one of her passes. Trying to focus her eyes on him almost made her lose her balance, so she slowed down instead, hugging Gheorghe’s body close to her own until they came to a stop. She sank right to her knees with him, both woozy and laughing almost hysterically.

“Auntie?” Andrei pushed in his best angelical voice.

“You got an A?” Irina asked. It was a mistake because of course Andrei had got an A, but she was going to put it down to her brain being slightly scrambled. Gheorghe's impression wasn't a matter of perspective: Andrei had won a Science Fair barely a month back, and it was hardly an unusual occurrence for him to come first in his class tests.

“Okay, I’ll owe you one,” she told Andrei. It wasn’t just for her own sake; she wanted this to be Gheorghe’s moment, and the little boy didn’t need the reminder of his brother’s effortless academic success. “Now, I want to see this A of Gheorghe's.” She tugged at the boy’s hand, getting them both back to their feet, and met his eyes with a grin of her own. “See?” she demanded. “Didn’t I tell you we were going to get it into your head?”

“Boys!” came William’s voice from the doorway.

Irina picked Gheorghe up with a little tug, settling him on her hip like he was a toddler again. It was fine; she was more than tall enough, and it was a special occasion. William definitely noticed, but he didn’t object **—** maybe he was smart enough to figure this was not a battle worth fighting.

“Hello, William,” she said, switching to English for his sake. “Gheorghe just told me the good news.”

Much as she disliked him, the warmth of his smile when she mentioned his son’s success was entirely sincere. “Yes, we're very proud of him. And grateful for your help, of course.”

“It was fun,” she said, and Gheorghe tensed when he heard her heart skip. She laughed and held him tighter. “Okay, sorry, but you whined a _lot_. When you stopped, then it was fun. Made me remember stuff from when I was little.”

He was still giving her a slightly sceptical look, so Irina used her secret weapon. “You want me to tickle you until you believe me?”

“No!” Gheorghe said at once and immediately tried to squirm out of her hold. She let him go and turned to follow William into the house.

She barely made it past the door when Sorina was hugging her almost as hard as her child had minutes earlier, and she did have the strength to break Irina’s ribs. She’d always done that, held on too tight, hit too hard… Once, in primary school, she’d broken a boy’s hand when he’d made Codrin cry. She’d got away with it being an accident because the humans hadn’t been able to explain how an eleven-year-old girl had managed to break bones with her grip alone. The risk of discovery had only made her parents’ punishment all the worse, though, and Sorina had already felt pretty bad about really hurting someone.

“Come on,” she told Irina. “Say hi to everyone. I have to talk to you.”

There was no point resisting Sorina when she got like that, but she didn't manage to walk by the living room before her uncle stopped her to tell her the latest news from Romania. Their grandmother—hale and hearty at the tender age of a hundred and twenty—had apparently scared a group of kids half to death when they’d sneaked onto their property. Of all things, they’d wanted to steal _apples_.

Irina laughed. “They wanted to steal apples and got chased away by a wolf? Nobody’s gonna believe them!”

“Hopefully not,” her uncle agreed with a dubious look around. He was old enough to remember a time when discovery was a real danger they all had to deal with. And what did it say about humans that the only way they could be trusted not to destroy something was if they didn’t believe it existed in the first place?

“Sorry, dad,” Sorina said and put her arm or Irina’s elbow. “I need Irina to help me with something.”

This time, Irina’s brains caught up with her ears a little quicker. “What? Can’t we do it later?”

Sorina shot her an unimpressed look, and she sighed and gave in. It was just putting off the inevitable, after all.

She took her seat on the chest of drawers once again, crossing her arms and waiting in silence.

“Don’t look so dour,” Sorina said, sitting on the bed. “I just want to know what’s going on with you.”

“You already know that.”

“It’s just that I don’t get it; I heard you talk about Marisa and, well, you are _not_ subtle, Irina. And then I meet her and she’s all _I can rely on Irina for everything,_ and then can’t take her eyes off you?”

Irina folded with a sigh. "It’s true. She **—** She’s interested,” the admission cost her way too much for something that Sorina most definitely already knew.

“So? Are you interested?”

“I… I don’t think I can do it. I mean, you said it: she’s ready to adopt a kid, she can definitely choose who to date, but…”

“What?”

“I can’t promise her I’ll stay,” she spit out in the end.

“Stay? In Ray’s pack, you mean? Do you think you might want to come back?”

She looked up so she could glare at her cousin. “In _England_.”

Sorina’s shock could almost be smelled. “In England? You think you might go back to Romania? Are you crazy?”

“Crazy? Because I think I might want to go home?”

“ _Home?_ ” Sorina’s voice dripped disbelief. “Romania hasn’t been home in thirteen years, Irina. You haven’t even been back!”

“That’s _why_ I haven’t been back,” she bit out, angry enough it came out as a hiss.

Her cousin seemed too shocked by the revelation to speak, but she moved past it. “So, you can’t date because you might go back? What about that girl you were with when we got here…” She was frowning a little, gaze lost in the distance as she tried to remember.

Irina almost laughed, but she managed to swallow down the bitterness. It’d been ages ago, almost eight years, she realized. There was no reason Sorina had to remember Alisha’s name, or how badly things had ended up. “You don’t remember, do you? She left _me._ ”

“Sorry,” Sorina told her. “But you dated her, didn’t you? Why not give yourself another chance now?”

It was tempting. More than that, it would have been _easy_. She’d said no, but she knew she could take it back. Marisa wasn’t over her, and she wasn’t one to hold a grudge; if Irina explained… Hell, if Irina went up to her and _kissed her back…_ She shook herself and focused on Sorina, which was at least a distraction from the fantasy.

“I can’t,” she repeated. “It might seem… I can’t do that to someone else, not when I know what it feels like. I just… I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I went into this when I can’t **…** Just… please don’t ask me anymore about this.”

“Damn it, Irina.” Sorina got to her feet and stepped up to embrace her again. She was warm and smelled familiar, a comfort Irina could always count on. “Just think about it, okay? Happiness doesn’t come our way all that often that we can afford to run away from it when it does.”


	20. Chapter 20

#  Chapter 19: Marisa

Maybe it was the knowledge that she wouldn't be alone, maybe it was the fact that her bravery had paid off and Ray had said yes.

Maybe it was the fact, as incontrovertible as it was futile, that she loved Irina enough to see past the strength and resilience with which she faced life. Once you could tell how desperately afraid someone was, it was almost like seeing them in pain. A secret pain, a pain they didn’t allow themselves to think of, but all the more intense for being repressed and ignored.

Irina had already said she would not cut herself free. She didn’t believe she could, Marisa could see that, and once you’d lost hope… there truly was none.

It wasn’t hard to find Iesu, who was in the living room for his babysitting shift, but it was a little more complicated to get him alone. As soon as she did, he dropped the congenial act. “What is it?” he asked, not a hint of his usual bonhomie.

She gaped at him. She had thought she’d been pretty subtle asking Sergi to go get them coffee. “Irina,” she started, and he nodded his encouragement. “I want to get her a ticket to Romania.”

It was his turn to gape. “Wow, I **—** Seriously? Wait, did she agree to this?”

Marisa shook her head. “No, but it’s got to be like this; she won’t agree if I offer, but I think…”

“You think she wants to do it, and if you spend the money she might feel she has to use it?”

She nodded. “Basically.”

“I like it,” he commented with a faint smile. “Very devious.”

“Well, I need to know where to buy the ticket to,” she admitted. “I don’t actually know what region you guys are from.”

“Transylvania,” said a voice from behind them. It was fortunate it was Sergi who was holding the tray with the coffee cups because of both Iesu and Marisa jumped half a foot in the air.

“Hey!” Iesu complained. “That was a secret.”

Sergi put the cups down on the coffee table, casually growling at Mikey when he turned their way **—** they just needed a few seconds to get them in their hands before the babies’ curiosity got them all into hot water, literally. “You think she won’t research it when you tell her? The county is called Sălaj.”

Iesu took his coffee without saying thank you, but Marisa could hear the foreign intonation in the way Sergi said the word and she was guessing Iesu wasn’t really bothered. This was not to say she would refrain from vampire jokes **—** Ray would love it, for one. “Is that where I have to book the ticket for?”

“Ticket?” Sergi repeated. “You want to go to Romania?”

Iesu drank his espresso in one go, then put the cup down and tugged Sergi until he sat down in front of him, tucking himself in close and leaning forward to whisper in his ear. “She’s sending Irina home,” he explained.

Sergi tensed in his arms, then quickly took a sip of his own drink to avoid spilling anything. “Okay, what? Why?”

Marisa sighed, rubbing at her forehead. There was a reason she’d wanted to speak to Iesu alone. “She’s been here thirteen years and she’s never been back.”

“Oh, but you **—** ”

“Sergi,” Iesu said softly, stopping his lover. Sergi was already turning his head to look at him. Iesu added something that Marisa didn’t catch.

It wasn’t until Sergi had got to his feet and walked across the room to stand next to where the babies were playing on the floor that she realised the words hadn’t been in English at all.

“He’s got really good,” she commented. It was pointless, how could she even tell?

But Iesu nodded, smiling a little, so transparently proud it was almost too much to bear. “He’s a total nerd; he actually bought a grammar book.”

Marisa looked away, feeling absurdly uncomfortable. It wasn’t like _Ray_ had learned Romanian, was it? And Marisa had no reason to, really, so…

“Would you like to learn?” Iesu added. “You don’t need grammar books, I promise.”

“I know I could learn a little,” she explained. “Irina taught me some words. And, like, I was okay with French in school, and I was better with Spanish when they suddenly decided to teach us that instead, but… well, it’s all ‘how-are-you’ and ‘where-is-the-toilet’. The real thing…” She shook her head. “That seems impossible.”

“It’s not. And you’re missing out,” he wheedled. “She goes on these rants about English… They are full on, believe me.”

Marisa would have liked to see that; Irina was such a restrained creature, and yet it was clear there was a lot under the calm surface. “What about you tell me where to book her ticket to?”

“Is it a return?” he asked, all humour gone from both face and voice.

She met his eyes, it was the least she could do. “No. That’s for her to choose, isn’t it?”

Iesu gritted his teeth and looked away. No, not away **—** towards Sergi and the playing toddlers on the floor. It worked like a charm: softening his features and his posture, lowering his pulse back to normal. “I know you’re right, but she’s… she’s like my sister. I don’t want to lose her.”

“I **…** I care about her. A lot,” Marisa returned. She knew she’d messed up as soon as Iesu’s heart sped up again.

She was right: when she looked up, he was watching her face already. He didn’t need to speak, but that had never stopped Iesu before. “Oh, you _really_ want her to come back, don’t you?”  

Marisa nodded and held his gaze, knowing her face was red and her body was going into a panic at a danger she couldn’t stop or see, and that terrified her all the more for it. “Yes,” she admitted. “I really want her to come back.”

 

&

 

Confirming she wanted to buy the flight was perhaps one of the most stressful decisions she’d ever had to make, and she didn’t even get to feel relieved afterwards.

Now came the hard part.

Irina invited her in as soon as she knocked, dashing her hopes of delaying the inevitable confrontation a little longer. It was probably for the best not to get the chance to find out if werewolves could hyperventilate.

“Hey.” Irina was in the process of folding her laundry on top of her dresser, but she put down the shirt in her hands at once. “What’s wrong?”

Marisa felt a stab of guilt **—** of course Irina would assume… “It’s nothing like that,” she said quickly, looking away from the relief on Irina’s face like it was an intimacy she did not deserve.

“Come in,” Irina repeated. “So why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

It was stupid, but somehow, she had failed to prepare herself for Irina noticing how upset she was. So, she just told her the truth, “I… I did something, and I think… I think it’ll be good, but I’m a little worried.”

Irina pulled her desk chair around and gestured for her to take it. “Sit down. Then talk.”

Marisa let herself drop; it didn’t do much for the tension between her shoulder blades, but at least it meant she wasn’t looking anywhere near the other woman’s face. Then she remembered her plan and slipped her hand inside the front pocket of her hoodie, extracting the folded printout. “Here,” she said, extending her arm towards Irina, using the position of her bare feet as guidance.

She felt the tug on the paper and let go, listening to the sounds of it being unfolded as much as she could over her own racing pulse.

When Irina finally spoke, she sounded a little faint herself. “What… Marisa, is this…?”

“Yes.” This came out firmer, and she made herself look Irina in the face to push the point home. “It is, and you can’t return it, or change the passenger name.”

“But **—** ”

“You can change the date, though, I know you have holidays saved up, but I thought maybe a month wasn’t enough notice to give at Decathlon…” She trailed off when Irina’s pulse decided to join her own on the racetrack.

She fought the impulse to get up **—** it would only be more threatening **—** and watched as Irina stumbled backwards until she got to the wall. She glanced down at the paper again, disbelief etched into every line of her face. Marisa’s stomach felt like it wasn’t just twisted but strangling itself. At this point, she’d been hoping for the surprise to give room to some kind of positive emotion. Or anger. She could have understood anger. But Irina looked… hurt.

“You really want me to go that badly?” she asked, finally looking up to meet Marisa’s eyes. Her own were bright with unshed tears.

She jumped to her feet; she couldn’t stop herself. “Wh **—** No! I don’t want you to go! Like, I **—** I want you to _go_ and _come back_.”

“This is one-way,” Irina said gravely.

_Fuck_. She’d planned this so carefully and it’d never even crossed her mind that her gesture could be taken this way. “Okay, no, that is _not_ what this is about. So, first, this is me saying thank you, okay? I **—** You have changed my life, you **—** I can’t even say how much what you told me meant to me. Not… not just that you gave me the idea, but that you knew I was ready, that you could see that…” She swallowed and glanced away, out the window, towards freedom. And loneliness. She did not want to get out of this room, no matter how awkward things were right now. She returned her gaze to Irina, who looked a little steadier, at least. “Maybe I’m wrong about this, maybe you don’t really need this, but the way you spoke about being afraid to go back because maybe you wouldn’t be able to make yourself come back… That is fear speaking, not love. You are stuck; you love Sorina and Iesu, and I think you like being in our pack, but you can’t ever stop thinking about everything you gave up. And the more you don’t go, the more you believe that if you do, you’ll be trapped. But… you already _are_ , Irina. You are stuck here instead of there, how’s that better?”

“I… I don’t know,” Irina said, a whisper so faint their frantic heartbeats almost drowned it.

“I got you the ticket so you can go back to Romania and find out,” Marisa told her softly. “And then you will know. If you get there and you are happy and you are sure, then… then you can stay.” The words hurt to say, but Marisa wasn’t one to run away from pain. She forged on. “But you’ll be able to visit us, you’ll be free.”

Irina crumbled like she’d been shot, covering her face with her free hand even as a sob escaped her throat. Marisa couldn’t wait any longer, she shot forward and caught her as she curled forward, breathing ragged and shaking a little **—** like she was losing control. Like she was allowing herself to feel.

Marisa held her fast and steady, an arm around her waist and the other around her back, and found herself murmuring the same empty promises she used when one of her siblings got hurt. She couldn’t knit their skin back together, and she couldn’t fix Irina either **—** she’d done all she could. Now, it was up to Irina to fix herself, in whatever manner that needed to happen.

And if Marisa hoped for anything more... well, her actions still spoke louder than her thoughts. 


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 20: Irina**

After she’d calmed down enough to let Marisa go **—** and maybe she’d lingered a little longer than hysterics strictly required **—** she’d gone to hide in the shower. 

She regretted it almost as soon as she got in. She couldn’t quite wash away the fear thrumming through her like a live current, so intense it made her claws grow **,** the wolf inside her too afraid to understand her orders. Marisa was right, of course, this couldn’t be right. The only thing that should have terrified her this much was actually losing the people she loved, not being away from them for a while.

 _Marisa._  Oh, god, the balls on that girl.  _Woman_ , she corrected herself. Even in her own head, the disrespect implied by the word made her angry. Marisa was a woman, one smart enough to look at Irina and see through her bullshit, and strong enough to put herself out there again, after being rejected, to give Irina what she needed most.

It was going to hurt like hell to leave her behind, but it was still a comfort to think of her now. She managed to get all the shampoo out of her hair and turned off the shower without bothering with conditioner. She was trembling a little, and she wasn’t entirely sure it was from the cold, but she managed to wrap a towel around herself and another around her head to keep her hair from dripping all over the corridor.

Marisa wasn’t in the room anymore, but the door had been left open, and Irina spotted a steaming cup on her desk. Camomile. She swallowed and pushed the door closed behind her **—** she was not going to cry again in public. Not today, at least.

The tea was meant as a comfort **,** but it seemed her brain couldn’t quite process it as such because the sweetness of the gesture was suddenly overwhelming. She bypassed her desk and threw herself down on the bed, burying her face in the comforter in case she made any sounds.

She didn’t. Her muscles unwound like her strings had been cut, and she found herself strangely captivated by the calming scent of the drink. Maybe inhaling was enough because the next time she woke, the tea had gone cold.

She drank it anyway, then changed into her pyjamas and got under the covers.

She had a long trip ahead of her, and the next morning she had to call her boss and get permission to go. A month was plenty of notice, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to bear waiting that long. Once the decision was made, delaying seemed nothing short of torture.

&

Sorina took the news pretty hard. Maybe because of what Irina had said the last time they’d spoken of her going to Romania, maybe because she needed to control people she loved, and Irina had sprang the news with less than a week to go. 

Her boss, at least, hadn’t been an issue. Given, he’d assumed someone was ill and he’d taken Irina’s noncommittal request for privacy as confirmation. 

Not that Sorina had objected, really. After the initial shock, the general feeling in her aunt’s house was one of exhilaration. They might have given up on trying to convince Irina to visit her parents after the first couple of years, but they’d never changed their minds about it either. They were all happy for her. Her uncle had picked up the phone and called her parents to tell them at once, then forced Irina to talk to them when her mother was still too excited to keep her voice down.

“Yes,” Irina repeated for the fourth or fortieth time. “I’m coming home. I’m serious, I’ll be there Friday. Ah, yeah, that would be good,” she agreed when her brother spoke up to offer to pick her up from the airport.

She didn’t even know how she’d get to Newcastle to  _take_ the plane; never mind what she’d do when she got off it. 

“I’ll take you.” Iesu’s eyes bore into hers. For a moment she thought he’d read her mind **,** but of course, he could hear the call from a few feet away as well as if he’d had the phone to his ear.

She gave him a nod in thanks. “Mum, I need to go pack, but I’ll call you again later, okay?”

It was just chance, but reminding her mother of packing sent her into a tailspin because Irina’s room was now mostly filled with old suitcases, and five days wasn’t enough time to clean it. Her aunt accepted the phone back and immediately started calming down her sister **.** Irina didn’t see why she needed to do that by reminding her that Irina’s current house didn’t even have doors on all the rooms, but she was willing to take the out for now.

&

Iesu waited until they were on the A1 motorway to speak. She’d have suspected he was giving her a break after the pandemonium of her going away party, but she was pretty sure he just wanted to be sure she had nowhere to run.

“So, is she your girlfriend or what?”

Her heart jumped, naturally, but she didn’t look at him, and her voice was even when she answered, “No.”

Iesu was not so easily dissuaded. “Do you want her to be?”

This question was harder to put off. “I’m going away for at least a month, maybe **—** ”

“I don’t believe you.”

That made her look at him. “What?” 

“I don’t believe you’re not coming back,” he said, sparing her one of his easy smiles. “I’m glad you’re going, and I know  _you_ believe it, but there’s just no way.”

It was difficult to know what to say in the face of such presumption, so she turned to stare out the window **,** the world flying past her like it could truly disappear.

“Also, I totally noticed you changed the topic so you wouldn’t have to answer, but since it was a yes or no question, that pretty much tells me what I wanted to know anyway,” he continued.

Irina almost laughed. It was a trick kids used on each other, and something adults knew to avoid with other werewolves. But Iesu didn’t believe growing up meant giving up childish things and, in this case, she could forgive the rudeness. She sighed and ordered, futilely, and with a smile in her voice she couldn’t hide by looking away, “Taci din gură, Iesuvel.”

And he didn’t, of course.

&

Constantin looked the same as he always had since he’d filled out into his adult muscles, which was to say, impossibly huge and like he’d crush her if he hugged her. Irina threw her arms around his neck anyway. He held her back too hard, half-lifting her off her feet, but she got to keep all her internal organs where they belonged, so she still counted it as a win.

They were close, and he’d always been a bit clingy. In fact, he’d been the first to visit her in England, and he’d dragged Mihai with him the next summer with the pretext of working for a couple months and earning twice as much as they’d have back home. They could really use the money, of course, it’d been a long time since the pack had been able to live off the land, and Mihai had a lot of mouths to feed. 

She buried her face in his shirt, inhaling deeply. It was odd, but he smelled more like himself here, even with the warring scents of hundreds of sweaty passengers, their food, cleaning products strong enough to scour her nose, and her own lingering nausea. 

“I hate planes,” she confessed.

He chuckled. “Like I love them? It was high time  _you_ made the effort.”

“Whatever,” she replied and stepped back with an effort. He looked pleased but puzzled; normally he was the one who had trouble letting go. “You still have the same car?”

She couldn’t have said what type it was, but she remembered every crack on the plastic interior from their roughhousing and the stains on the seats from long trips when someone had got jostled while holding a drink. 

“You don’t remember? I used the money from last summer to upgrade,” he reminded her of this as gently as he’d reminded her of the name of provinces and chemical formulas **,** which was to say, with the clear implication that she could do better, and he expected her to make an effort to do so. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” she raised her hands and tilted her neck **—** a short-hand for ‘touché’ she’d picked up from the English wolves, she realised when her brother gave her a puzzled look. “It’s just **—** ” She stopped cold as she followed him outside into the sunlight. She didn’t know what it was, the scent or the colours or… “ _Fuck._ ” She breathed in, shivering even in her coat. 

Constantin put his arm around her shoulders. “Come on,” he directed. “You can’t freak out here, think about what you will do at the house if Romanian air gives you the vapours.”

She gulped, nodded, and followed him to the new car. She missed all his babbling about specs **—** likely for a second time **—** but it was red and big enough to fit him and the rest of their close family.

“How’s Mihai?” she checked.

“Bitching about you not letting us know you were coming with enough time.”

“ _I_ didn’t know before. I told him Marisa just got me the ticket as a surprise!”

Constantin let go to unlock the doors, meeting her eyes and shrugging. “Yeah, but that’s logic, and this is Mihai, so…”

Irina was tired, and she and Constantin liked their silences **,** or their nineties music, really **,** so it was with a start that she realised they were in Pria and pulling up to the house. 

She straightened, straining her eyes to see. She hadn’t realised she’d missed  _the building_. The land, any wolf could understand, but…

Her brother didn’t allow her to linger, getting her suitcase out and hurrying her along. “Get mum’s crying out of the way,” he said reasonably. “Then you can freak.”

But for all her drama while anticipating the visit, her mother didn’t cry. She just stepped past everyone in the room and enveloped Irina into a hug **.** Irina held her back, scenting her and the house at once. Her wolf was going crazy inside her, excited and confused all at the same time; it was the second time Irina had done this: untethered them from the world and then connected them again in a completely different place. This time wasn’t as bad as when she’d gone to England **, since** the wolf, of course, remembered its homeland, but it was still unnerving.

“You are too skinny,” Maria complained. “Who’s feeding you over there? I still don’t know why you left your aunt’s house to **—** ”

“Mum,” Irina cut her off as gently as possible. “Iesu needed me.”

Her mother couldn’t really object to that, and Irina helped her off by asking about food, even though she wasn’t exactly hungry **;** her brain kept losing track of the conversation when her wolf caught a new familiar but almost forgotten scent, and as she walked back to the living room, her eyes proved equally treacherous. It was like parts of her brain she didn’t remember existing were lighting up, sending endorphins rushing through with every recognized memento.

“Iri?” Constantin asked, and she felt his hand squeeze her shoulder. “You okay?” There was nothing teasing about the question now.

“Um, yeah, my wolf... this is a bit much,” she admitted.

“Have some food,” her father told her from across the table where he’d already taken a seat. “Something else to focus on.”

Irina agreed, although she could already smell the mici and knew taste was unlikely to be the exception to her trip down memory lane.

She was grateful when she heard a commotion at the front of the house and realised Mihai and his family had arrived. She thought she saw her mum brace herself as she got to her feet again to welcome them, but Irina didn’t have time to do more than turn around before her oldest niece was running across the room and straight into her arms.

Irina enveloped her in a hug, shocked once more by how much she’d grown. At fifteen, Judit was almost as tall as her. 

She was the only one of Mihai’s children who remembered Irina being part of the pack. Her alpha brother had got bonded to his mate at just twenty-one, and Judit had been born not too long after that when Irina herself was fifteen. She’d still been in school but the perfect age for babysitting by any standards **—**  particularly her mother’s.

Not that she hadn’t enjoyed looking after Judit, who was a complete sweetheart even when she was pissing on you, but it’d never felt like she had much of a choice in the matter. She wondered if Judit was stuck in the same place with her numerous younger siblings.

She looked up and met Mihai’s gaze across the room, both of them a little uncertain as they approached for a hug they couldn’t have avoided without their mother descending into hysterics.

Not that Irina didn’t want to hug her middle brother **;** Mihai and she didn’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, but they were still family.  

“You haven’t met Katrya yet,” he said as they let go. His wife stepped forward with the newest addition to their family **—** the baby was just a month old and swaddled in as many layers of pink as the weather could justify.

Irina offered the woman a smile. She’d always got on with his brother’s young bride, even as she suspected Anna had to know how uncomfortable Irina felt about her reproductive choices. She received Katrya into her arms, and her brother’s eleventh child gurgled happily **.** Irina had got so many hugs from her mother and Constantin that she probably already smelled like pack. “Hello, sweetheart,” she whispered as she cradled her close.

“Oh,” Anna exclaimed. “You should speak to her in English all the time!”

Irina glanced up in surprise. She hadn’t even noticed she’d done it. “I think you are better off putting the cartoons in English,” she told Anna. “That’s what we are doing with Iesu’s kids. Well, in Romanian, of course.”

Constantin stepped forward. “They weren’t speaking when I was there... how are they doing now?”

They let her talk about the quintuplets’ progress with syllables **—** Maria was still ahead and Clara a close second. The most promising sign so far was that they responded to Romanian as well as English, looking at whoever was speaking and sometimes offering unintelligible babble in return.

“Sounds like you are an expert,” her mother commented, putting an arm around her waist and leaning close to look at Katrya. “I’m sure Mihai could use your advice.”

“I can **—** ” She glanced at Mihai but addressed Anna; after all, child-rearing was women’s work. It had always been Anna who’d instructed her on what her children needed when she babysat. “Does your television connect with a computer? I could send you some links. The most important thing is doing it regularly, really.”

Anna gave her a warm smile in thanks, but her eyes slid down to Irina’s arms still holding her child. Irina stepped up to her and transferred Katrya back to her mother. The baby immediately snuggled close with a happy noise that might have announced she expected to be fed. On an impulse, Irina leaned back in and gave Anna a quick embrace. “You look good,” she told her sister-in-law when she stepped back, mostly to fill the silence. Not that it was untrue **;** if werewolves could suffer any ill effects from multiple pregnancies, it certainly didn’t show on Anna’s flawless skin and complexion.

“We should eat,” her mum announced, gently prodding her in the right direction. Irina tried not to resent the touch **;** her mum had missed her, that was all.

Except that her presence was apparently not enough, as it became clear when she leaned close to whisper to her about the issues Mihai and Anna were having with the two betas who helped them with their children. “You can’t trust people who aren’t family,” her mum concluded.

“I thought you were helping?” Irina asked casually.

“Of course I am! But there’s eleven of them now. Well, of course Judit helps too,” she added with a smile at her granddaughter across the new table **—** they’d probably had to get it to accommodate Mihai’s ever-growing family.

“What about Matheu?”

“Boys aren’t good with babies. Matheu studies hard, he’s a good boy.”

Irina thought of Ray, who’d practically raised his siblings alongside his mum when his father had died. He’d been exactly Matheu’s age, too. A decade ago, she wouldn’t have known why her mum’s statement bothered her, now she did. “If he’s smart, then he can figure out how to change diapers and give a bath.”

Her mother tensed up next to her, turning to watch her in shock. “That is not really for you to decide, is it?”

“No,” Irina admitted. “Just my opinion.”

“Irina,” her mother said gently. “All I’m saying is that there’s a place for you here **—** ”

“Mum,” Constantin called from three seats down. “Is there enough meat for seconds?”

The answer was yes, naturally, which Constantin had to know after a life of eating at their house **;** their mother would never allow food to be less than perfect on a special occasion, even if it meant some economizing during the week. He met her eyes for a second before he got up to serve himself and the children. She thought it might have been a warning, but she wasn’t going to find out. Not now, at least. She went back to her food, the meat as savoury as she remembered, the Balmoș melting in her mouth.

“This is amazing, mum,” she offered, leaning close and kissing her cheek.

You learned to take the chance when you didn’t get many, no matter how imperfect the people you loved were.

She’d forgotten about the hearth where they still burned wood, but Constantin must have had an ear out for it because they’d barely finished eating when he signalled for her to follow him outside. “Didn’t have time to bring wood in from the shed,” he explained.

“Thanks for the rescue.”

Something in her tone must have sounded off because he stopped and turned to meet her eyes, taking her by the arm. “You are not... You know what’s right for you; don’t let anyone make you forget that.”

She smiled, feeling so much older all of a sudden precisely because all he saw when he looked at her was his little sister. “Don’t worry; I got out, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but you have always been a sucker for babies, and Katrya’s seriously cute.”

She laughed, hitting him lightly on the opposite arm. “What about you? Are you... doing what’s right for you?”

He’d moved out of their parents’ place when he got his first real job, but she’d never known him to date anyone. Of course, back then she’d been too preoccupied with her own straying eyes to pay much attention to his.

He smiled. “Thought you’d never ask. Mihai did, you know.”

“Fine, are you in the rainbow club with me?” 

"No, I'm not gay, Iri,” he stopped. His heartbeat had been steady but now it increased its pace. Not a lie, but... worry? “I just **…** Is there a word for not wanting to have a family?"

"Not sure, confirmed bachelor has kinda been taken," she said thoughtfully, which was something to think about.... How many of those bachelors were actually bedding their buddies or their valets, and how many were just not interested? Or not interested in anything long-term **—** she wasn’t going to ask her brother for any more details about his sexuality than he’d offered.

He didn’t seem bothered by the lack of a label, shrugging and starting towards the shed. "Well, Mihai's determined to have enough kids for all of us, so I guess we can just enjoy it."

“At least no one is trying to make you babysit,” she countered.

He raised both hands in the air. “With these paws?” he asked in perfect imitation of their mother’s accent.

Irina shoved him hard enough to make him stumble, then ran for the cover of the shed like she was six again.

It was good to be home.

&

Irina thought she appreciated the advances of communication technology slightly more than most people **.** After all, for most of the year, it was the only way she had of talking to about half the people she loved in the world. Without it, she probably wouldn’t have been able to hack being cut off from her land and her family at all **,** even with Sorina and hers close by. Even so, someone needed to take Iesu’s phone away or she was going to murder him as soon as he was in strangling distance again.

[Marisa is sad so she is making everyone work extra hard on the house [Symbol]] read the latest text message. She’d blocked him on WhatsApp the previous day, but now she was stuck because she didn’t know how to block regular texts.

She huffed and typed an answer, knowing full well that silence would be met with a barrage of information. [What do you want]

[Call her]

[You want to die? I tell her you are spying on her, you are finished]

[She likes me, she wouldn’t kill me]

[She can make you clean toilets forever though]

[Just text her, say Merry Christmas]

Irina frowned at her phone. It was the 24th, which she thought meant the night before Christmas. She googled to double-check. Her pack had lost their faith a few generations back when the church had sided against them on a land dispute; there were some things a wolf couldn’t forgive and someone taking land from them was one. In England, Irina would have been checking they had enough of everything to get through the bank holiday, here she knew her mother had everything well in hand. Strangely, it wasn’t the relief it should have been to know she could relax.

Maybe there was a reason she’d needed someone to force her to take a holiday beyond her fear of getting stuck.

[You promise not to text until New Year?]

[After Christmas] Iesu replied.

[31] Irina texted back, and they spent the next few minutes negotiating it down to the 28th, which wasn’t great, but it still meant she’d sort of won the argument. [Deal :x] she sent, relishing how hard it would be for Iesu to let her have the last word.

She went on WhatsApp to find Marisa. Iesu insisted their phone plan covered texts in the European Union, but Irina didn’t trust his thriftiness, and neither would Marisa. She wasn’t going to be the one to rack up the bill and have to apologize **,** even if she could probably afford the ten pounds or so it could cost. 

[Hey, you all ready for bank holiday?]

The response came almost at once, but it wasn’t a big deal—she’d seen how fast Marisa could type. [Yup, just sent Gabriel shopping. Alec’s cooking for tomorrow]

[You do Christmas?]

She watched the words  _Marisa is typing…_ until the next message appeared.

[Yeah. Sort of? Like, no nativity scene or anything, just the tree and food and presents]

[Is Alec making brownies?] There was no point in asking, really, it was not like she’d be back in time to eat them. She hadn’t even  _looked_ at tickets.

[Ha-ha. Yeah, are you psychic?]

[Just hungry] she admitted. [I don’t want to go downstairs. My mum’s driving me crazy]

[[Symbol] Why?]

[She acts like I’m back for good. First she started telling me my brother (Mihai) needed a beta to help him

then she starts talking about painting my room… 

I don’t want to fight w her but…] 

[*hugs*] Irina’s heart stuttered in her chest. It was ridiculous, Marisa  _had_ hugged her. Hell, she’d held Irina as she  _cried_ **—** just like Irina had held her before. And it was just text-message language; she thought it was pretty common to virtually embrace strangers to express sympathy. But for a moment, the sense memory of Marisa holding her, the scent of her underlined by lavender… She opened her eyes and looked down at the phone.

[Don’t fight, just do whatever you want

Remember you are not a kid! :p] 

She laughed. She was right, dammit, and it was even crazier that she needed a seventeen-year-old to remind her of that.

[Thx. I remember.

Gotta sleep, new baby here, offered to babysit tomorrow]

[What’s her name?]

[Katrya]

[Oh, pretty! Is that Romanian? O.o]

[My sister-in-law is Ukrainian]

[V international family you got, huh?] Marisa teased. They’d never really texted much before, what with sharing a bedroom and then a house, but they’d spoken enough that she could tell.

[You think of a name?]

She knew Ray had let his alphas choose for his first litter, which was unusual for an omega and spoke more of Ray’s depression than his parenting choices. None of them had done too terribly, in her opinion, but she was pretty sure Marisa would do better.

[About 10? Maybe 12, Ray and me made a list, then we got to cross out the ones we hate]

Irina smiled. She could picture them arguing about it, warm and safe in the kitchen or maybe while they babysat in the living room where they would need to occasionally get up to pull something out of one of the babies’ mouths or keep another from climbing on something they shouldn’t. Whatever the baby was called, at least there would be only one of her.

[So she will have 10-12 names?]

[Ugh, no. But I can’t choose.

Here: Margot, Ainsley, Calliope] 

Well, one of those was easy, Irina thought. [Margot = Marisa, Maria, Martha etc]

[Oh, okay, yeah, then no]

She nixed another two names off the list, the rest she could live with.

[You killed all MY names, you know] Marisa complained when they were done.

Irina laughed. [Guess Ray has better taste]

[Taci den gera] was Marisa’s reply.

Irina bit her lip to keep from laughing again, then offered the correct spelling. [Taci din gură]

It made her think of Iesu, who’d pushed her to get in touch in the first place. Maybe he spoke a lot, but he also spoke some sense.

Marisa sent her an icon of a defiant smiley sticking out its tongue and Irina send her a moon with a sleeping hat. Then she put the phone down and rolled over in bed, closing her eyes even as her mind rushed ahead of her.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's baby times! Also Marisa-Ray time :)

**Chapter 21: Marisa**

Missing Irina wasn’t some tragic drama **;** Marisa had asked to be told when she landed, and Irina had indulged her. After that, she’d been quiet for a day or two and then on the third day Marisa had come back from giving the babies a bath with Yousuf and almost dropped her soaking wet shirt on top of her blinking phone.

Her heart leapt when she saw the name. It turned out to be a vague question about the holiday, but that was fine because once Marisa answered, it was like the flow of conversation had exploded. She dropped the shirt in a corner almost without noticing and lay down on her bed in her bra, curling up around the phone like she could actually see Irina through it.

It was only a couple of messages before Irina admitted her mother was pressuring her to stay in Romania. Marisa breathed through it and, as if Irina could tell she needed the reassurance, she revealed she wasn’t happy about the idea. It took Marisa a moment to think of how to offer comfort without making it too obvious where her own interests lay **—** not that Irina couldn’t guess. Hell, she’d told her straight up, hadn’t she? 

[Don’t fight, just do whatever you want. Remember you are not a kid! :p] 

She was particularly proud of that one, at once a reassurance that Irina could control her own life **—** which she could and  _should_ **—** and a reminder that Marisa cared enough to remember their conversations. Or was that too much? She’d never had her advances rejected before, but from her experience as the one doing the rejecting, she thought if someone said no, you basically pretended nothing had happened. You most definitely did not insist. As if to confirm her fears, Irina said she needed to go to sleep since she was babysitting her niece. 

_They already think she’s their beta_ , Marisa thought bitterly.

Asking for the baby’s name wasn’t a devious plot, she just **…** She didn’t want to leave things like that, feeling weirdly off and like she had maybe made Irina uncomfortable. Except it was probably in her head because Irina seemed to forget her bedtime at once and asked about the name for Ray’s baby instead. And she wasn’t just asking; she was interested. She also helpfully nixed three of Marisa’s choices but none of Ray’s.

But Marisa could forgive her that, and she figured the baby would probably appreciate it too. The baby… She really needed to pick a name. Ray and she had agreed to making the list together, but he’d asked that she made the final choice. Still, it wasn’t that odd to wait until the child was born to make the final decision, was it? She knew the quintuplets hadn’t had names until they’d been born, although she suspected Sergi had chosen a gender-neutral name ahead of time and she was willing to bet Alec had had a list longer than hers.

She wasn’t counting the days. Not until the birth, which was two months away; not until Irina’s return, which was even more uncertain. Right then, the only dates that mattered were the ones when they were having people over, and the ones when all the shops would be closed. 

At least she was smart enough to get off her arse and get things done while her mind insisted on going to the darkest places it could conceive. She got Yousuf and Hugo to help her set up the doors while Kaylee was deployed with babysitting, which suited her best because the babies were still mostly at the syllable stage. 

Alec had a theory that they were communicating with each other with the single syllable sounds they could all manage consistently **—** Marisa was just grateful they all got the word ‘no’ so she could stop growling at them to keep them in line. It was an essential step in their development because now that they actually understood the word, they would react to it no matter which adult was saying it.

But even if she kept herself busy, she still spent a lot of time with her brother. She knew she’d failed not to watch Ray too closely when he finally caught her at it. She apologized at once, feeling the mortification like a burn. At least they were alone in the kitchen, it was early afternoon on the twenty-seventh and everyone else was at work.

Ray tsked, shaking his head at her. “It had to start showing eventually.”

“Yeah, well,” she said into the teacup he’d just placed on the table for her. “I have seen pregnant people before. No reason to stare.”

“Give me your hand,” he asked instead of answering. He was still standing by her side, but he’d turned to face her **.** From this angle it was harder to see the swell of his belly, but she could feel the warmth of his body. She gave him her hand, trying not to care that it was trembling a little. “Ready?” he asked.

“You don’t have to **—** ” Ray put her palm against his middle and her breath caught. She could feel it now, and after a second her hearing tuned in and she leaned closer because she could actually hear... two heartbeats **:** Ray’s, a little fast, and another one, slower and calmer. “Alec’s been poking at me for weeks,” he told her very softly. “I’m used to it by now.” 

Marisa exhaled slowly, as if she could disturb the rhythm she half-heard, half-felt through the thin material of Ray’s shirt. Of course, she hadn’t seen his belly before, she realised, he’d been wearing gigantic hoodies to hide it. 

“Can you…” She glanced up, then slowly pulled her hand back. Ray let go and took a step back **—** he was tall enough he needed to if he wanted to look her in the face without causing her strain. “Can you feel her moving?” Marisa finally managed to get out.

Ray smiled. “You bet, I think she kicks more than any of the others. Maybe there’s a lot of room in there now or something.”

Marisa almost elbowed her cup clean off the table as she snorted out a laugh. “I don’t think that’s how wombs work.”

Ray shrugged and sat down in front of her, taking a sip of his own drink. “It’s not too bad, like this, I **—** ” He looked down at himself. “I think I can bear it. It’s not… five was a lot,” he concluded.

Marisa reached for him and he reached back, holding her hand on the table. “Well, that’s over,” she told him. “Which is good. Alec says those five have their own language, think they might try and take over given a little time.”

Ray gave a pointed look at the toys they’d left scattered all over the floor as they got the babies fed, changed, and ready for their nap, then raised an eyebrow at her. “You mean they haven’t already?”

&

Josh came to wake her the day Ray woke up in fur. “He’s managed to change back,” he explained as Marisa tried to shake the sleep off. She wasn’t sure what time it was; it was dark, but in January that meant little.

“Change back?” she echoed.

“Yeah,” Josh continued, he seemed completely awake but he was in boxer shorts and a shirt so frayed it could only be a pyjama, so maybe he was just running on adrenaline. “I think he didn’t know he could last time, but apparently the wolf was okay with it. Anyway, he wants to talk to you.” He met her eyes. “He’s been putting it off.”

“We did talk,” she said weakly, pulling up her cardigan to cover her neck. England in January was also freezing, especially if you’d been dragged from your warm, cosy bed.

Josh gave her a dubious look but didn’t argue. It didn’t matter anyway because they were in Ray’s bedroom already. Ray was sitting on the bed, breathing heavily in an out and she was by his side before she knew she’d moved. “What’s wrong?”

Her brother shook his head, then licked his lips and looked at her. “Wolf is… pulling. Wants me to transform.”

“Isn’t it too early?” she asked. “I thought Alec said **—** ”

“She’s been kicking me a lot these last couple of days,” Ray admitted, then shook his head again. “Alec **…** We’ll tell Alec, but I wanted to tell you.”

“Okay,” she said as quickly as she could manage. He was sweating, and the heavy breathing had turned into outright panting now that he was speaking **—** the last thing she wanted was to cut him off.

“You should take her.” Marisa stared at him. “When…” He looked down in what could have been either embarrassment or pain. “When she’s born, you should take her, pick her up.”

“But the wolf **—** ”

“She won’t know,” he explained, and she was shocked enough to hear him talking about himself in the feminine that she didn’t ask any of the million questions clouding her mind. “It’s… I think it’ll be okay, and Alec and Josh will be there. So you pick her up and take her out of my sight.”

“Ray, it doesn’t **—** ” He reached out and took her arm, holding too tight.

“I want her to have a bond with you,” he said with effort. “I should… I should have told you earlier, but I was scared. But… they always want me first.” His eyes went past her towards where his children slept **.** It didn’t matter how old they were, he’d always be able to find them. “And if I can’t be there, then it shouldn’t be me. She **…** She should have you. You’ll be there.” He bent over, gasping and clutching at her, and she reached out with her free hand to hold him steady.

She didn’t feel so steady herself. It was what they’d agreed, of course, but she hadn’t known there was any magic to it, or biology **—** she didn’t think even Alec could have said where the line was. This seemed… cruel. A pup would instinctively want its mother, know her… their scent.

“Marisa?” Josh was standing close to them, watching Ray like his pain was tearing him apart. “Tell him yes,” he demanded.

She startled, but of course her stubborn brother would insist on an agreement. “You are an arsehole,” she told him angrily. “But I’ll do it. Let go.”

He exhaled and his clothes started ripping; Marisa jumped out of the way as he fell forward onto the floor, fully transformed but still fairly shaky. Josh lost his battle with restraint right then and fell to his knees, arms around Ray to help support his weight, then started helping him out of the remains of his shirt and underwear. 

“Get Alec,” he asked her, barely turning his face enough to make his speech intelligible.

Alec wasn’t worried about the transformation; he’d been unprepared for the first birthing but now **,** having communicated with omegas from both their old pack and others **,** he had a good enough grasp of things that he was even willing to give assurances.

“It doesn’t mean he will go into labour right away,” he told Marisa when they got back to Ray’s room. Gabriel had come with, but he was just standing in a corner, perfectly silent and docile. “Pups are easier to birth than humans, but they still need to find the right position, and maybe Ray hasn’t been changing enough lately, that seems to be an issue with male omegas in particular.”

“He hasn’t,” Josh offered. “Ray **…** ” He swallowed the rest of the words and waved it away when they turned to look at him. Marisa was curious, but she was grateful too **—** Ray deserved to keep the few secrets he was allowed.

Alec turned back to the wolf and rubbed its face and ears, earning a low rumble from Ray. “You feel okay?”

In response, Ray licked his face, making Alec squirm and Marisa smile. She remembered Ray transforming and licking Glen’s tears until the little boy hadn’t been able to keep from giggling. All his discomfort seemed to have vanished with the shift. Alec got up, cleaning his face with his sleeve and not quite managing to hide his grimace. “Okay, Marisa, you go back to bed, you’re **—** ”

“I’ll be there,” she stopped him.

“When…?” Apparently, Ray hadn’t seen fit to tell his mate the news either.

“He wants me to take her right away,” she explained. Her voice was even, but her chest hurt a little. “Said it would help her bond with me.”

Alec looked thoughtful. He glanced at Ray, who’d curled up on the floor by the bed, half on Josh’s lap, and seemed ready to go to sleep with his lover’s fingers carding through his fur. “I’m not sure that would sever the bond they have,” he explained, meeting Marisa’s eyes.

“Could he just want Marisa to have her own bond with the baby?” Gabriel asked from the back.

“I said I would do it.” Marisa met Gabriel’s eyes, unflinching despite the alpha’s strong presence.

Gabriel raised his palms and tilted his head to slightly expose his neck. “He’s the boss,” he said gently. “You can still go to sleep. Alec and I are going to check nothing’s crawled into the den. We cleared it out the other day.”

Marisa considered for a moment, but Ray was taken care of and she’d never even seen the den, let alone know what it should look like. “Shouldn’t you wait until morning?”

Gabriel shook his head, then smirked. “It’s the twenty-first century, little one, we have torches.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “It’s not size that counts, haven’t you heard?” she asked him mildly as she opened the door.

She could still hear Alec laughing when she made it back to her room and started double-checking her supplies. 

& 

She’d gone back to bed and even slept, and then she’d woken up in the morning to look after the babies and stayed on when it would have been Ray’s turn to take over. Josh had come to tell her he wanted to use his credit card to buy the sensors **because** he wanted them set up on a perimeter around the houses before Ray went into the den again **. Marisa had**  agreed it was as good a time as any; she could see he needed it and he was right, he could pay for it himself without any need to dip into the common fund.

“We’ll sort out how to pay you back,” she’d warned him, and he’d waved her off.

“I couldn’t care less. Can I have Hugo freed up for two days so he can do it?”

She checked the timetable. “He’s going to have to take time off work this Saturday,” she informed him.

“It’s fine, I’ll pay for whatever wages he loses.”

“Josh,” she reprimanded. “Don’t be an idiot. Just ask Hugo if he can. I’ll cover his shift on Friday, so you only need to get the sensors and whatever you’re putting them on.”

Josh gave her a smile. “Thanks, you’re a star.”

She shrugged it off. “I don’t actually run the pack, you realise, right? You’ll be Ray’s First Alpha soon enough.”

Josh actually rolled his eyes at her for that. “Sure, and I’ll get the alpha wolf to buy food, shall I? It’ll also make sure we have clean clothes and there’s always someone ready to come running if we need help.”

“I’m organizing the resources, but they aren’t mine,” she told him slowly. It was nice to be appreciated, but there such a thing as going too far.

“That’s  _why_  I’m thanking you, because you’re organizing them,” Josh told her, more serious now. “So I actually know that I can use the credit card, and that it won’t mean we can’t buy something we need because you made a budget for essentials and you make sure everyone sticks to it.”

She couldn’t deny that, because it was true, but she hadn’t realised it would mean more freedom for the alphas and the other betas **—** it’d always felt like she was holding them back. For their own good, sure, but still holding them back. Josh placed a hand on her upper arm and squeezed gently, then, once she was looking, he pulled her close for a hug. “I gotta go buy the sensors in the city, but next Pack Meeting, you are getting a salary raise whether you like it or not,” he warned her.

Marisa was too shocked to say anything **—** not because of the salary, which everyone had argued for before and she’d ended up accepting to get them to shut up, but because of the hug. It was normal, of course, for packmates to embrace, but it was the first time Josh had held her since she’d been a little girl who liked to curl on the sofa with him and watch cartoons while Ray was making dinner and they all waited for her mum to come home. 

Somehow, she’d forgotten they’d been family all along.

&

 

Marisa held out as long as she could, but in the end, she was not going to be able to hold out forever and the first rule of control was to know when to let out some steam before it all blew up in your face.

It was better to tell Irina than to tell anyone who loved Ray, wasn’t it? She considered TJ, but mature as he’d been about her coming out to him, she wasn’t sure he had any type of life experience that would let him support her through this. And she didn’t want to call her mother. She’d got the apology text and the apology email, then got Ray to ask Martha to give her some space.

She didn’t know if she wanted the space right now. She was scared and she was alone, but… It was hard to think of burrowing into someone’s arms when they’d basically demanded that you cut off a part of yourself… It was better not to, not like this. They would fix things, she knew that, but it mattered how you glued the parts back together **—** it made all the difference to how much the cracks would show.

She couldn’t talk to her mum, and she couldn’t talk to Ray. Before, she might have tried TJ anyway and hoped he could handle it maturely **,** but now she didn’t have to.

[Ray shifted. Freaking the hell out] she texted before she could change her mind.

It was late, because she couldn’t sleep. She’d been covering most of Ray’s babysitting herself because there was no need to stress anyone else out and she needed to keep busy, anyway. After putting the babies to bed, she’d sat and watched the screen as a new insane episode of Shameless played until the titles had rolled down and she’d realised she had no idea what had happened in it.

Her phone vibrated on her desk.

[Deep breath. Guy had five already, one is nothing]

She smiled. It was a good point, even if it had nothing to do with the reason she was worried. 

[He asked me to be there and take her away]

The phone rang once before she clumsily managed to pick up, worried the noise would wake someone **—** thank the Moon the babies slept in her old room now.

“He did what?” Irina asked in a furious whisper. Marisa wondered why she was even awake…

“He called me over, right before… Well, he woke up shifted and managed to shift back, but it was painful. And he asked me to be there when she was born and take her so she wouldn’t bond with him.”

“That **—** ” Irina cut herself off. “That is not cool, Marisa. Did you agree?” she added, then answered herself, “Of course you agreed, what else could you do with him like that?”

“It’s fine,” she insisted. “He was just too scared to ask me earlier, I would have agreed anyway.”

“You would not be freaking out if he had,” Irina said angrily. Marisa heard her breathing deeply herself. “Okay, it’s done, and it’ll be fine. She’ll be a pup, so you can’t even be worried about holding the head right and that stuff.”

“I’m not worried about holding her,” Marisa replied, a little annoyed herself **.** She’d been holding babies all her life, it was hardly a concern. “I’m worried about screwing her up and hurting her. She’s going to want him, she’ll know my scent isn’t right and **—** ”

“Take his clothes,” Irina told her.

“What?”

“Put on his clothes, maybe wrap one of your hoodies around him in the den and put it on right before you take her. We used to do that with Andrei to trick him into letting Sorina sleep.”

“But… wouldn’t that defeat the point?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think babies bond with scents, do they? Andrei got used to the rest of us after a while, kind of like… easing him out of it or something.”

It made sense **—** a lot more sense than plucking a little pup away from the person who’d carried her and cared for her all her existence, anyway. “Thank you,” she whispered to Irina, holding the phone close with both hands. “Why are you awake this late?”

Irina didn’t answer for a moment. “I wasn’t,” she admitted, “but I left my phone on the pillow, so…”

“Oh, damn, I’m sorry, I **—** ”

Irina shushed her. “Don’t be stupid, you needed me.”

She was right, of course, but Marisa didn’t see how that made anything better. “Yeah, but you have your own **—** ”

“Marisa, I’m on holiday. Come on, I know you are a big, independent woman, but you are allowed to ask for help. I’m glad you asked me.”

Marisa froze, stuck between gratitude and despair **;** Irina had called her a woman, but she wasn’t  _treating_  her like one. It was one thing to pretend the kiss didn’t have to change things, another entirely to **—**

“If we’re good enough friends for you to buy me plane tickets,” Irina reminded her, “Then we are good enough friends for middle of the night freak-outs.”

She bit her lip to avoid making any noise, because, dammit, Irina was right. Marisa was the one who’d crossed a line first **,** even if she’d done it because Irina needed... “Okay, thank you.”

“You are welcome, now get to sleep, you sound exhausted.”

&

Alec’s prediction was right on the money: Ray went to hide in the den Tuesday afternoon and contractions started around ten that night. 

“What? Why are you here?” she almost shouted at Alec.

Alec took hold of her elbow and stopped her from running out of the kitchen. “Breathe. Josh asked me to leave so he could collect some milk for the baby.”

Something her brother would surely prefer witnessed by as few people as possible, she understood at once. Alec’s other hand came to rest on her other elbow and Marisa looked up into his golden eyes. His heartbeat was steady, his manner calm. “I know what I’m doing,” he promised. “You can wait right outside and we’ll call you in when the pup comes out.”

“I promised **—** ”

“To be there to get her,” Alec interrupted, his confidence almost more shocking than what was about to take place. “And you will be. But you can give me a little room to work, right? It’s a den in the ground, not exactly ample.”

“Ok, but I have to get my hoodie and put it on, Ray’s been using it as a pillow.”

He opened the fridge and got a bottle of water, then led the way outside. “That’s a brilliant idea. I thought it was just a pillow.”

Marisa didn’t say anything because suddenly she could hear noise coming from the den. No, not noise, whimpering.

Alec broke out into a run and Marisa followed. The doctor was already shushing Ray when she made it to the hole in the ground where instinct had led her brother to give birth **—** they seriously needed to train Ray’s wolf into at least a barn. As soon as they built one, that was.

She was about to peek inside, disturbing as she expected the scene to be with the sounds Ray was making, when Josh poked his head out and handed her the hoodie. “Is he okay?”

Josh was half covered in dirt and looked pale, but he nodded. “Contractions hurt,” he said. “But he’s starting to push already, it shouldn’t be long.”

A noise from inside made him twist back and Marisa was left staring at empty space. She put on the hoodie and closed her eyes to focus her hearing. It was hard to figure out what exactly was going on, Alec was murmuring a steady stream of instructions half cut off by Ray’s sounds of pain and his shifting around as he struggled to do what his body was demanding of him.

She did hear the baby being born, though. Like a vacuum being sealed and then a new voice, whimpering at a higher pitch. She was halfway inside before Josh could even call her name. Alec was cleaning the placenta off the little dark body and Ray was just panting on his side, heaving like he’d run a marathon. Alec picked the pup’s tiny body up in his gloved hands and met Marisa’s eyes before handing it to her. She wasn’t wearing gloves and she could feel the fur was still wet and a little slimy, but it was the little nose nuzzling at her that set her heart racing. She glanced back at Ray, whose eyes were now open. The wolf didn’t seem worried that Marisa was holding its pup, but she wasn’t so sure it’d be okay with her taking it out of the den.

Josh moved around and crawled to her with a bottle. “Come on, get her out and you can feed her.”

Marisa shook herself out of her stupor, then awkwardly cradled the pup against her chest and made her way outside. Her right hand was muddy by the end of it, but Josh made sure to uncap the bottle before passing it over, and once the pup lifted its tiny head and it began suckling, she wouldn’t have cared if she’d been covered in dung. They would both need a wash once they got inside anyway, she figured.

“Fuck,” she whispered.

Josh laughed next to her, reminding her of the existence of other beings in the world. “Wait until she’s a  _baby_ ,” he told her. “Also, no swearing, remember?”

“She won’t remember anything until she’s, like, six months old,” Marisa told him absently.

“For real? So why **—** ”

“Marisa, can you go inside?” Alec called out. “I think Ray would like to get out of here.”

“What?” Josh protested, leaning into the den. “Already? It’s been less than ten minutes!”

“He’s been a wolf for two weeks,” she heard Alec argue as she got to her feet. It wasn’t hard, even holding the pup and the bottle in the right position for her to keep feeding. What was hard was looking away from her so she could check she was walking towards the door, but they weren’t far and she had great peripheral vision. She walked right past the open door of the living room into the beta wing.

Her bedroom door was closed, and the little one whined when Marisa had to take the bottle away to reach for the door.

Yousuf popped his head out of the kitchenette. “Oh, she’s here?!” he asked, and Marisa’s body curled up further around her. Yousuf didn’t wait for an answer, rushing forward to open the door for her with only a glance at the bundle in her arms. “Here, you need anything?”

Marisa looked up from the tiny body, helpless but eager for the nipple when she returned the bottle to her. She couldn’t think of anything, really.

“Will Ray… change back?” Yousuf checked in an awed whisper.

“Yeah,” she said. “Soon? I think he was coming in **—** ”

Yousuf didn’t let her finish, “I’ll go check and let you know!”

She’d barely sat down on her bed and arranged the pup in a comfortable position on the covers when he came racing back. “He’s doing it now, are you ready?”

She nodded, feeling like her voice might not respond to her commands if she tried using it. As a werewolf, she could feel shifters were people in either form, but it wasn’t the same as looking another human being in the face, and she was going to see this child’s face for the first time. Just her.

She didn’t think that was an accident.

From one moment to the next, the fur receded and the limbs lengthened to form the even more fragile form of a new-born human. The baby made a sound, obviously confused by the change in species, and promptly faceplanted onto the mattress. Marisa reached for her, heart trying to break her ribs **—** terrified for absolutely no reason; she’d learned how to hold Glen at this age when she’d been  _ten years old_ **—** and turned her over. It was just a baby, her face chubby and still a little red from the squeeze of birth. She was a little bloody and a little moody, but... She started crying, maybe humanity was too much to look in the eye.

Marisa picked her up, bringing her close to her body, trying to tell this creature who understood no words that she was safe. The baby squirmed but a little bouncing got her to settle, burying her face into the Ray-scented hoodie like she still felt smell was her primary sense. At this distance, it might as well have been, and Marisa didn’t exactly mind the closeness. She was slightly bigger as a human, maybe because the pup’s short fur had been wet, but she still weighed almost nothing in her arms.

Marisa remembered telling Irina she wasn’t worried about dropping her, but her heart still felt like it would burst. She wanted to ask someone if that was normal, but she couldn’t stop looking at her, much less imagine putting her down to talk to another person.

“Hey, sweetie,” she called softly and got a reaction at once, dark eyes meeting hers. She wondered if the baby had expected Ray’s voice instead **—** she’d read human babies could hear their mother in the womb, so what could one expect of the fine senses of a werewolf?

It’d either been a coincidence or she was too hungry to care about anyone’s voice because the next thing she knew, the child was whining for the bottle again. Before that, though, she made Marisa regret not putting a nappy on her.

That was the second time she broke the no-swearing-in-front-of-children rule.

&

The baby bought the hoodie and the bottles **—** no need to convince her the lingering taste of plastic wasn’t so bad when she’d never had anything better **—** but Ray didn’t last a day.

“Hey,” he said from her doorway. His heart was beating fast, and when she glanced down at his hands she saw he was trembling.

“You are such a dick,” she told him, not holding back. 

“No swearing,” he had the cheek to remind her.

“She’s going to have to know what to call you when you pull these stupid stunts, isn’t she?” Marisa countered. She couldn’t hold out against his dazed expression, though. “Come here.”

He went up to her and sat by her side on the bed, watching the baby in her arms like it was an apparition. “Well? Stop watching,” she demanded. “Take her.”

Ray held out his arms and she leaned in close enough for him to take the baby’s weight.

“I’m sorry,” Ray said, and Marisa wondered if he was speaking to the baby, but he met her eyes and said it again, “I’m sorry, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have done that to you **—** you deserve better. But I... If it’s any consolation, my wolf has been whining at me for the last twenty hours. Barely got any sleep, and I ripped the sheets with my claws.”

“It isn’t,” she told him tiredly. She hadn’t got a lot of sleep herself. She could have asked for help with the feedings, but without Irina here, she just wasn’t sure who to ask, and deciding on anyone seemed full of implications. So, she’d curled up around the baby and heated up the milk Ray had sent over with Josh every time she woke. “I got into this so you  _wouldn’t_ suffer, remember?”

“I know,” he said, slumping a little over the baby in his arms. She was watching him. Of course she was watching him, Marisa thought, she  _knew_ him. She’d accepted Marisa holding her and feeding her because she hadn’t known any better, but she couldn’t miss who was holding her right now. She looked away, pained, and guilty at being pained. 

“Should we choose a name?” she asked Ray. There were some things she couldn’t change, or give, but she could deal with the practicalities.

“Huh?” Ray turned his head towards her, but his attention was clearly elsewhere. “Oh, yeah, you got the list?”

“Yeah, um, it’s a bit shorter,” she explained. “Irina helped me.”

_That_ got Ray’s attention. “Irina? You guys are talking?”

Talking? That seemed like a bit of an understatement when you’d called someone in the middle of the night to calm you down. She shrugged, not wanting to risk lying. “She asked about the name, so I told her which ones we had. Figured we could use the help.”

“Sounds like she’s quite attached… to the pack,” Ray added with as little subtlety as she might have expected of TJ.

She shot him a warning look but didn’t answer. She’d never asked how much their mother had told him, but now it seemed obvious it’d been too much. There was no way Ray had noticed on his own; her brother likely hadn’t realised his own best friend was in love with him until Josh had offered to be his alpha.

He wisely didn’t push. “Anyway,  _I_ don’t need any help. Maybe  _you_ do, since it’s your job to choose.”

He was being childish, but it reassured her to hear that hadn’t changed. Except… She swallowed down her fear and turned her body to look at him. “Ray.” He glanced up from his baby’s face, where he’d once again become lost. “It’s not too late to change your mind.”

“What?” He shifted on the bed to face her. “I’m **—** Have you?”

She thought about making it easier on him, just solving the problem herself… But she looked at the baby and found she couldn’t. This wasn’t a matter of convenience. It wasn’t even a matter of what Marisa wanted for herself, it was about what was best for the child. It was the first rule of being a parent and she wasn’t about to ignore it, even if it meant she lost her chance.

“No,” she told him simply.

Ray nodded slowly. “Ok, neither have I.”

“You just…You look…”

He smiled but shook his head. “You can’t imagine the relief it is to get my wolf to shut up,” he explained. “Not… I mean, she’s lovely and she’s… I have been carrying her around for a while, so…” He traced her hairline with his fingertips. “I love her,” he added very quietly, like it hurt to say. “But that doesn’t make me a good parent. I… I love her now, but I was looking at her and hoping her eyes don’t turn blue…”

Light eyes were a recessive trait, Marisa knew, but one she’d get from both her… parents. She knew what Ray was saying: he was afraid he couldn’t love her unconditionally, that he’d see something in her face or hear something in her voice one day that reminded him of the man who’d betrayed him in the worst possible way.

Marisa didn’t believe your genes determined your fate, and she didn’t think Ray did either, but fear didn’t attend to reason **—** that was its power.

There was nothing to say, so she didn’t say anything, just reached for his hand to hold; he held hers back, right over the baby’s middle.

“Okay, let me read you the list… you can help me cross some out, right?”

He just nodded his assent, squeezing her hand. She thought he might not be ready to speak again yet. 

He laughed when he told him about Irina discarding ‘Margot’, which he’d wanted to do himself. He’d even offered to let Marisa cross out two names from his own list, but she hadn’t been able to choose any. Maybe Irina was right about Ray’s taste… Not that she was going to tell him. “Yeah, well, that just means you have to kill your darlings yourself,” she pointed out. “She can’t have eight names any more than she can have twelve.”

Ray went back to rocking the baby. “Mmmm… What if you actually choose your top three?”

Marisa hesitated. But he was right: she’d said she would choose, and she was getting annoyed of  _thinking_ about the child as ‘the baby’; if she had to  _talk_ about her that way...

And that was how the baby ended up Calliope Aynsley Elena Halley. She almost made a joke about Ray’s next child getting four names but thought better of it. Instead she reached for Calliope. Ray passed her over without obvious reluctance, revealing a wet spot where her clever girl had been trying to get to the source of sustenance.

“Take off your jumper,” she told him. “I don’t want to risk your scent fading and her freaking out.”

Ray looked as scandalized as if she’d asked him to get naked. It took her a moment to get why **.** She’d assumed he’d been hiding his belly with the huge clothes he’d taken to wearing, but of course Calliope wasn’t interested in  _that_. His chest… 

“I have something you can wear,” she said and went to her dresser. Cali was so small that it was no trouble using her left hand to open the drawers and rummage for what she wanted. She took out a dark blue hoodie, way too large for her even now that she was fully grown, the colour faded and the elastic on the cuffs long broken.

The scent was gone, too. Except in her mind, of course. It was enough to hold the cloth and she could smell her dad.

Ray gasped when he saw it, taking an unthinking step forward to reach for it. “That’s…” He met her eyes. “I thought  _TJ_ had stolen it.” 

Marisa shrugged, being a good girl had to pay off sometimes, didn’t it? “No, he knew, made sure you weren’t coming… but it was me.”

Ray shook his head. “And now you are giving it back to me?”

Marisa looked down at the bundle in her arms. “We can share it,” she told him, meeting his eyes. “Pretty sure you’re not running off on me again.”


	23. Chapter 23

# Chapter 22: Irina

She’d intended to tell Marisa about buying the ticket back **—** it was only right, really, after Marisa had gifted her the one to get to Romania.

She didn’t know why she hadn’t, really.

Or she did, but it didn’t make sense. She’d done it the night she’d got Marisa’s panicked call about Ray and the baby, but it wasn’t like Marisa was in the right frame of mind to notice the coincidence if she texted her the flight details the day after, or a couple days after.

But she hadn’t. And then she’d got a call from Iesu to tell her Ray’s baby had been born healthy and strong.

For a moment, she hadn’t even been able to manage platitudes. “Thank the moon,” she offered after a couple beats.

“Did I catch you at a bad time...?” Iesu asked her carefully.

“No, I **—** just making lunch. When...?”

“Yesterday.”

“I’m coming home soon,” she said in response.

“Seriously?” Iesu sounded flatteringly excited for someone who’d been so certain of her return.

“Yeah,” she promised, smiling to herself. “You were right, for once.”

Iesu snorted. “By which you mean your mum’s driving you around the bend?”

She laughed, then switched to English, glancing around to make sure her mum wasn’t close enough to hear. “You’re on speaker, you idiot.”

He followed her lead. “Just tell them we are talking about education. _Bilingual education_ ,” he added, not quite able to hold back his laughter until the end. Then, because he apparently couldn’t help himself, he added, “Speaking of tongues... Have you told Marisa yet?”

Irina had to put down the knife so she could lean over the counter and laugh so hard her mother came into the kitchen to check on her.

“What’s happening?” her mom asked her.

“It’s my fault, auntie.” Iesu spoke up, luckily, because she had no breath to.

“Ah, Iesuvel,” Her mum said knowingly. “Of course, how’s your family? Are you visiting your mother often?”

Irina ignored the dig, but it made her realise something: she’d left her mum and her pack behind with the promise of seeing them soon and she’d stayed away so long they’d had to come to her in England. Her mum was possessive as hell, sure, but what else should she feel when her daughter had left her like that?

She took the phone off the counter. “We’ll call you back later, Iesu.”

Her mum tried to object but her cousin had already hung up. “What is it? First you are laughing like crazy, now you look worried...”

“I’m going back, mum.”

“What? But **—** ”

“Just listen to me,” Irina asked. She’d interrupted, but her mother didn’t reprimand her for the rudeness.

She started neatening up the counter instead, even though Irina hadn’t had time to make that much of a mess. “I’m listening.”

“I owe you an apology,” Irina told her, a little breathless. “I didn’t mean to... to lie to you, but I said I’d be back soon, for a visit, at least. And I never came. In thirteen years, I never came.”

Her mother stopped cleaning. “I never understood why you left,” she said slowly. “I **—** We can change things, if **—** ”

“I’m happy in England,” Irina told her gently. “Maybe... Well, maybe I could have found a way to change things here, but I don’t think so. I’m... I’m different, in a lot of ways, and I think you can see that and you tried... I know you were trying to help me have a good life.”

“Of course I was!” She looked up even as her voice rose in pitch, but she paused, visibly pulling back, eyes intense but posture relaxing. “I mean, it doesn’t hurt anyone if you play football all the time, but **—** ”

“I know,” Irina bit off, unable to help herself. She’d heard the speech so often as a child… “But you hurt me, you get that?”

“So you ran away from home?” her mother asked, voice calm but face full of tension.

It sounded so childish put like that, but what were you meant to do when home wasn’t a place where you felt free to be yourself? If you were safe, but not _happy_? She could admit she’d made a mistake never visiting, but now more than ever she could see leaving had been right. There had been a way for her to be happy here, of course, but without leaving, Irina herself would have never been able to find it.

“I guess I did,” she admitted. “But I’m grown up now; I know who I am even when I’m here. I do wish you wouldn’t... you wouldn’t point out all the ways in which I don’t fit. Believe me, I _know_. But I don’t want to change who I am.”

“So, if you know, then you can stay. I won’t say anything about any of it. Not the clothes, or whatever job you want...” She paused but Irina saw her face and knew something else was coming. “You can... You can bring a girl, if **…** if there’s someone.”

Irina stared at her, so beyond words that her mouth had gone dry. She closed it, realising she was gaping. It didn’t help because she found her eyes were tearing up instead **;** it was like her mind had come to a halt and her body couldn’t deal. She was so overwhelmed she didn’t even notice her mother had moved until she felt her hand on her arm. She let herself be pulled into the embrace like she was still a child, needy and desperately afraid of losing the love of the most important person in her life.

Her mother was shorter than her now, even wearing heels, so she slumped forward and clutched at handfuls of her mother’s silken shirt, breathing in her scent in an effort not to cry. She could probably tell, too, because she was making a low sound of comfort and calling Irina by her childhood pet name. Irina let herself be held, silently conceded her need and then she tightened her arms for a moment and made herself pull back.

“It’s okay,” her mum promised as their eyes met.

And Irina managed a response, even if she sounded like she’d been crying when she did. “Thank you.”

“No.” Her mother shook her head. “I’m sorry I didn’t understand, but now everything will be okay, won’t it?”

The hope in her voice was so fragile Irina couldn’t form words for a long moment. But she’d lied enough **—** even if she hadn’t meant to. She couldn’t do it intentionally. “It’ll be okay, but… I have to go back.” Her mother’s face fell, and Irina had to look away to keep speaking, but she had to, she had to make her mother understand what she was asking and why Irina was saying no. She couldn’t give her what she wanted, just like she hadn’t been able to give Irina what she needed more than a decade ago, but they could both have the truth. It wasn’t easy, but at least they’d both know. “There _is_ someone, and I have to go back to her.”

There was more than one someone; she was itching to get back at Iesu for annoying her into contacting Marisa, to see the new baby, even to paint the beta wing. But this was…

She dared a glance and couldn’t look away when she saw her mother’s expression. She almost looked… happy. She’d just found out her mum could be okay with her dating women theoretically, but this was the real deal. If she…“An English girl?” she checked to Irina’s utter shock.

She wasn’t completely sure she wasn’t about to get a rant about English people in general, but she couldn’t deny her mother had earned the benefit of the doubt. “Um, yes.”

“And she… she likes you?” It’d cost her, but she’d asked anyway.

“Yes,” Irina repeated, almost on autopilot. At least she was pretty sure that was still the case. It could have been that Marisa didn’t really have that many friends outside her family and no one she could call late at night to talk werewolf business, but… She hoped, anyway. She was going to ask, at least.

“And she makes you happy?” her mum checked. At this point it landed on Irina that this was a normal conversation, the exact same thing her mum had asked Mihai when he started seeing a new girl **—** back before he’d settled into utter domestic and reproductive bliss with Anna.

Of course, Irina wasn’t dating Marisa. But did that really make any difference? Marisa _did_ make her happy, even if she’d changed her mind about the romantic side of their relationship, she still would. She nodded. “She does. She’s… She’s smart, and so good with kids, and with cooking and organization, and basically everything she’s every tried to do that I know of.”

Her mum gripped her arm harder and she met her eyes again. Her face felt hot, but embarrassment wasn’t shame. “And she’s pretty?”

She snorted out a laugh. “Pretty? She’s goddamned beautiful!”

Her mum smiled at her. “You look happy, but maybe you need to eat more of her food. I’ll check,” she warned. “When we come in July.”

“I’ll come, too,” Irina told her. “I swear, I’ll come back more often. At least once a year.”

“That’s good then, you come in winter, and we will come in summer.”

“Don’t worry, if I don’t, Marisa will buy me another ticket home.”

“She **—** ” Now it was her mother’s turn to gape. “She sent you away?”

Irina shook her head. “She sent me _home_ ,” she corrected. “She knew I was disappointed in myself for not coming, but I was just too afraid if I did, I wouldn’t be able to leave again.”

Her mum’s mouth twisted a little, like she regretted that wasn’t the case **,** but if that was what was crossing her mind, she kept it to herself. “You should bring her next time,” she said in the end. “I would like to meet the woman who can make you listen.”

 

&

 

“What’s this?” Irina asked, looking at the package she’d just been handed.

“For your girl,” her mum explained.

Irina squeezed it gently. “Is this… cloth?”

Her mother nodded. “A shirt, I didn’t have much time, what with the way you like to book tickets,” she added, grumbling a little. “But I managed to add a little embroidery.”

“Oh.” She didn’t know what to say to that. “Thanks.”

“What? No, this is my thanks to _her_ ,” her mum clarified. “For sending you to me.”

“So, you are hoping she’ll love the shirt so much she’ll keep doing it?” Irina joked.

“No need for that now, is there?” her mum asked with dangerous lilt to her voice.

“No, just joking,” Irina said quickly, raising a hand over her head to demonstrate she was harmless.

“Good, come here,” her mum demanded, and they were holding hard onto each other, probably creasing the shirt inside its package and hard enough it took their true strength to stand it. “I love you.”

She squeezed harder, swallowing. “I love you too, mum.”

 

&

 

Constantin drove her back to the airport, music lower than usual. “Guess I can’t use your room as storage anymore,” he mused.

“Why do you need to use my room? You have your own flat.”

“Flat is the key word. Why do you think I didn’t take you there? It’s close to work but it’s tiny.”

“Speaking of which,” Irina said thoughtfully. “I have to talk to my pack about having guest rooms **;** I don’t think anyone thought we’d need them…”

“I thought you had your own room?” her brother asked. “Can’t you just sleep with your girlfriend and let me have it?”

Irina didn’t answer, but Constantin was no fool and she was probably blushing besides having developed a sudden case of tachycardia.

“Irina?” he wheedled. “What is it?”

She huffed, annoyed at herself. “Well, I might have… Mum just **—** It was just hard to talk to her about it, and I said I liked a girl and she assumed it was a done deal. I didn’t know how to explain, so I didn’t, and…”

“And what?” Constantin asked calmly, but she could _hear_ his amusement.

“And I hope it _will_ be,” she said, trying to sound calm herself. “I’m going to ask her when I get back, but I haven’t, so…”

Constantin laughed long and hard at that, pounding the steering wheel in a frankly alarming manner. “You are like a primary school kid, I swear, making up a girlfriend!”

“I didn’t make her up, she’s real and she **—** ” She stopped herself, because what right did she have to mention the kiss she’d not returned? Except it was _Constantin_ ; if she couldn’t talk to him about this, who could she talk to? “She kissed me.”

Constantin blue eyes went wide as he gave her a disbelieving look. He turned back to the road, shaking his head. “Okay, she kissed you, and what did _you_ do?”

“I… I didn’t kiss her back,” she admitted, stomach roiling with a mix of guilt and regret. “I didn’t mean to lead her on, but I just couldn’t **—** ” She sighed and braced herself before she just said it, “She’s only seventeen, Costel.”

She kept her gaze on her lap, awaiting judgement and only noticed her brother had got distracted when he cursed at another driver. “Ugh,” he said with feeling. “Can’t wait to get to the motorway.”

“Did you hear me?” she pressed.

Constantin’s eyes flickered to her face, making a humming sound. “Oh, yeah, seventeen… That’s pretty young,” he conceded, looking around for the exit they needed. Irina didn’t say anything, waiting for him to take it, shoulders relaxing at once. Her brother looked at her again for a few seconds longer. He didn’t look angry, or… “But you are over that now?”

“I… You think it’s okay?” she asked slowly. Sorina hadn’t seemed to care when she’d been teasing her, but…

Constantin shrugged. “Well, you are older and everything, but from the way you have described it, it kinda sounds like she’s your boss, so…”

“She’s not my boss!”

Her brother gave her the eyebrow. “Doesn’t she assign everyone tasks and shifts?”

Irina glared at him, but he probably couldn’t tell since he was back to paying attention to traffic. “Yes, but that’s just because she’s organizing it for everyone. She’s not **…** I don’t know, she can’t fire me.”

“Well, that’s good because _that_ would make it a little messed up. But if she can’t fire you and you don’t have any power over her…” He shrugged. “Then age is just a number, and by the time you’re fifty, it’ll hardly matter.”

Irina didn’t answer. She couldn’t. She’d known it was right; she could feel it. If Marisa could see what she needed to the extent she had, if she was brave enough to _give_ it to her… Maybe it wasn’t wrong for Irina to do the same for her, as much as she could.

But Constantin’s words made everything click in place, because he was right: the problem with dating someone so much younger wasn’t a number, it was _power_. The power you held over them by virtue of being older and more mature. But if Marisa had some maturing to do in some aspects, so did _Irina_. Marisa was seventeen, but she was old enough to have a kid **—** not because her body was ready, but because she wanted it and could choose it. Irina was thirty, but she’d needed Marisa to buy her a ticket to figure out she needed to go home and forgive her mother for not being able to understand her when _she_ ’d been seventeen. If it hadn’t been for the numbers…

And then there was Marisa’s role in the pack, of course. Constantin was half-right, at least, in that she had more power than Irina. Maybe Irina should have minded getting directed by a girl almost half her age, but she _didn’t._ She liked being a beta and helping out, as long as her opinion was taken into account, and she didn’t want the added stress of managing the pack. Marisa did, and she did it well **;** better than Irina could have done if she’d tried, she was sure.

And when Marisa needed a hand, Irina had two to offer. It worked. It’d worked all along, even when they hadn’t quite known how to talk to each other and all the support she had been able to offer was a suggestion to go for a run.

Even when she’d been stupid enough to miss the flirting wasn’t just friendly or a distraction to get her to lose at bowling. Marisa had distanced herself afterwards, but they hadn’t stopped being friends. Even after Irina had rejected her advances, Marisa hadn’t _wanted_ to stop being friends **;** she’d just needed a little space.

If they’d missed their chance at romance… so be it. But she wasn’t going to give up their relationship now that she’d finally understood what she had.

She had Marisa’s affection, her friendship, and if dating was off the table… well, she’d learn to be happy with that, but she wasn’t going to give it up without asking, either.

“Thank you,” she told her brother. “I’ll do my best to try to free up a room for you.”

He gave her a toothy grin. “That’s more like it.”

 

&

 

She went to her aunt’s house because they were throwing her a party **,** or, well, her aunt had made all her favourite dishes and there would be a cake because Sorina had a whole mouth of sweet teeth and she wouldn’t miss the chance to indulge. In Irina’s experience, her need for sugar got especially bad when she was pregnant, so she was not exactly shocked to discover the promised cake had turned into three **:** walnut layered lemon cake, cream cake, and a very English chocolate confection that probably had used up two pots of ganache.

“Auntie Irina!” Gheorghe’s arms were tight around her middle before she’d quite managed to cross the threshold. This time, Andrei approached a little slower, pressing his face to her arm until she reached out and held him close. “Hey, guys, you missed me?”

Gheorghe sprang back with as much energy as he’d come in. “Yes! Also, mum said we can only start eating when you got here, so can we eat now?”

She couldn’t hold back her laughter at that, then glanced around and told him he could have one of the mini-cheese ball skewers. Gheorghe looked dubious, but he took one before he pressed again, “Can I have some cake? Just a small piece?”

Irina was too smart to agree without checking with the adults in charge. Gheorghe could have spent all afternoon gorging on party food and still want more **—** as a werewolf, he had the metabolism to go through all that food without making himself sick, but he’d still get a sugar high like any child if he ate enough. “Ask your mum, or your grandma.”

Gheorghe’s groan spoke volumes, but he abandoned them for the kitchen, where Irina could hear trays being set down and almost urgent conversation **.** There were probably more trays of hot food than surfaces to put them on, as usual. She tried to turn to Iesu, who’d come in behind her from the car, but instead bumped Andrei. The boy had let go but apparently he’d stuck around. “Hey, you alright?”

Andrei wasn’t as loud as his little brother, but he was far from quiet. His big green eyes met hers. “Are you going to leave again?”

“It was just a holiday,” she said, except she heard her pulse betray her. She pulled back her shoulders and apologized, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure if it was a holiday, but it was, I know now. I will go again, but maybe next time we can all go together. And, anyway, I’ll definitely come back even if I go alone.”

“But you’re not gonna to live here, are you? You’re gonna live with Uncle Iesu like before?”

“Yes,” she agreed. “But I’m just across the river, you can come visit any time, and I can pick you up from school too.”

“I don’t need help with school,” Andrei said. He sounded almost disappointed.

“That’s fine,” she promised, trying to not smile. “I would like to hang out without books if that’s okay with you. What about we play some football?”

Andrei’s face remained impassive for a beat, but his eyes were bright. “Really?”

“Yeah, really,” she promised. “We can ask Harry, Anne, and Glen to come. You guys all got a new little cousin, did you know that?”

He shook his head and his surprise made her realise her mistake; nobody had told them about the child. Probably because it’d be pretty hard to introduce her without naming her parents. Andrei could probably understand that the baby was Ray’s biological child but Marisa would look after it, but… “Yeah, you’ll meet her soon. And we’ll play football and maybe have another barbecue.”

“Another barbecue?” Sorina asked, walking in. She was carrying a tray so big Irina didn’t see how she’d fit it on the table. _She_ looked way bigger than she’d been the last time Irina had seen her too.

“Whoa, how many people are you feeding?” she asked, rushing towards the table to make room.

“People?” Sorina replied. “I think you mean wolves.”

The wolves must have smelled the hot food because the rest of them descended on the dining room in a rush. Sorina didn’t even look smug, but she’d been right; they even had to go back for another tray.

Irina watched them all, remembering how she'd thought they might not be enough to hold her here, and felt foolish all over again. They were. Of course they were. They were not just her family but the people who'd chosen her back, who'd loved her like she was and never asked her to try and be more than she wanted or was inclined to. She stepped up to Sorina and gave her a tight squeeze, surprising her cousin into looking up with a smudge of cream on her lip. Irina used her thumb to clean it and licked it before she explained, "I gotta go."

Because they were enough, but there was someone else in her mind too, and it seemed like maybe that someone could need her now.

She didn't need anyone to tether her to any piece of land **—** she was free to come and go, to love all of them, and to be there when they needed her most.

Sorina shot her a smug look, obviously aware of her destination. "Get out of here."

 

&

 

She’d left her car outside for almost two months, but Marisa had been right; it didn’t matter to anyone, there was plenty of space to park without getting in the way. She was grateful not to have to go begging any rides from anyone now, and she was grateful for the time to herself. Nobody in the pack except Iesu had known she’d be coming back today **.** Once she’d left it for a few days, a surprise seemed less embarrassing than letting them know at the last minute **,** and she wanted… well, she wanted to see Marisa.

Assuming Marisa could see her, because even if the other betas were helping her out, Marisa was still dealing with a baby only a few days old. It wasn’t fair of Irina to show up again out of the blue and just expect…

She’d barely parked the car when she saw her **;** her sun-streaked mane of hair unmistakeable even in a messy bun as she walked up and down the porch. She ignored the car, and once Irina got out, she saw who held her attention instead. She was holding a softly whimpering baby.

If there was not a time to startle someone, it was then. She put her fingers in her mouth and whistled. Marisa finally turned in her direction, and for a moment, she just blinked at Irina like she couldn’t quite process what she was seeing.

“Surprise?” Irina offered, feeling like an idiot in front of the woman who’d got right to the heart of her, found her biggest fear, and given her the sword to slay it with.

“Irina,” Marisa finally said. “You are back.”

The words sounded almost awed, but it could have also been that Marisa hadn’t got enough sleep in a while. She didn’t look it, but werewolf genes were a lot better than make-up to disguise that kind of thing, especially if you were seventeen. “So what name did you go for in the end?”

The baby seemed to take exception to the question because she went from soft noises to outright crying, alarming Marisa into taking a step back and resuming the bouncing movement she’d been using to keep her calm. Irina climbed up onto the porch. “You want a hand?” she asked, not reaching out like she’d have with the older babies. Sometimes a new mother **…**

“Yes,” Marisa said at once and stepped right into her to pass over the child. She waited until Irina reacted and put a hand behind the tiny head before letting go. “Calliope Aynsley Elena.”

Irina cradled her new charge even as she chuckled. “Couldn’t narrow it down any further, could you?”

“Having three names is very Irish,” Marisa replied.

Irina tried rocking her, which seemed to work somewhat better than bouncing.

“She’s going to get your shirt wet,” Marisa warned, and when Irina looked up she was leaning against the wall next to the front door. Now that she could see her face properly, the lax tilt of her mouth made it obvious that she _was_ exhausted. “Apparently nature is stronger than nurture because she keeps looking for tits to suck.”

Irina smiled, even as the baby nudged her own chest. “So… Calliope, I like it. Powerful.”

“Well, I call her Cali,” Marisa admitted. “She can be powerful when she can actually speak.”

They went inside together, and Marisa got a bottle already filled with milk from the fridge. Irina didn’t ask because it clearly wasn’t formula, but Marisa caught her eye. “It’s just for the first month,” she explained. “He’s using a milk pump to collect it.”

“How did the… pick up go?”

“Terrifying,” Marisa said, setting up a pot of boiling water for a bain marie to heat up the milk. “But the only person that really freaked out was Ray.”

“Oh, Cali was okay?” The baby in her arms decided to prove she was not happy right now, at least, and started struggling a little, so Irina did a whole turn, hoping the movement would distract her. “Shh, Cali, food’s on the way,” she told her gently.

It was enough time for Marisa to get the bottle and dry it with a tea towel. She checked the temperature on the back of her hand. “Might be a bit cold,” she decided. “But that’s the one thing she is _not_ fussy about.”

Irina half expected to be asked to return the baby to her mother, but Marisa just passed her the bottle before collapsing on a nearby chair. When Cali finally found the nipple and started sucking, Irina looked up to find Marisa watching her with a dazed expression. “Your Romanian sounds different, you know.”

Irina stared at her. Had she spoken Romanian? It was what she spoke to the other babies, including Mihai’s little girl **—** it’d just been too hard to remember to speak English only to her **—** but she hadn’t consciously decided to do it with Cali. “Um, does it?”

“Yeah.” Marisa tilted her head to side. “And you look more relaxed, too.”

“Points to you for holiday planning,” Irina joked, but Marisa either didn’t find it amusing or didn’t have the energy to show it.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she said sincerely, and Cali startled a little as Irina’s heart jumped right next to her ear.

“I’m glad to be back,” she agreed. “What if I take this bundle of joy to my room and you go take a nap in yours?”

Marisa hesitated. “You sure? You just got back **—** ”

“Yes,” she cut off. “I’m sure. And I might have just got back, but I can already tell you aren’t getting the help you need. Probably told people you were fine, didn’t you?” she added a little reprovingly.

She thought Marisa would argue, but the other woman just let herself collapse face first onto the table, then exhaled and used her hands to push herself upright, an admission if there was ever one.

She only said a single word before going into her room and closing the door. “Mulțumesc.”

It took Irina all the way to her own room to realise she’d spoken Romanian for the first time outside of their little lessons.

 

&

 

Irina’s experience with babies was extensive enough that she could feel confident that when she said Cali wasn’t an easy one, she wasn’t exaggerating. She'd heard somewhere that babies were affected by the suffering of their mothers **—** she wasn't sure if it was a matter of hormones or genes, but it made sense. Didn't children who grow up in bad situations adapt to them by being more cautious, cautious enough that if they managed to find some stability later in life they would develop anxiety? And the younger the child, the more sensitive they were to their environment. Cali had barely existed at all when Ray had been recovering from being kidnapped and assaulted, and once she'd been born he'd sent her away quickly enough that _he,_ a fully-grown adult, had found it unbearable...

Not that Irina blamed him. She'd suggested the adoption for his sake as much as the baby's and Marisa's. He was doing the best he could to recover, for himself and for his pack.

It wasn’t odd if Calliope needed a little extra support to believe she wouldn't be abandoned, but she didn't think Marisa understood that quite yet. Maybe it took an outsider to notice, maybe just someone who was interacting with the baby while fully conscious themselves. She knew Marisa could be stubborn, but she still had a few choice words for the rest of the pack. Ray, in particular, should have been making sure his sister was okay **;** he'd got all the support in the world when he'd had the quintuplets, after all.

She scribbled a note to leave on her bed in case Marisa came looking and headed towards the main house, Cali dozing against her left shoulder.

She ran into Alec in the kitchen, getting started on dinner. "Hey, you’re back."

"I am. And for some reason, I found Marisa practically sleep-walking on the porch. Know anything about that?"

She'd expected denial, but the alpha just sighed and put the kettle on, which was English for ‘It's-time-for-a-serious-chat-and-of-course-we-are-gonna-need-tea'. It being Alec, she expected him to delay by preparing the cups, but he sat in front of her at the kitchen table instead. "She agreed to other people taking her shifts, and she lets me have Cali when I get back from work, but Cali doesn't really like anyone else. Well, except Ray, but... they’re still trying to avoid her getting too attached to him, so he sees her but only with Marisa around."

Irina frowned at him, glancing down at the baby in her arms. "She didn't mind me picking her up."

Alec shrugged. "Maybe she likes the ladies? She tolerates me, but other than Marisa, only Kaylee can calm her down."

Irina briefly wondered if Alec was calling himself a lady, but she had bigger fish to fry. "Can babies smell something like that?"

"I have no idea,” the doctor admitted. “I mean, I guess we all have different levels of oestrogen and testosterone anyway? If we do, it's all processed at the unconscious level, but I guess with our noses…"

"Well, okay," she decided. "I'm back. If Kaylee can help, then Marisa can take some shifts doing some other chores **.** This one will have to learn to deal, crying's not going to break her, is it?"

"No," Alec agreed reluctantly.

"So, we should get her used to everyone in the pack. Can't have two sets of people on babysitting duty for her sake. And Marisa needs to do something else or she's going turn into a wolf and run away to live wild."

Alec smiled at her. "It's good to have you here. You want tea?" he offered, getting to his feet, then added, "Coffee?"

"Coffee," Irina confirmed. "It was a pretty long flight."

"I can take her if you want," Alec suggested as he poured.

"Nah, I'm going to try and put her down on my bed. Did you guys try to use Ray's clothes to keep her calm?"

"Yeah," Alec turned and put the cups in the middle of the table, even though Cali was both unconscious and too small to reach for anything on it. Irina hesitated before taking her coffee and Alec asked, "Almost no milk, three sugars, right?"

She had no idea how he knew. But know he did. "Yes."

"Marisa put one of her hoodies in the den, then put it on before taking her. Cali didn't even seem to notice the swap." He gave her an admiring smile. "Very impressive."

She started to shrug, then made herself still, eyes drawn to Cali once again. She was still deeply asleep. "It wasn't my idea, just family wisdom."

"Well, my family didn't pass that on, so I guess we can give yours some credit. How was Romania?"

"Good, my mum..." She took a sip of her coffee, then another when the combination of sugar and caffeine hit her tongue. She set it down and met Alec's eyes **—** something for which he was visibly bracing himself. She'd been about to talk about the nagging and the expectations, but in the end, what came out was, "She told me it was okay if I liked women."

Alec's heart jumped, but then his lips curved into a smile that didn't stop growing until it turned into a full-blown grin. "That's great, Irina!"

She licked her lips, shifting slightly in place while trying to move Cali as little as possible **; s** he might have been light, but that didn't make it comfortable to hold her in the same position for hours at a time.

Alec got to his feet, careful his chair didn't make noise, and went to the cupboard where they kept the pots and pans. He pushed almost his whole arm inside and came out clutching a foil-covered package. Irina bit her lip not to laugh. "What's that?"

"Brownies, from the quintuplets' birthday."

"You are sharing your secret stash?" she teased.

"No," Alec said. "These are the ones I saved for you."

"For me? But... you didn't know I was coming."

He put them on the table, pulling one of the flaps aside to expose the sticky chocolate delights inside. "I hoped," he told her, and maybe he could see she was too shocked to speak because he added, "And if you didn't, well, guess I would have had to eat them myself before they went bad."

She took another sip of coffee **,** as good an excuse as any to keep her gaze down. "Fool-proof plan."

Alec hummed. "I need to make dinner and there's onions involved, so you probably don't want to stick around. But I'll start with the meat so you can eat some of those. When you talk Marisa into letting us help, just let me know and we’ll set it up."

Getting Marisa support was good, but it didn't solve everything. "I need to talk to Ray."

"Mmm...” He had half his head in the fridge, but he pulled back and met her eyes before asking, “Can I make a suggestion there?"

"What?" she asked, then took a bit of brownie and focused on the texture and flavour. As far as she was concerned, Alec was entitled to cross a few lines in exchange for baked goods.

"Talk to Marisa first; those two can be stubborn, but they are always there for each other. If he's not helping her more, she must have agreed."

 

&

 

"It's only for the first two weeks," Marisa explained when she asked. She looked better for having slept a couple hours, in fact, with her hair mussed and her face relaxed by the sleep she couldn't quite shake... Irina doubled back to check on the cot, although of course Cali would have made a noise if she hadn't been profoundly asleep.

She tried to look for something in her face that gave away her parentage, but she was just a baby **;** light-skinned and still dark-haired, a decent size but nothing remarkable. Irina had noticed her eyes were blueish, which didn’t mean they would remain so. She was more potential than person, and whatever Marisa said about nature having the upper hand, she’d learn about the world from the people who cared for her. "So after that he will... what?"

"He’ll babysit her, just like he babysits the rest of them."

Irina sighed. Alec had been right, after all. "And in the meantime, your plan was to try and find out how long a werewolf can go without sleep?”

She turned back and saw Marisa had her eyes closed on the bed, but her breathing made it obvious that she was awake. “Mmm... Didn’t know Cali was going to be so picky. Yousuf was excited to help.”

 _I bet_ , Irina thought uncharitably. “Guess it doesn’t matter, I’m here now.”

That got Marisa’s eyes open fast. “I don’t want to...” Irina raised an eyebrow, not bothering with words. Marisa went quiet and sat up on the bed. “I don’t want to take advantage.”

“Pretty sure I signed up to be a beta in this pack,” Irina reminded her. “And, anyway, friends don’t keep a tally.”

Marisa gave her a long look **.** She seemed to be emerging from the mists of sleep, pulse picking up. The bed was a double, not like the bunk in their shared room, and she looked small in it **;** not childish, but… vulnerable.

In that moment, the urge to protect her was as strong as it’d ever been.

She’d been right; Marisa needed someone right now. Not because she wasn’t strong enough to do this on her own **—** Irina didn’t doubt for a second that she would have found a way **—** but because she forgot she could ask for help. Ray was the same way; both of them pushing themselves to the breaking point to spare everyone else.

Irina didn’t want to be spared. She was happy to give up some sleep if it meant Marisa was happy.

She was happy to crush the impulse to touch and hold on too.

If Marisa wanted her to. But to know that… Irina had to ask. It was the least she could do. For all that she possibly needed reminding that she wasn’t invulnerable, Marisa was an adult and perfectly capable of making her own choices. So Irina asked, “Are you happy?”

Marisa glanced down at her spit-stained shirt, blinking twice to dispel the urge to close her eyes, then around her messy room, and finally at the slumbering child in the cot. “Yeah,” she said, meeting Irina’s eyes a little defiantly.

Irina nodded. “Good.” She gulped and made herself keep looking Marisa in the face **—** she saw the exact moment Marisa straightened a little, noticing something was up. She knew she couldn’t wait any longer, so she asked again, “Could I make you happier?”

Whatever Marisa had guessed hadn’t been enough; her eyes opened fully for the first time in hours, her heart jumping and then jumping again. “What? Look, I'm sleep deprived as hell, if you **—** ”

Irina didn’t wait; she crossed the two meters between them and leaned over her, catching the rest of Marisa’s words with her mouth. She didn’t mean to linger, it was just meant to be a question, asked the only way she could manage to ask it. But Marisa was quicker to react that she expected, and she had a hand in Irina’s hair keeping her from pulling back. Not that she needed a lot of convincing when Marisa was sucking on her bottom lip like that. Unfortunately, she was too tall to do this properly while Marisa sat. She scrambled to take hold of Marisa’s shoulders to keep her balance and Marisa kicked one of her legs from under her and yanked her forward at the same time, making Irina fall into her lap with rather more force than was ideal.

It left her straddling Marisa, but the shock of being spread open was nothing to Marisa’s other hand cradling her face to deepen the kiss, soft and slick and so warm... She kissed her back, rubbing their tongues together and shivering under the tiny caresses of Marisa’s thumb against her pulse point. She’d meant the kiss to be a declaration, an admission... But she’d dropped a match and stoked the fire they had both been pretending wasn’t there, and now...

Marisa let go of her neck and Irina used the chance to push her down on the bed, pinning Marisa’s left wrist under her hand. She’d intended to go back to kissing at once, but the sight of Marisa’s flushed face and bright eyes was hard to look away from.

“Changed your mind again?” Marisa asked, voice low and raspy.

“You are beautiful,” Irina said dumbly in reply.

It made Marisa frown, which was going to be a problem if they were going to do this again, because **—** “What does that mean?” she asked.

Irina tried to remember what she’d said. Had she spoken in Romanian again? She tried to raise herself to her knees but Marisa’s grip on her shirt tightened. “Don’t,” she demanded, if something so full of fear could be called a demand.

Irina met her eyes and stopped trying not to crush her. “I said you’re beautiful,” she repeated, making sure it was in English. “Let go.” This time, Marisa listened, and Irina rolled off her, suddenly cold at the absence of contact. “I haven’t changed my mind,” she said quickly. She’d already made Marisa suffer by denying what was between them the first time, she wasn’t about to do it again.

“I shouldn’t have said that. You didn’t change your mind the first time; you didn’t have to say yes just because **—** ”

“I didn’t say no because I wanted to,” Irina told her before she got an apology she didn’t deserve.

“What?” Marisa wasn’t touching her anymore, but her body was an indelible presence everywhere they’d touched. Everywhere Irina hoped they would touch again.

She allowed herself a long inhale, then pushed it out, “I was surprised, yeah, because I hadn’t… I hadn’t let myself think about it. But I couldn’t stop myself from feeling… what I feel.”

Marisa didn’t speak for a long moment, but when Irina looked at her, she seemed to be waiting. She must have seen Irina’s confusion because she heaved a sigh. “I got a little carried away. But if **—** if you want to do this. With me. Then I need more than that.”

More than that, Irina thought that sounded promising. She sounded reluctant, like she imagined that Irina would deny her answers or couldn’t give the ones she needed to hear. Irina was ready to prove her wrong on all accounts. “I have always been attracted to you,” she said simply. “And I… I wondered if… well, if you’d want me. But it was a bad idea, I mean, we were sharing a room, how awkward **—** ” She stopped herself because, of course, _Marisa_ had done exactly that. “I didn’t mean **—** ”

Marisa didn’t take offense, just sighed. “I was sure. The… stupid confidence of youth or something. Or maybe how bloody sweet you were… No, how sweet you _are_ to me all the time. Even after you knew!” She sounded almost resentful about it now, but before Irina could object, she shook her head and raised a hand. “I know you didn’t mean it like that, you were just being kind; it’s who you are.”

“I was,” Irina agreed. “But I’m not kind to random people; I was being kind to you, because of who you are to me.”

Marisa’s eyes were back on hers, intense like a hawk’s. “Who’s that?”

“The woman who knows me better than I know myself,” Irina told her, holding her gaze. “The person strong enough to push me forward even when I’m clinging to the past like a child to her mother’s skirts. The **—** ” She inhaled, Marisa’s was scent heavy in the air. It was impossible to keep her eyes from wandering down to her kiss-reddened lips. Or back to her deep brown eyes. “The person I want to wake me up and call me when she’s unsure, even in the middle of the night. Because that would mean I get to call you in the middle of the night, or the day, and you’ll be there… I could know you’ll be there, and maybe I wouldn’t even need to call. Just **…** Just knowing would be enough.”

Marisa watched her **.** Irina wasn’t sure if she was nervous, or disturbed. All she could hear was her own pulse battering in her ears. And then, very slowly, Marisa reached out and bridged the space between them to take her hand. Her skin was warm, maybe even a little sweaty. “I don’t know if I can beat that,” she said hoarsely, grip like a vice. “But… I’m in love with you. And… I loved you, before. You **…** You held me up when I needed it most, and you let me cry, but you also made me get up and _fix_ things. I needed that. I need that now. And… well, Cali likes you, which is a miracle because when you showed up I thought I might have started to hallucinate.”

Irina let herself smile, feeling like she’d have to break her teeth to keep from laughing and waking the slumbering baby across the room. “Can I kiss you again?” she asked. That would probably keep them both quiet too.

Marisa’s grin lit up the room, her eyes shining with humour as she straightened. “Nah, stay there, it’s my turn on top.”

She could hardly argue with that, so she scooted up the bed until her head was on the pillows **—** just in time for Marisa to swing a leg over her hips and kneel over her. “Done this before?” Irina asked her.

Marisa laughed, bringing her forearm up to muffle it, and didn’t answer, bending down to press a kiss to her cheek, then her nose and, finally, her mouth. Irina didn’t waste time, pulling her closer by the hips. Marisa took the invitation, rolling her hips against her even as she pushed her tongue against Irina’s lips and deepened the kiss. She was small but her weight anchored Irina to the bed and she could feel herself growing wetter, clenching up to feel it even as she inhaled the scent of Marisa’s own arousal, heavy in the air between them.

Marisa pulled her lips away, all wet and red. Irina watched her, panting a little, waiting. Marisa licked her lips, then smiled and crossed her arms over her torso, pulling up her jumper… and her shirt in a swift motion that had her pressing her knees harder against Irina’s sides, leaving her breathless for more than one reason. She dropped the tangle of clothes somewhere on the bed and met Irina’s startled gaze with badly disguised trepidation. Irina hadn’t meant to look, but her eyes had a will of their own and the curve of breasts over the black bra was hard to resist even when it wasn’t right above her face. She looked back up, feeling her face heating up, and put her hands back on Marisa’s hips, the bare skin soft and warm under her suddenly overly-sensitive fingertips.

Marisa sighed, relaxing her knees in a way that pushed her arse more firmly against Irina’s mound. She shuddered, lifting her hips into it. Marisa let out a jaded sigh at that, doing it again. Irina wondered what she’d do if she reached forward and unhooked the button of her jeans **—** nothing too shocking, but an unmistakeable offer nonetheless. She could almost feel the slide of her fingers past soft skin and wiry hair until she reached the core of wetness she could already smell.

But it was probably Marisa’s first time with a woman, and she **…** Marisa took a hand away from her face and slid it under her shirt instead; cold fingers on the bare skin of her belly made Irina jump a little.

Marisa laughed. “Sorry,” she said, eyes dancing. She was lying, and she further proved it by letting her hand wander high enough to reach the cup of her bra, fingers tracing the arch even as her eyes stayed on Irina’s face **—** vigilant and attentive. Irina could barely stand the soft, teasing touch but she didn’t mean to arch into it **.** Marisa gasped as she found herself cupping her breast more fully, but Irina was just as surprised. “Take it off,” Marisa suggested, bending down to speak in her ear and then detouring for a leisurely lick down her neck.

Irina shivered as the cold air hit her wet skin. “Yeah, just **—** ”

Marisa didn’t let her finish, pressing their lips together harder, wetter and more desperate. She twisted her hips so that one of her legs was between Irina’s, right where she’d wanted some pressure all along. That changed the game completely. Irina forgot about the shirt and tugged her closer, grinding up even as Marisa ground down, the growing tension in her cunt the only thing she could think of. Her attention flickering between her own body and the soft, endless expanse of skin under her hands. She unhooked the bra without even stopping to breathe and Marisa shuddered hard, arching into her hand before her need for relief made her twist to fit their lower bodies even closer together. Irina lost control of her hands for long enough there was a faint smell of blood afterwards. Marisa either didn’t notice or didn’t care. Maybe, if the way her kissing got sloppier and more desperate was anything to go by **,** she more than didn’t care.

She was just planting her feet more firmly on the bed when a faint whimpering sound rose in volume and her lover froze on top of her. Irina clenched hard, shuddering at the involuntary wave of pleasure that her brain was already telling her was about to get succinctly interrupted.

“Dammit,” Marisa muttered between gritted teeth, but she was already dismounting.

Irina allowed herself a moment to close her eyes and breathe in and out, then she rolled to the side to see what was happening. Cali seemed to like Marisa’s bare chest as much as Irina because she quietened at once. She probably found the skin-to-skin contact soothing, Irina figured, forcefully tearing her gaze away from Marisa’s left nipple **—** still hard and rosy. “We should have done this sooner,” she lamented with as much good humour as she could manage when she was still throbbing down below.

Marisa’s look wasn’t impressed. “I _tried_ , remember?”

Irina raised both hands, palms out. “My bad.”

Marisa rolled her eyes at her, but her mouth was already softening. “I kinda owe you for this,” she said, gently cupping the baby’s neck.

She snorted. “You don’t owe me anything; I saw something that could make everyone happier, that’s all. And you did the same for me, anyway.”

Marisa met her eyes, serious and intense, and Irina wondered if she’d object again but the other beta just walked back to the bed. Irina rearranged herself into a sitting position, hesitating for a second before extending her left arm to offer some support. Marisa took her place right in her arms without checking. Cali didn’t stir. “I think she’s already gone back to sleep.”

Irina listened to the steady rhythm of the baby’s breathing. “Yeah,” she whispered. “Bit of a drama queen, can’t stand not being the centre of attention.”

She heard Marisa swallow and glanced up to see her licking her lips. “It’s only one more week until Ray can **—** ”

Irina tightened her hold, and magnanimously offered, “That’s fine, what’s the rush anyway?”

Marisa’s raised eyebrow truly spoke volumes. “I wouldn’t call months of flirting and not following though exactly a rush,” she said blandly. “ _And_ I was going to say that if you help me write a timetable, Kaylee and Alec can help out, so we… well, we can finish what we started.” Marisa’s gaze flickered down absently at that.

Irina was pretty sure she wasn’t checking on the baby she was already holding and whose vital signs she could hear perfectly accurately.

She rubbed Marisa’s hip, as much reassurance as delightful indulgence. “Maybe we can try to give Iesu one of your shirts?”

“Why Iesu?” Marisa asked, curious.

“Let’s say he still owes me from quite a few times when I didn’t tell his parents on him,” Irina demurred.

Marisa snorted, quickly checking the baby was undisturbed before shooting her a playful glare. “I thought friends didn’t keep tally?”

“Oh, I lost count ages ago,” Irina assured her. “It’s more like I encourage him to remember how I protected him when he was young and vulnerable, and he is a sweetheart anyway.”

“Devious,” Marisa commented and straightened, trying to get up. Irina followed the movement with her own body until they were both standing, Cali still asleep and Marisa still within the circle of Irina’s arm.

They looked at each other and Irina suddenly remembered Marisa was bare from the waist up and that only minutes ago… She shook her head and leaned closer, slowly enough Marisa could have stopped her. She didn’t, turning her neck to meet her halfway into a kiss that remained unhurried but turned wet all too soon.

When Marisa pulled back, it was with a grimace. She moved her neck from side to side. “Bad angle,” she explained with an apologetic smile.

“Bad timing,” Irina replied ruefully, then stepped back. She was fully dressed but she felt suddenly chilled. Marisa must have been really cold like that. She got Marisa’s shirt off the bed and silently held her arms for the baby.

Marisa shook her head and headed for the cot instead. Miraculously, Cali allowed herself to be deposited in it with no sign of waking. Marisa turned back to her, grinning, and Irina’s eyes wandered without her meaning to. She threw the shirt at the other woman, who caught it with a muffled laugh and put it on with as much fanfare as someone else might have taken to undress for a strip tease. Her eyes were wicked when she emerged.

“Is this payback?” Irina asked, not taking her eyes off her. It was frustrating, sure, but Marisa still wasn’t wearing a bra, and at this point she was fairly confident she was going to get to touch soon enough. Well, not soon enough because that would have meant right that moment, but…

Marisa tilted her head to the side, not quite exposing her neck but hinting at it enough any wolf’s eyes would have been drawn to the soft hollow of her throat. “Isn’t it called karma? You get what you sow and all that?”

Irina snorted, biting her lip to keep from outright laughing. “Sure,” she said, licking the taste of Marisa’s mouth from her lips with slow deliberation and watching Marisa’s eyes lose track of her own. “We can call it that.”

Just because she was ready for an adult relationship, it didn’t mean Irina didn’t have a few things to teach her still.


	24. Chapter 24

# Chapter 23: Marisa

The existence of betas was justified all over again with the experience of having her own child. If a nature expected you to be having sex so you’d have more children to counteract the high infant mortality rate, then it better hand you some help with the one you already had.

She’d had the help at hand already, and she’d known it, but it’d taken Irina telling her off for her to realise she could accept it.

Irina and Alec had sat down and written a timetable for the second week that included acclimating Cali to every adult in the pack and forcing Marisa to sleep at night semi-regularly. Watching Irina come into her room to pick up Cali for her midnight feeding, she could also understand why people tended to have children with someone else. In that moment, as she heard Irina’s soothing baby talk—so soft she only suspected it to be Romanian by the cadence of her speech—she’d never been so grateful in her life to be allowed to close her eyes and rest.

Cali bought the jumpers smelling like Marisa and she would even go for shirts with Irina’s scent, possibly because Irina was in charge of her every night that Marisa was meant to sleep uninterrupted. Iesu was as willing to volunteer his time as Irina had assured her and she’d expected Alec to be supportive, but she was a little surprised by how not just the other betas but even Gabriel insisted on taking Cali for an hour here and there.

It was Josh who gave it away. One day, she found Cali sleeping on him on the sofa—safely tucked between his body and the back of it. “Hey, back so soon?”

“It’s been three hours, has she been quiet all this time?” she asked. Even when she was being fed and changed to her exacting requirements, Cali tended to get twitchy. Marisa was grateful she seemed disinclined to change into her animal form at the moment because even as a pup she was still too small to be safe if she wandered off. 

“Yeah,” Josh told her with a soft look downwards. “She’s as stubborn as her mum, but once you get to her, she’s a sweetheart.” He looked up just as Marisa processed the words. It must have shown all over her face because he closed his mouth at once. He hesitated, then shifted himself around into a sitting position and extended a hand to invite her into the space he’d made. “What’s wrong?” he asked her gently, exactly the same way he’d done when she’d been little and had a fight with TJ.

“I… I just got why you guys are all being so nice. With Cali. You—”

“Why?” Josh said. “We need a reason to help you? You have been saving our arses for months, Marisa. You are _pack_. What—”

She shook her head. He was completely missing the point. “You’re not thinking of her as Ray’s… You’re not thinking of her as Ray’s child.”

Josh was silent a long moment, then sighed. “It’s a bit of a mind… it’s kind of hard to wrap my mind around, but yeah, mainly I’m thinking she’s your kid because that’s what Ray and you decided.”

She exhaled. “And that means you don’t have to think about…?”

“That helps,” Josh admitted, eyes flittering away. “I mean, I don’t think it’s fair to put that on her, is it? She literally didn’t exist when it happened.”

“But Ray—”

“Ray is dealing,” Josh told her with complete confidence. “And this helps. Well, you know it does, that’s why you did it. He loves her, but for him it’s a bit too hard to pretend, isn’t it?”

She nodded. “It’s not like I mind, but… I guess it doesn’t seem fair that everyone is treating me like I’m her mother.”

“Why not?”

Marisa shot him a look, but Josh tsked his tongue at her and pointed with his head to the seat next to him once again. She took it, still annoyed but resigned to whatever big brother moment he needed to have. He turned his body towards hers and pressed close enough to put Cali against her arm—it was all it took: her arms were around the sleeping baby as if they needed no direction from Marisa. She felt Josh pull away, but her attention was on the little twitching nose; _could she tell she was back in Marisa’s arms instead of making do with the cheap imitation of her sweaty pyjamas?_

“See?” Josh’s voice was soft, but she stiffened a little anyway, having forgotten he was there.

“See what?” she asked.

“You are her mother,” he whispered back. “She knows it, and you know it too. So that’s how we treat you.”

“It’s just— I wanted—” She paused to swallow because her voice was getting dangerously high. “I didn’t think it’d be like this. Being a mum. I figured…” She shrugged; she didn’t know if Ray had mentioned to Josh she couldn’t have children of her own; she wouldn’t have exactly minded if he knew, but she couldn’t imagine _telling_ him.

To her shock, Josh laughed. “Sorry!” he said at once, checking Cali was still asleep before he met her eyes. “I just think… well, that’s how we _all_ feel. Pretty sure that’s how _all_ parents feel. It doesn’t matter how much they planned it in advance and prepared, or read books, or whatever. When it happens, it’s not what you expected.”

“I guess at least I chose it,” she conceded.

“Hey,” Josh tutted. “It’s not a competition; you get to be nervous and scared too. I mean, if you don’t want—”

“No!” she snapped, too loud and too fast. Cali grumbled unhappily, twisting in her arms and she had to get to her feet to sway soothingly.

When she was pretty sure Cali wouldn’t complain again, she found Josh had waited her out, sitting quietly where she’d left him. “I want her,” Marisa told him firmly, slow enough he’d hear how steady her heartbeat was—maybe a little fast, but her voice already gave away her anger. “I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t sure.”

He nodded. “Okay. So, is there another way to talk about that fact other than to say she’s your kid?”

“No, it’s just…” She sighed. **“** Josh, she will know she’s Ray’s. When… Next week, he’ll start spending time with her almost every day, I mean, how could she not feel it?”

“Sure, she will, and she’ll love other people, too. She already likes Irina, doesn’t she? What’s that got to do with anything? I mean, our kids have six parents, you are telling me yours can only have one?”

She hesitated. “I… I have a question, but I don’t want you to get angry, I just **—** ”

“Ask,” Josh said at once, gesturing open-handed.

“Do the other babies feel like they are yours the same way Mikey is?”

Josh glanced down for barely an instant before shaking his head. “No,” he told her easily. “It’s not the same. But they _are_ mine. My wolf knows Mikey is my biological kid, but they are all pups of the pack, so they are mine, to protect and love and keep in clean diapers.” He grimaced at that last, but he was still smiling a little **—** like he couldn’t help it when he thought about them. “And maybe when they grow up, I’ll get on better with Jamie than Mikey, who knows? But I’ll love them all.” His eyes travelled to Cali. “I offered Ray to tell Cali I was her father.”

She inhaled, barely disguising her shock for the sake of the baby in her arms. For an alpha to… “Man, you are so gone on my brother,” she said when her brain restarted.

Josh offered her a dimpled smile. “Not like I was hiding it that well.”

“Guess not.”

“So now that you and Irina are a thing, does that mean that Cali will have two mums?”

“What? No, I mean, we **—** it’s way too new, and I don’t think Irina wants a kid of her own.”

“Maybe she doesn’t,” Josh agreed. “But she sure seems happy with yours.”

“Gonna go put this one down,” she said, already turning to hide her burning face. She had enough with being a new mother of a child she hadn’t given birth to; she didn’t have time to see how that interacted with having an older girlfriend who was all too happy to support her in her motherhood.

Marisa had made Ray a promise, and Cali, and her own mother; Irina was free to go or stay. And that was how it should be.

 

&

 

She was also free to stay right where she was; reclining back on Marisa’s mountain of pillows and supporting Marisa’s own weight as she dozed in the weak afternoon sunlight like a cat. Cali had just spit the nipple for the third time **—** a sure sign she’d had enough and wasn’t just annoyed at having to make an actual effort to feed **—** and was agreeably curled up half on Marisa’s belly and half on the bed itself.

Irina put her fingertips on her scalp and rubbed slowly, and Marisa couldn’t hold back a sigh, pushing into the touch as shameless as a cat. Irina laughed softly but kept petting her, so she gamely kept her eyes closed and enjoyed the massage.

“I see you got it well in hand.”

Marisa opened her eyes, tensing enough that Cali let out an unhappy gurgle before settling.

She’d have said something, but she didn’t want to risk disturbing her further, and anyway, Sergi’s face was the picture of guilt already. “Sorry,” he muttered. “It’s… I’m supposed to be on babysitting duty.”

“We are fine,” Irina said from above her. For some reason, it was only then that Marisa realised they were tangled in bed together like… Her eyes flickered to Sergi to check his reaction.

“Just fine?” he asked teasingly. “Don’t need any… oil this time?”

Marisa stared at him, very aware her face was heating up and unable to think of a single thing to say. It was a good thing Irina was on her team. “Maybe _after_ you take the baby in the bed with us,” she suggested evenly.

Sergi flinched a little, mouth turning into a disgusted moue that deserved to be recorded for posterity. “Good point,” he agreed. He took a step closer. “Just fed, right?” he asked, seeing the bottle Marisa hadn’t bothered to put away.

She hesitated for a moment, knowing Cali was unlikely to make it to the main house without waking, but she could already hear Irina teaming up with Alec to lecture her on looking after herself as well as the baby. She gathered her daughter close and turned her body towards Sergi, who bent his knees until he was close enough to take her.

Cali grumbled but accepted Sergi’s rocking as fair compensation for the transfer. He didn’t move at all, just standing there watching her sleep like he’d forgotten the rest of the world existed.

“You really like babies, don’t you?” Marisa asked.

Sergi raised his head, looking a little lost. “Yeah,” he said. “Crazy thing to find out at this point, I guess.”

She shrugged, leaning further into Irina. “ _I’m_ not complaining.”

“I bet,” he replied, eyes travelling up the bed to Irina. “You girls have fun, remember you’re free till tomorrow morning,” he added with a suggestive look.

That made Marisa laugh despite her newly trained reflex to repress any noise that could wake Cali. She felt Irina shaking under her, a huff of warm laughter on her neck.

Sergi closed the door behind himself.

She twisted around to look at Irina. “What the hell was that?”

Irina shrugged, smile sharp as a knife, lips red from the little kissing they’d sneaked in earlier. “Iesu’s bad influence, I guess.”

Marisa licked her own lips and crawled between Irina’s spread legs. “Are you a bad influence too?”

“Is that a line?” Irina checked, rubbing slowly at Marisa’s hands on her own thighs.

Marisa shrugged. She didn’t _have_ lines, not really, but she could do banter and that had worked out okay so far. As far as it’d worked, that was, because… Well, she had to admit her mother had been right about one thing: a baby wasn’t really conducive to romance.

“Could be,” she said, shivering a little at the feeling of Irina’s strong hands surrounding her wrists. “Is it working?”

“No,” Irina told her with half an eye roll, but she was already hauling her closer, arm wrapping around her waist to hoist her up until she was pressed close and intimate against the warm skin of her leg through their jeans. Marisa shuddered as she was spread open, clutching at Irina’s shoulders as she pushed down into it. Irina let out a shaky exhale next to her ear, like the world was moving under her too, and Marisa froze, trembling. “Do we…?”

Marisa didn’t let her finish, just turned her head and crashed their mouths together, tightening her knees and pushing again **.** Suddenly, she was soaking her underwear, like her body had been lit up all at once and it was almost too intense to bear. No, she _couldn’t_ bear it; she kissed Irina harder, sucking on her tongue, biting at her lips, as if somehow she could kiss the desperate yearning that burned in her away. Irina took it, bending her knee and rolling her own hips into the movement, following her lead right where Marisa needed her. Irina didn’t stop, taking hold of her arse and shoving hard enough to make pleasure reverberate through her like an earthquake.

She shuddered hard, eyes ground shut, mostly panting into the infinitesimal space between their mouths **—** too wide but desperately needed because her lungs could barely keep up with the pulses of heat lighting her up as she pushed her clit once more against Irina’s leg. Orgasm ripped through her, and then seemed to keep pulling, unravelling her from the core like a fire that, once sparked, couldn’t be stopped. And Marisa clung harder, euphoric and ecstatic and in agony because it was simply too much, too **—**

Irina helped her through it, and held her through it. At least Marisa was pretty sure she did, because the next thing she knew, she was slumped forward, face buried in the tender space between Irina’s shoulder and neck, with a mouthful of that beautiful dark hair between her teeth and not even caring. Irina’s left hand was keeping her upright, but her right was tracing the lines of her back **,** slow and delicate like she thought each vertebra was incredibly fragile, or precious.

She could have fallen asleep right there in her arms like she was a baby herself. But that would have been a real dick move, so after a minute she forced her neck up and pushed Irina’s hair behind her back with clumsy fingers. It was damp with sweat, which made her swallow hard when she understood it could only be a product of their exertions.

“You look a bit high,” Irina said, smiling a little smugly. “Never done that before?”

“What? No, I have,” she said. “Just **—** It wasn’t like this.”

“With boys?” Irina guessed. She seemed unusually chatty for someone who was still waiting to come. Marisa edged her hips backwards, mostly to get herself into a more comfortable position, and Irina squirmed under her, eyelashes fluttering wildly before she managed to focus her gaze on her again. She didn’t say a thing about it and seemed to be waiting for Marisa’s answer.

Marisa had to wet her lips to give it, dry-mouthed all of sudden. “No, I **—** There was a girl, too. But it was like... you know when you get that cheap cola? It still tastes like Coke, but just not… quite right?” A part of her knew she was babbling, but apparently that part wasn’t in charge of her mouth. “And your brain remembers there’s more, so it tastes even worse than a drink that’s not trying to be close. And then you taste the real thing and…”

"So I'm like Coca-Cola?" Irina asked, grinning. She looked pretty high herself, even if she wasn’t falling victim to giggling fits. She let go of Marisa’s waist and reclined back on the pillows, body going lax and easy under her. Only the sweet scent of her arousal gave away that her patience was well-earned.

“Ice cold Coca-Cola,” Marisa told her with half a smile of her own. It was probably the lamest compliment in the history of the afterglow, but Irina laughed, and in any case, it wasn’t _quite_ the afterglow yet. Marisa put a hand down and leaned in to kiss her **—** soft and deep and heartfelt and not cold at all **—** and Irina gave her back every lick and bite and clung hard.

It seemed absolutely crazy **;** she’d seen Irina _naked_ , even if she’d been trying not to look **,** but she’d never got to touch her as much as she wanted. And now she couldn’t stop her hands from sliding under Irina’s loose t-shirt, finding soft skin and making her writhe into the kiss. She kept herself upright until she reached Irina’s bra **—** it was a simple thing, soft cotton, probably a boring colour, but Marisa’s real issue with it was that it clearly unhooked at the back. She ran her fingers as gently as she could manage over the top of Irina’s breasts and got a breathy moan and a full body shudder for her trouble. But it wasn’t **…** She wanted _more._

“Lemme…” Irina almost begged, and Marisa had to put a hand behind herself to keep from toppling right off her. Irina tried to undo it one-handed, but Marisa wasn’t waiting for her to show off, she pushed herself onto her knees again and pushed her hand away to do it herself. It wasn’t as easy to do backwards as she’d assumed, especially not close as they were and with Irina’s leg pressed right where she was still wet and sticky from coming. But, somehow, maybe only thanks to her supernatural reflexes, she managed. She pulled her hands back and started to pull Irina’s shirt off her before something made her pause. Their eyes met **;** Irina’s pupils were blown and her cheeks had pinked up like something out of a story book. “What?”

“Can I?”

“Oh, god, Marisa, _yes_ , you can!” But she didn’t wait for Marisa to catch on, just pulled her shirt and bra over her head herself **—** trusting Marisa to lean away fast enough not to get an elbow to the face. She’d have complained about that, if she’d have any saliva left to speak at all after she found herself straddling a half-naked goddess.

Irina’s pale skin was flushed down to the darkened buds of her nipples, and her hair had come loose from her ponytail in a half-tangled mess that reminded Marisa of a painting of mermaids in all their dangerous glory. “Hey,” Irina said softly, resting back and not trying to bring her close again. She must have been feeling pretty impatient by now **—** Marisa didn’t need to guess, she could _smell_ it **—** but she was gentle still, like she could… like she _would_ wait. “Too fast?”

“No!” The word was out before she could quite process the question. Her heart skipped. “Well, yes, but… not because I’m scared, I just **—** when you said no…”

“Oh.” Irina’s face fell. “I’m sorry.”

Marisa raised a hand to cover her own face, exhaling. “I’m saying it all wrong; don’t be sorry. You are just so… so _ridiculously_ beautiful, and sweet and… well, I thought we were on the same page, and obviously I was wrong. And I have spent the last month trying to get over you. And I couldn’t,” she admitted, looking her in the face again.

Irina reached slowly and took hold of her right hand, as if to keep it off her face. It was a loose hold **—** a request, not a demand. “Sounds terrible,” she joked, smiling almost shyly. She didn’t apologize, just like Marisa had asked, but the words weren’t completely deadpan. It’d been an accident, or more precisely, a mistake that couldn’t have been avoided at the time and place when it’d happened. Not by the people they’d been, in themselves and to each other, and Irina clearly regretted it all the same.

So did Marisa **,** but she was over it. At least rationally, and with the incentive of getting what she’d wanted all along and with the certainty Irina’s response wasn’t a momentary impulse. She had no problem with casual, but there was nothing temporary or relaxed about the way Irina made her feel. They could play together, push each other… but it wasn’t a game.

“It was,” she grumbled, but it came out amused instead. She pulled on her hand, but Irina resisted **—** she’d tangled their fingers together somehow. “Can’t undo my bra left handed,” Marisa pointed out.

She laughed a little at how fast her hand was liberated but kept her gaze on Irina as she reached for her shirt. She pulled it off a little slower than she could have and made eye contact again before she reached behind herself. She let her bra fall down her arms as she leaned forward and lost Irina’s attention as her breasts swung free, heavy and begging to be touched. Irina let out a word, raspy and heartfelt. Marisa didn’t need to ask what it meant. She leaned back in, pressing her mouth to the long line of Irina’s throat, licking the salty skin as she teased them both by letting her nipples brush Irina’s chest.

Irina arched under her, hands pulling her close even as she turned her head to give her room. Marisa shuddered, drunk on power, disarmed by the trust of a wolf exposing her neck to the sharpness of her teeth without a thought as to the danger. She gentled her kisses, suddenly afraid of the power she held. But Irina was having none of it; she buckled her hips, thighs clenching around Marisa’s right leg, pressing against the heat growing inside Marisa once again. “No… _More._ ”

Of course she wanted more; she hadn’t even… She took hold of Irina’s chin and turned her face to take her mouth into a hard kiss, then got up on her knees so she could get her right hand between them and unhook Irina’s jeans. The sound the other woman made was all the encouragement she needed to lower the zipper as well and cup her mons in her palm. The angle was all wrong, but she didn’t give a fuck about it. Irina grunted and her fingers dug into her back, but it was the sensation of the tips of her fingers sliding against damp cotton that had her own cunt throbbing and her head falling forward. “Fuck,” she breathed, half in Irina’s mouth.

“Stop… teasing,” Irina demanded and didn’t wait for her to obey, grinding up into her fingers hard enough that Marisa’s hand clenched involuntarily as a reflex. Irina let out a breath; half sigh, half laughter. “Yeah, like that.”

Marisa might not have had a lot of experience doing this to someone else, but she didn’t need instructions. She rubbed her middle finger against Irina’s clit, making her groan, then curled her thumb and little finger inwards to get them past the knickers’s sides. She caressed the outer labia, pushing it together where Irina was so slick it was all Marisa could do not to bury her face right there and lick her clean. Irina let go of her waist to cover her own mouth, even though it did little to muffle her broken moan, and Marisa repeated the movement and she arched into it.

Marisa didn’t give a fuck if anyone heard **—** it was hardly a secret if _Sergi_ was teasing them, and they were all alone at the end of the corridor **—** and she couldn’t wait to see Irina come apart. She pressed again, managing to massage both Irina’s clit and labia, and Irina twisted under her, frenzied and desperate and sweaty, eyes dark as the night and lips bitten red. A little darker than her nipples, even, so Marisa used her free hand under her right breast and trailed the tips of her fingers slowly enough to get her trembling right before she took the tip into her mouth and sucked softly.

It was like she’d closed the system; Irina screamed, biting her own hand and clawing at Marisa’s back, and arched high into the touch of Marisa’s right hand, twitching against her fingers as her orgasm ripped through her. Marisa held on, rubbing again and digging her own fingers into Irina’s arm to keep her seat.

“Ma **—** ” Her name broke on Irina’s lips as she panted and shoved harder against her hand as if unable to stop **—** too pleasure-drunk even though she must have been oversensitive by now. Marisa leaned in and kissed her again, giving her what she wanted, everything, anything, pressure and heat, her whole body, her whole being… anything, for a little longer, as they were connected by the magic of touch.

Irina went lax under her, but it took her tugging at Marisa’s arm for her to realise she wanted her to stop. Marisa swallowed, pulling her hand out of Irina’s jeans and holding it between them; torn between bringing it to her nose and… Irina’s eyes were closed, fluttering a little like the aftershocks hadn’t quite faded. Marisa watched her, paralyzed for a moment by the sheer beauty of her, the impossibility of it all… And then Irina opened her eyes and gave her an impatient look. So fast Marisa didn’t have time to even think of stopping her, she brought Marisa’s hand to her own mouth and sucked on her index and middle finger, then, as Marisa watched her in shock, turned her wrist to get to her thumb.

“There,” she declared, to all appearances very pleased with herself. Then she hauled her down next to her until Marisa’s face was pressed to her still heaving chest.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, her hand delicately rubbing her back.

It took Marisa’s brain a moment to process what she meant: the scent of her own blood was in the air. Irina must have broken skin in her enthusiasm. She chuckled, too relaxed to control herself. “Don’t think I can blame you,” she said, trying for smug and sounding way too happy.

Irina turned her face and gave her a cross-eyed looked. “Oh, goddess, is this another thing you are amazing at?”

“What?” Marisa squirmed a little and got up on her elbow to reach for the blanket at the foot of the bed **—** she couldn’t be bothered with the covers under them.

Irina turned on her side, keeping her tucked close so they were still pressed together. Marisa was still readjusting when Irina reached out and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear in a move that should have been sweet but somehow managed to cross the line into sensual. “You are good at everything, and now it turns out I can’t even be the best at sex? Not fair.”

Marisa swallowed, glancing away. “I guess you can get another go, if you want,” she offered.

Irina laughed, tugging on the strand she’d become so fond of to get her to look up. “Yeah, I think I do,” she decided with bright eyes.

Marisa knew her face was burning but she still couldn’t look away as Irina held her face and bridged the distance between them, pressing their lips together **—** gently at first and then wetter and stronger, like the moon rising in the sky and taking control of the tide. Marisa gave herself to it, this power growing between them, not a mandate from the heavens but simply something they wanted enough to seek out for themselves. Irina reeled her in, tangling their legs together, and Marisa yanked her on top **,** wanting to feel herself surrounded **,** and kissed her harder and deeper, ready for more kisses, and more hands and more skin. Ready to find the limits of their endurance and this tenderness that was as terrifying as it was addictive.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming along for the ride! I treasure every comment :D

#  Epilogue

Marisa’s throat was tight. “You…”

“It’s too early to plant anything,” Irina explained. “But I read it’s good to remove the weeds while they’re weak from the winter.”

It was true, but she’d done a lot more than remove some weeds: the patch of land to the right of the beta wing was fenced, and there was a bright blue hose stretching along the length of it. “Is that an irrigation system?”

“Yeah, just for the middle patch for now. I couldn’t find any of those… adaptor thingies. They make the tab flow through two different hoses?” she asked, obviously hoping Marisa would know the word.

She laughed. “I know what you mean, but I have no idea what they’re called.”

Irina snorted. “So much for native speakers.”

Marisa smiled back, but then she stepped closer and tentatively put a hand on Irina’s side, waiting a moment before pushing closer to hug her. “This is amazing,” she said, half muffled against Irina’s arm. “Mulțumesc.”

Irina started running her fingers through her hair in a move that seemed as soothing to her as it was to Marisa. “Cu plăcere. I should start teaching you again, shouldn’t I?”

She nodded. “Da, I’m looking forward to your rants about English,” she said and felt as much as heard Irina start laughing in her arms.

 

&

 

The picnic blanket was half-tangled under them, but since they’d never got around to opening the packages, the food and drinks were fine. Marisa reached for a bottle of apple juice and took a long drink to ease her parched throat. When she rested it on her thigh, she found Irina watching her.

“So, are we always going to run away to the middle of nowhere to have sex?”

Marisa snorted, almost letting the bottle roll away from her side. “No! Isn’t that why you chose the room next to mine?”

Irina frowned a little, like she’d given her something to think about. “Maybe I did,” she allowed.

Marisa didn’t insist; it hardly mattered if Irina had done it consciously or not now, did it? She’d more than made up for any feelings she’d kept back in the past. “I just thought if you wanted the land…” she explained, forcing herself to continue even when she had to look away. “Well, I should give you the land.”

Irina laughed, hoarse and a little too long **—** a sound as wild as her, and as lovely. It went through Marisa like the moon, pulling and shaking her very core until she could do nothing but laugh with her. At herself, at them both here together—impossible, but true.

Irina was still naked, lying on her side like a woman from a painting, the half-moon making her dark hair shine, her nipples, still a little dark from Marisa’s mouth, drew her eyes like… She made herself look up, shrugging a little when she saw the smug smile on Irina’s lips.

“You aren’t winning just because you’re pretty,” she warned, sitting up and tossing her hair out of her face **.** Predictably, Irina’s own gaze slid down her body. Marisa ignored the weight of it on her skin and kept speaking, “And I got Alec to make you chocolate mousse, so we **—** ”

She wasn’t going to tell Alec where she’d got chocolate smudged, but Irina had cleaned it up afterwards—thoroughly—so she wasn’t complaining.

**[The end]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding Gheorghe's diagnosis; he's a fictional character and I kept it a little vague intentionally (this is not, after all, his story). Having issues with numeracy is not normally a feature of dyslexia, instead there's another neurological variation called dyscalculia. Autistic and ADHD people also have varying degrees of mathematical ability—duh :p—and sometimes can have serious problems with certain areas of Maths. Consistent problems in any area of learning do tend to indicate a learning disability, which any educator worth their salt can find a way to work around to some extent. There's also usually a flipside, which is not to say it's easy to find a context in which that flipside ability works to the person’s advantage. I don't have dyscalculia—although I did inspire myself in my less than fuzzy feelings for maths—so if you do and anything sounds off, apologies and give me a shout if you have the spoons :)


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